Chapter 1:
Star date 32-24-36 (What a stardate! A veritable fertility goddess of a stardate!)
Captain’s Log, CFS (Crux Federation Starship) Cunnilingus:
We have been analyzing tantalizing photon emissions coming from the Dark Zone which have been disrupting sub-space communications between Federation colonies, making them unable to hear the inspirational and unifying rhetoric from the homeworld. This is considered a priority to ensure the unity of the Federation. I confess I have a bit of a problem believing it is as important as the railroad or the telephone, which I know nothing about, but I hear they were very important indeed, back before we got all these sexy stardates. I can’t frankly see what all the fuss is about. I mean, really! Photon emissions? Here I am, Captain of a pretty big Starship, with a really sleek main disk module and really fine warp nacelles, phasers, photon torpedoes, and all that GEAR, and they want me to study emissions. Doc Bobinder thinks they might be dangerous to humans. Commander Eulalia (honorary rank, since she knows a lot of things – she’s actually a science slave, and makes really good coffee too) says knowing about them will further science. Lt. Phlebas saw a readout on her screen yesterday and said it looked like a naked girl bodysurfing on the water planet of Aquarius Beta. Now that’s analysis! Anyway…wait, did I just say all that out loud. Shit! Scratch all of that, Computer!
Mission is proceeding according to plan. Crew morale is a bit low, but the prospect of some shore leave on Tumescensius VI in two weeks should fix that.
“Trouble with your log book again Captain?” asked Commander Rodent.
“I keep forgetting that I can’t just rant,” said Captain Wragg. “Now I’ll have to go back in and edit the thing before sending it back to Earth. I’m just so bored.”
It was a dull day on the Bridge of the Starship Cunnilingus. The Bridge crew sat listlessly at their stations along the hexagonal edge of the room. Science, weapons, communications, impulse control, warp drive monitors. In the central section was the navigation console, manned by Lt. Hondoboot, a Vulcan, and the helm, operated by Lt. Loxuru. Lt. Commander Eulalia was actually a slave. She was owned by the Federation and was legally part of the ship. She was also someone who knew a lot of things about, well, a lot of things, so she was a science officer. She also made the coffee. Crux Federation slaves were all specialists and their price was beyond what Wragg could afford. He could barely afford the sex slave he had back home to pleasure his wife while he was away, since everyone knew repressing sexual urges was bad for your physical and mental health. Providing a sex slave seemed like a bargain and ensured that his wife would be taken care of while he was away on a five year mission.
Wragg surveyed his captain’s chair in the centre of the Bridge, an ugly squarish thing with no seat belt. A cup of steaming hot coffee sat on the large armrest, next to his command control pad. He had spilled coffee on it so many times, it had shorted out, but it hardly mattered since nobody had ever told him what any of those little red and green buttons actually did.
Behind the Captain’s chair was the lift that took you, inexplicably, to any other part of the ship, despite the fact that most of the ship was not in a direct elevator shaft line to the Bridge. It was a wonder of engineering, and Wragg had never been able to figure out how it worked. He had gotten to his present rank not by learning or knowing things, but by being simultaneously confident, ignorant, and cheerfully unresponsive to the advice of others. He was still alive, so his superiors decided his behaviour probably qualified him for command, as long as it was 5 years out toward the edge of the federation’s known space boundaries.
The front of the bridge was dominated by a large flat Visi-screen ™ which showed stars, black space, and at present, a large purple, orange, and green nebula.
“Actually, sir, these photon emissions are quite interesting,” said Eulalia. “Do you know, back on Earth during the late 20th century, similar emissions caused disruptions to…”
“Thank you Eulalia,” said Wragg. “I’m sure it’s fantastically interesting, but seriously, I can’t get excited about it. I mean, we’re an exploration and first contact outfit, and here we are floating around in space looking at photon emissions. I mean, can they talk? Can they engage in meaningful exchanges of…”
“They could be dangerous, Jolly,” said Dr. Bobinder.
“Doctors are always on about how dangerous these things are,” said the Rodent. “Cancer, dementia, damage to DNA. It’s always doom and gloom. The "Cunni" has been hit with emissions for days now and nothing has happened at all.”
"First time for everything," murmured Jollyrei.
“So why are all the hairs in your tail spontaneously curling?” asked Bobinder pointedly.
“What!?” yelped Commander Rodent. “Yikes. Get me a comb, raise shields, these photon thingies are a menace.” He scampered to the engine control station and made a show of grooming his tail, glaring at anyone who looked like they were going to say anything.
“Can we all please stay calm,” said Wragg. “Ensign Moore, anything coming in over comm channels?”
“No,” said Barb Moore. “This is the most boring post on the ship, isn’t it?”
“We could run a simulation of the photon waves through the holodeck,” said Lt. Phlebas.
“What would that do?” asked Wragg.
“He just wants to get me onto the holodeck again,” said Barb.
“Really?” asked Hondoboot. “Why? I can see no benefit to including you in such a venture.”
“Oh come on,” said Barb. “You know what goes on in the holodeck, right?”
“Yes,” said Hondoboot. “We model potential space-time situations, simulate cultural exchanges, economic negotiations, hone our battle skills against a range of virtual enemies…”
“I mean the REAL uses of the holodeck,” said Barb. “You know…”
“Um, no,” said Hondoboot. “I can’t imagine what you’re suggesting…”
“I understand that our Rodent engineer has a special program there with Yeoman Messaline,” said Jollyrei.
“I’m not in this conversation,” said the Rodent. “Going to check the engines.” He streaked off the Bridge into the lift, which inexplicably opened just before he hit the doors.
“I really must find out how those lifts always know when you’re coming,” said Wragg. “Anyway, Ms. Moore, if you could just explain what you’re talking about?
“The holodeck!” said Barb. “Eul knows!”
Eulalia turned slightly red, making a show of punching buttons on her computer. She seemed to be overcome by a fit of coughing. Lt. Loxuru went over an began hitting her on the bottom.
“Um,” said Wragg, “aren’t you supposed to slap her, er, sort of higher up the back?”
“Depends what you’re goal is,” said Bobinder, providing his expert medical opinion. Wragg watched the rhythmic slapping of Eul’s shapely bottom, noting that both Loxuru and Eulalia seemed quite a bit more lively now.
“Well, she has stopped coughing,” said Wragg. “What were we discussing?”
“The Holodeck, and it’s potential to solve this photon emission question,” said Hondoboot.
“And Phlebas and Barb are going to do that, are they?” asked Wragg.
“I’m not,” said Barb. “I remember what happened last time.”
“I’m still not following you,” said Wragg.
“Oh for God’s sake!” said Barb. “People simulate sexual fantasies on the holodeck.”
“Why?” asked Hondoboot. “That seems most illogical. What could be gained?”
“I don’t know,” said Barb. “Last time I went to help test one of Commander Jollyrei’s theories with him, I ended up tied to a post and whipped, while a crowd of onlookers threw rotting fruit at me.”
“I did confirm my theories, though,” said Jollyrei thoughtfully.
“What conclusions did you reach?” asked Hondoboot. “Would you be able to reproduce them with Ms. Eulalia. She is the science officer, after all, and has a very inquisitive mind.”
“And a few other things that I’m rather inquisitive about,” said Phlebas.
“May I excuse myself for a moment,” said Eulalia, “I just want to go and…er…check the, um…I’m not feeling well.”
“You do look a bit flushed,” said Wragg. “Dismissed, Lieutenant. Go have a lie down.” Eulalia retreated to the lifts, which opened automatically and she disappeared into it, followed by Doctor Bobinder.
“Did you see that?” said Wragg. “That lift was just used by Commander Rodent, and now, Eulalia has just used the same lift, but it was here at the Bridge again.”
“Fascinating,” said Hondoboot.
“Were you wearing anything when you were tied to this post in the holodeck?” asked Loxuru.
“This is what I’m trying to report, ” said Barb.
“I don’t know,” said Wragg. “It sounds rather interesting. You were just complaining about how boring it is here on the bridge.”
“Sir, there is surge in the emissions, coming across our bow,” said Jollyrei looking at the scanners over Loxuru’s shoulders.
“Surge in emissions sounds great,” said Phlebas, “on one hand, but ominous on the other hand. Funny thing that.”
“My readings show that this could result in an electromagnetic pulse that could shut down our computers,” said Lt. Repertor. “Might even destroy our warp coils.”
“Well,” said Wragg, “finally some excitement! Shields up to maximum until we find out what this is.”
“Right sir!” said Repertor and hit the shield generator switches. The ship started to emanate a pleasant humming sound. A moment later there was an impact and the ship jolted in space, causing an ensign in a red shirt to be thrown across the Bridge. Wragg’s coffee cup fell off the Captain’s chair. Apart from that, there didn’t seem to be any ill effects.
“Shields holding,” said Repertor.
“Damage report!” barked Jollyrei.
“The Captain’s mug appears to have lost its handle,” said Phlebas. “The Ensign will probably recover.”
“All other decks reporting no major damage,” said Barb.
“Wow,” said Wragg. “Who knew emissions could pack that kind of punch?”
“I am tempted to say ‘that’s what she said’,” said Hondoboot, “but perhaps this isn’t the time.”
“Well,” said Repertor. “We do use photons for our torpedoes.”
“Hmmm,” said Wragg, “good point. Okay, guys, keep the shields up.”
“Captain,” said Barb, “the photon thing seems to have amplified a planetary distress call from a system on the other side of this nebula. It’s coming through now.”
“Why wouldn’t we have noticed it before?” asked Jollyrei.
“Maybe the photons were just interfering before,” said Hondoboot. “Now the photon pulse has acted as an amplifier.”
“Good enough for me,” said Jollyrei.
“On screen,” said Wragg. “Let’s see who’s in distress.”
The main screen, which had been showing the nebula and the vastness of interstellar space, now flickered to show the features of a bearded humanoid, looking concerned, but otherwise in apparent good health.
“This is Rupert T. Wragg, Captain of the Crux Federation Starship Cunnilingus. We have intercepted your distress call, and are coming to your assistance. To whom am I speaking and what is the nature of your emergency?”
“Ah, Captain!” said the man on the screen. “This is most kind of you. I am Archon Rommarius, Prefect of the Cruxton Free States. We are under attack by the forces of the Princess of the Dark Zone. Already, hundreds of our people have died and many more are under sentence of imminent crucifixion. We need your help to defend ourselves.”
“That sounds fantastic,” said Wragg, thinking that anything was better than more photon emissions. “I mean, understood. We will be with you in…er…how long, Mr. Hondoboot?”
“Calculating trajectory around the nebula, to the planet Crux Primus VII…Captain, that planet is way out in the Neutral Zone, outside known Federation space and dangerously close to the Dark Zone.”
“Mr. Hondoboot,” said Wragg. “We have a mission to make contact with new civilizations, and boldly go where no one has gone before. Here is a planet in distress. I think it’s a directive that we have to go to their aid, isn’t it, Mr. Jollyrei?”
“Oh, probably,” said Jollyrei. “It’s exactly the sort of thing the Federation goes on about.”
“Right then,” said Wragg. “Plot a course, Mr. Hondoboot.”
“Aye, sir. We can be there in 4 hours standard,” said Hondoboot.
“There you go, Prefect,” said Wragg to Rommarius on the screen, “we’ll see you later today.”
“We are most grateful, Captain,” said Rommarius, and vanished from the screen. The screen showed the starfield again.
“I fail to see what an attack from the Dark Zone has to do with threats of imminent crucifixions,” said Hondoboot speculatively.
“That’s a project for Eulalia,” said Wragg cheerfully. “Engines all okay, Mr. Rodent?”
“That jolt took a bite out of one of the warp coils…” said the Rodent over the intercom.
“Told you,” said Repertor smugly, making a minute adjustment.
“…but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. We’re ready to run,” said the squirrel.
“Okay then, Mr Loxuru. Warp factor 3…aaaand…engage!”
Loxuru made some flickering hand movements on his console and the ship shot forward. Wragg fell backwards into his command chair. “I love that.”
“You do that on purpose!” accused Bobinder. “You have no impulse control at all.”
“That’s why we don’t use the impulse engines,” quipped Loxuru from the helm.
“You’ve been waiting a long time to get a lead line for that joke, haven’t you?” asked Phlebas.
“You would not believe how long,” said Loxuru.
Wragg had not paid much attention to history at the Academy, and so was not quite up to speed on why the Neutral Zone was a bad place to be. Eulalia would know. The trick was always knowing who on your crew would know something, then act decisively. He looked decisively at Repertor and Phlebas.
“C’mon, guys,” he said, “we need to know about this place. Eulalia’s gone down to the Sick Bay, I think. Let’s make sure she’s okay, and she can tell us about the Dark Zone, the Neutral Zone, and a few other zones if we think of any we want to know about. I want to know what we’re getting into. You come along in case there’s something defensive or weapony we need to do.”
“Right,” said Repertor. “Phasers on vaporize!”
“Steady on, man,” said Wragg. “You have the bridge, Mr. Jollyrei.”
They hopped into the lift (which was there, naturally) and made a squeaky swishy noise as the doors closed. Moments later the doors opened again on floor 7 and they walked into the sick bay. Dr. Bobinder was there examining Eulalia. At least Wragg assumed he was examining her. Both the doctor and Eulalia were naked. Eulalia lay on the padded examining table while Bobinder waved a device of some sort near the juncture of her legs. Occasionally she let out a moan, and Bobinder would smile in appreciation.
“I don’t think she’s quite well yet,” said Wragg to Repertor.
“Oh, she’s getting better fast,” said Repertor, rolling his eyes.
“Have I ever told you about Alice?” Bobinder asked Eulalia. “She was very physically expressive and…” Eulalia let out a loud groan and her whole body twitched and stiffened. Her head thrashed from side to side as her body stiffened. Unfortunately, at this crucial moment in her treatment she saw the Captain, Repertor, and Phlebas standing in the doorway of the examining room.
“Oh!” she said, “Captain!” She looked tired, but briskly grabbed her short uniform dress and pulled it over her nudity.
“Please don’t let us interrupt anything medical,” said Wragg. “We were just hoping you were feeling better.”
“Much better, thanks,” said Eulalia. “Doctor Bob here is a wonder with a tricorder.”
Bobinder was pulling on his own surgical pants.
“I always wondered what those tricorders were good for,” said Repertor. “Might be able to use that feature.”
“Anything you want to tell us, Doctor?” asked Phlebas.
“Dammit,” said Bobinder, “I’m a doctor, not an informant.”
“Yes, well, if you’re up for it…” started Wragg.
“Not me,” said Eulalia. “I need to recover a bit first. Whew!”
“What?” said Wragg.
“What?” said Eulalia. “Oh, I thought you meant…ha…no…clearly you didn’t. Of course not. What can I help with, Captain?”
“What do you know about the Neutral Zone and Crux Primus?” asked Repertor.
“Oh that. The Neutral Zone is a buffer zone in space between us and the Dark Zone. So far this has preserved peace with the Dark Princess. We blew up a few of her ships, and she blew up a few of our ships. She’s quite interesting. Anyway, after a while both sides got tired and there’s sort of a stalemate. Both sides agreed never to go into the Neutral Zone, and that stops everyone getting killed. “
“And Crux Primus?” asked Wragg.
“It’s in the Neutral Zone,“ said Eulalia. “That’s why we don’t know much about it. No Federation ship has ever been there.”
“Just hypothetically,” said Repertor, “if a Federation ship were, say, to go out of warp and into orbit around Crux Primus VII, what would happen?”
“Well,” said Eulalia, “the ship would be in orbit there, naturally.”
“Right,” said Wragg. “Knew that!”
“And we’d technically have declared war on the Dark Zone again, which would be bad,” said Eulalia, “in case you wanted an assessment of risks.”
“Whoops,” murmured Wragg.
“There’s a message coming in from the planet,” said Barb’s voice on the intercom.
“Put it on screen here in Sick Bay,” said Wragg. The Visi-screen™ in the examining room flickered to life showing the face of Prefect Rommarius. Behind him was a pastoral calm scene of parkland, in which there were some tall blue and pink trees, multicoloured flowers in neat beds, and a sparkling fountain shaped like a dolphin with 2 heads and large duck feet. There were also four crosses set up. On each cross was a naked humanoid, 2 men and 2 women. They each had nails in their wrists and feet and hung a good 2 metres off the ground, writhing in agony.
Wragg, Repertor, Phlebas, Eulalia and Bobinder stared at the scene.
“Thank the gods you’re coming,” said Rommarius. “As you can see, we’ve suffered another attack by the Dark Forces. The carnage is appalling. Hundreds of people have been crucified. My technicians are exhausted dealing with the aftermath. You must help us stop this.”
“Not to worry,” said Wragg. “We’ll be there soon and we’ll see what can be done.”
“Thank you, Captain,” said Rommarius. “I’ll send coordinates to your ship for your teleporters.” The screen flashed out.
“Transporters standing by,” said the voice of Lt. Windar, the teleport engineer.
“Did he say “carnage”?” asked Repertor.
“Maybe that’s what they meant by imminent crucifixion,” said Eulalia
“What did you see?” Wragg asked Bobinder.
“A nice park with a fountain, trees, flowers, and 4 crucified people in it. No smoke. No damage,” said Bobinder.
“It doesn’t add up." said Phlebas. "Were they attacked by Dark Zone troops armed with hammers and nails?”
“Well, that’s what we’re going to sort out,” said Wragg.
“And the fact that we’ve just technically started a war between the Federation and the Dark Princess?” asked Eulalia.
“Hope she doesn’t notice we’re here,” said Wragg.
To be continued…
Star date 32-24-36 (What a stardate! A veritable fertility goddess of a stardate!)
Captain’s Log, CFS (Crux Federation Starship) Cunnilingus:
We have been analyzing tantalizing photon emissions coming from the Dark Zone which have been disrupting sub-space communications between Federation colonies, making them unable to hear the inspirational and unifying rhetoric from the homeworld. This is considered a priority to ensure the unity of the Federation. I confess I have a bit of a problem believing it is as important as the railroad or the telephone, which I know nothing about, but I hear they were very important indeed, back before we got all these sexy stardates. I can’t frankly see what all the fuss is about. I mean, really! Photon emissions? Here I am, Captain of a pretty big Starship, with a really sleek main disk module and really fine warp nacelles, phasers, photon torpedoes, and all that GEAR, and they want me to study emissions. Doc Bobinder thinks they might be dangerous to humans. Commander Eulalia (honorary rank, since she knows a lot of things – she’s actually a science slave, and makes really good coffee too) says knowing about them will further science. Lt. Phlebas saw a readout on her screen yesterday and said it looked like a naked girl bodysurfing on the water planet of Aquarius Beta. Now that’s analysis! Anyway…wait, did I just say all that out loud. Shit! Scratch all of that, Computer!
Mission is proceeding according to plan. Crew morale is a bit low, but the prospect of some shore leave on Tumescensius VI in two weeks should fix that.
“Trouble with your log book again Captain?” asked Commander Rodent.
“I keep forgetting that I can’t just rant,” said Captain Wragg. “Now I’ll have to go back in and edit the thing before sending it back to Earth. I’m just so bored.”
It was a dull day on the Bridge of the Starship Cunnilingus. The Bridge crew sat listlessly at their stations along the hexagonal edge of the room. Science, weapons, communications, impulse control, warp drive monitors. In the central section was the navigation console, manned by Lt. Hondoboot, a Vulcan, and the helm, operated by Lt. Loxuru. Lt. Commander Eulalia was actually a slave. She was owned by the Federation and was legally part of the ship. She was also someone who knew a lot of things about, well, a lot of things, so she was a science officer. She also made the coffee. Crux Federation slaves were all specialists and their price was beyond what Wragg could afford. He could barely afford the sex slave he had back home to pleasure his wife while he was away, since everyone knew repressing sexual urges was bad for your physical and mental health. Providing a sex slave seemed like a bargain and ensured that his wife would be taken care of while he was away on a five year mission.
Wragg surveyed his captain’s chair in the centre of the Bridge, an ugly squarish thing with no seat belt. A cup of steaming hot coffee sat on the large armrest, next to his command control pad. He had spilled coffee on it so many times, it had shorted out, but it hardly mattered since nobody had ever told him what any of those little red and green buttons actually did.
Behind the Captain’s chair was the lift that took you, inexplicably, to any other part of the ship, despite the fact that most of the ship was not in a direct elevator shaft line to the Bridge. It was a wonder of engineering, and Wragg had never been able to figure out how it worked. He had gotten to his present rank not by learning or knowing things, but by being simultaneously confident, ignorant, and cheerfully unresponsive to the advice of others. He was still alive, so his superiors decided his behaviour probably qualified him for command, as long as it was 5 years out toward the edge of the federation’s known space boundaries.
The front of the bridge was dominated by a large flat Visi-screen ™ which showed stars, black space, and at present, a large purple, orange, and green nebula.
“Actually, sir, these photon emissions are quite interesting,” said Eulalia. “Do you know, back on Earth during the late 20th century, similar emissions caused disruptions to…”
“Thank you Eulalia,” said Wragg. “I’m sure it’s fantastically interesting, but seriously, I can’t get excited about it. I mean, we’re an exploration and first contact outfit, and here we are floating around in space looking at photon emissions. I mean, can they talk? Can they engage in meaningful exchanges of…”
“They could be dangerous, Jolly,” said Dr. Bobinder.
“Doctors are always on about how dangerous these things are,” said the Rodent. “Cancer, dementia, damage to DNA. It’s always doom and gloom. The "Cunni" has been hit with emissions for days now and nothing has happened at all.”
"First time for everything," murmured Jollyrei.
“So why are all the hairs in your tail spontaneously curling?” asked Bobinder pointedly.
“What!?” yelped Commander Rodent. “Yikes. Get me a comb, raise shields, these photon thingies are a menace.” He scampered to the engine control station and made a show of grooming his tail, glaring at anyone who looked like they were going to say anything.
“Can we all please stay calm,” said Wragg. “Ensign Moore, anything coming in over comm channels?”
“No,” said Barb Moore. “This is the most boring post on the ship, isn’t it?”
“We could run a simulation of the photon waves through the holodeck,” said Lt. Phlebas.
“What would that do?” asked Wragg.
“He just wants to get me onto the holodeck again,” said Barb.
“Really?” asked Hondoboot. “Why? I can see no benefit to including you in such a venture.”
“Oh come on,” said Barb. “You know what goes on in the holodeck, right?”
“Yes,” said Hondoboot. “We model potential space-time situations, simulate cultural exchanges, economic negotiations, hone our battle skills against a range of virtual enemies…”
“I mean the REAL uses of the holodeck,” said Barb. “You know…”
“Um, no,” said Hondoboot. “I can’t imagine what you’re suggesting…”
“I understand that our Rodent engineer has a special program there with Yeoman Messaline,” said Jollyrei.
“I’m not in this conversation,” said the Rodent. “Going to check the engines.” He streaked off the Bridge into the lift, which inexplicably opened just before he hit the doors.
“I really must find out how those lifts always know when you’re coming,” said Wragg. “Anyway, Ms. Moore, if you could just explain what you’re talking about?
“The holodeck!” said Barb. “Eul knows!”
Eulalia turned slightly red, making a show of punching buttons on her computer. She seemed to be overcome by a fit of coughing. Lt. Loxuru went over an began hitting her on the bottom.
“Um,” said Wragg, “aren’t you supposed to slap her, er, sort of higher up the back?”
“Depends what you’re goal is,” said Bobinder, providing his expert medical opinion. Wragg watched the rhythmic slapping of Eul’s shapely bottom, noting that both Loxuru and Eulalia seemed quite a bit more lively now.
“Well, she has stopped coughing,” said Wragg. “What were we discussing?”
“The Holodeck, and it’s potential to solve this photon emission question,” said Hondoboot.
“And Phlebas and Barb are going to do that, are they?” asked Wragg.
“I’m not,” said Barb. “I remember what happened last time.”
“I’m still not following you,” said Wragg.
“Oh for God’s sake!” said Barb. “People simulate sexual fantasies on the holodeck.”
“Why?” asked Hondoboot. “That seems most illogical. What could be gained?”
“I don’t know,” said Barb. “Last time I went to help test one of Commander Jollyrei’s theories with him, I ended up tied to a post and whipped, while a crowd of onlookers threw rotting fruit at me.”
“I did confirm my theories, though,” said Jollyrei thoughtfully.
“What conclusions did you reach?” asked Hondoboot. “Would you be able to reproduce them with Ms. Eulalia. She is the science officer, after all, and has a very inquisitive mind.”
“And a few other things that I’m rather inquisitive about,” said Phlebas.
“May I excuse myself for a moment,” said Eulalia, “I just want to go and…er…check the, um…I’m not feeling well.”
“You do look a bit flushed,” said Wragg. “Dismissed, Lieutenant. Go have a lie down.” Eulalia retreated to the lifts, which opened automatically and she disappeared into it, followed by Doctor Bobinder.
“Did you see that?” said Wragg. “That lift was just used by Commander Rodent, and now, Eulalia has just used the same lift, but it was here at the Bridge again.”
“Fascinating,” said Hondoboot.
“Were you wearing anything when you were tied to this post in the holodeck?” asked Loxuru.
“This is what I’m trying to report, ” said Barb.
“I don’t know,” said Wragg. “It sounds rather interesting. You were just complaining about how boring it is here on the bridge.”
“Sir, there is surge in the emissions, coming across our bow,” said Jollyrei looking at the scanners over Loxuru’s shoulders.
“Surge in emissions sounds great,” said Phlebas, “on one hand, but ominous on the other hand. Funny thing that.”
“My readings show that this could result in an electromagnetic pulse that could shut down our computers,” said Lt. Repertor. “Might even destroy our warp coils.”
“Well,” said Wragg, “finally some excitement! Shields up to maximum until we find out what this is.”
“Right sir!” said Repertor and hit the shield generator switches. The ship started to emanate a pleasant humming sound. A moment later there was an impact and the ship jolted in space, causing an ensign in a red shirt to be thrown across the Bridge. Wragg’s coffee cup fell off the Captain’s chair. Apart from that, there didn’t seem to be any ill effects.
“Shields holding,” said Repertor.
“Damage report!” barked Jollyrei.
“The Captain’s mug appears to have lost its handle,” said Phlebas. “The Ensign will probably recover.”
“All other decks reporting no major damage,” said Barb.
“Wow,” said Wragg. “Who knew emissions could pack that kind of punch?”
“I am tempted to say ‘that’s what she said’,” said Hondoboot, “but perhaps this isn’t the time.”
“Well,” said Repertor. “We do use photons for our torpedoes.”
“Hmmm,” said Wragg, “good point. Okay, guys, keep the shields up.”
“Captain,” said Barb, “the photon thing seems to have amplified a planetary distress call from a system on the other side of this nebula. It’s coming through now.”
“Why wouldn’t we have noticed it before?” asked Jollyrei.
“Maybe the photons were just interfering before,” said Hondoboot. “Now the photon pulse has acted as an amplifier.”
“Good enough for me,” said Jollyrei.
“On screen,” said Wragg. “Let’s see who’s in distress.”
The main screen, which had been showing the nebula and the vastness of interstellar space, now flickered to show the features of a bearded humanoid, looking concerned, but otherwise in apparent good health.
“This is Rupert T. Wragg, Captain of the Crux Federation Starship Cunnilingus. We have intercepted your distress call, and are coming to your assistance. To whom am I speaking and what is the nature of your emergency?”
“Ah, Captain!” said the man on the screen. “This is most kind of you. I am Archon Rommarius, Prefect of the Cruxton Free States. We are under attack by the forces of the Princess of the Dark Zone. Already, hundreds of our people have died and many more are under sentence of imminent crucifixion. We need your help to defend ourselves.”
“That sounds fantastic,” said Wragg, thinking that anything was better than more photon emissions. “I mean, understood. We will be with you in…er…how long, Mr. Hondoboot?”
“Calculating trajectory around the nebula, to the planet Crux Primus VII…Captain, that planet is way out in the Neutral Zone, outside known Federation space and dangerously close to the Dark Zone.”
“Mr. Hondoboot,” said Wragg. “We have a mission to make contact with new civilizations, and boldly go where no one has gone before. Here is a planet in distress. I think it’s a directive that we have to go to their aid, isn’t it, Mr. Jollyrei?”
“Oh, probably,” said Jollyrei. “It’s exactly the sort of thing the Federation goes on about.”
“Right then,” said Wragg. “Plot a course, Mr. Hondoboot.”
“Aye, sir. We can be there in 4 hours standard,” said Hondoboot.
“There you go, Prefect,” said Wragg to Rommarius on the screen, “we’ll see you later today.”
“We are most grateful, Captain,” said Rommarius, and vanished from the screen. The screen showed the starfield again.
“I fail to see what an attack from the Dark Zone has to do with threats of imminent crucifixions,” said Hondoboot speculatively.
“That’s a project for Eulalia,” said Wragg cheerfully. “Engines all okay, Mr. Rodent?”
“That jolt took a bite out of one of the warp coils…” said the Rodent over the intercom.
“Told you,” said Repertor smugly, making a minute adjustment.
“…but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. We’re ready to run,” said the squirrel.
“Okay then, Mr Loxuru. Warp factor 3…aaaand…engage!”
Loxuru made some flickering hand movements on his console and the ship shot forward. Wragg fell backwards into his command chair. “I love that.”
“You do that on purpose!” accused Bobinder. “You have no impulse control at all.”
“That’s why we don’t use the impulse engines,” quipped Loxuru from the helm.
“You’ve been waiting a long time to get a lead line for that joke, haven’t you?” asked Phlebas.
“You would not believe how long,” said Loxuru.
Wragg had not paid much attention to history at the Academy, and so was not quite up to speed on why the Neutral Zone was a bad place to be. Eulalia would know. The trick was always knowing who on your crew would know something, then act decisively. He looked decisively at Repertor and Phlebas.
“C’mon, guys,” he said, “we need to know about this place. Eulalia’s gone down to the Sick Bay, I think. Let’s make sure she’s okay, and she can tell us about the Dark Zone, the Neutral Zone, and a few other zones if we think of any we want to know about. I want to know what we’re getting into. You come along in case there’s something defensive or weapony we need to do.”
“Right,” said Repertor. “Phasers on vaporize!”
“Steady on, man,” said Wragg. “You have the bridge, Mr. Jollyrei.”
They hopped into the lift (which was there, naturally) and made a squeaky swishy noise as the doors closed. Moments later the doors opened again on floor 7 and they walked into the sick bay. Dr. Bobinder was there examining Eulalia. At least Wragg assumed he was examining her. Both the doctor and Eulalia were naked. Eulalia lay on the padded examining table while Bobinder waved a device of some sort near the juncture of her legs. Occasionally she let out a moan, and Bobinder would smile in appreciation.
“I don’t think she’s quite well yet,” said Wragg to Repertor.
“Oh, she’s getting better fast,” said Repertor, rolling his eyes.
“Have I ever told you about Alice?” Bobinder asked Eulalia. “She was very physically expressive and…” Eulalia let out a loud groan and her whole body twitched and stiffened. Her head thrashed from side to side as her body stiffened. Unfortunately, at this crucial moment in her treatment she saw the Captain, Repertor, and Phlebas standing in the doorway of the examining room.
“Oh!” she said, “Captain!” She looked tired, but briskly grabbed her short uniform dress and pulled it over her nudity.
“Please don’t let us interrupt anything medical,” said Wragg. “We were just hoping you were feeling better.”
“Much better, thanks,” said Eulalia. “Doctor Bob here is a wonder with a tricorder.”
Bobinder was pulling on his own surgical pants.
“I always wondered what those tricorders were good for,” said Repertor. “Might be able to use that feature.”
“Anything you want to tell us, Doctor?” asked Phlebas.
“Dammit,” said Bobinder, “I’m a doctor, not an informant.”
“Yes, well, if you’re up for it…” started Wragg.
“Not me,” said Eulalia. “I need to recover a bit first. Whew!”
“What?” said Wragg.
“What?” said Eulalia. “Oh, I thought you meant…ha…no…clearly you didn’t. Of course not. What can I help with, Captain?”
“What do you know about the Neutral Zone and Crux Primus?” asked Repertor.
“Oh that. The Neutral Zone is a buffer zone in space between us and the Dark Zone. So far this has preserved peace with the Dark Princess. We blew up a few of her ships, and she blew up a few of our ships. She’s quite interesting. Anyway, after a while both sides got tired and there’s sort of a stalemate. Both sides agreed never to go into the Neutral Zone, and that stops everyone getting killed. “
“And Crux Primus?” asked Wragg.
“It’s in the Neutral Zone,“ said Eulalia. “That’s why we don’t know much about it. No Federation ship has ever been there.”
“Just hypothetically,” said Repertor, “if a Federation ship were, say, to go out of warp and into orbit around Crux Primus VII, what would happen?”
“Well,” said Eulalia, “the ship would be in orbit there, naturally.”
“Right,” said Wragg. “Knew that!”
“And we’d technically have declared war on the Dark Zone again, which would be bad,” said Eulalia, “in case you wanted an assessment of risks.”
“Whoops,” murmured Wragg.
“There’s a message coming in from the planet,” said Barb’s voice on the intercom.
“Put it on screen here in Sick Bay,” said Wragg. The Visi-screen™ in the examining room flickered to life showing the face of Prefect Rommarius. Behind him was a pastoral calm scene of parkland, in which there were some tall blue and pink trees, multicoloured flowers in neat beds, and a sparkling fountain shaped like a dolphin with 2 heads and large duck feet. There were also four crosses set up. On each cross was a naked humanoid, 2 men and 2 women. They each had nails in their wrists and feet and hung a good 2 metres off the ground, writhing in agony.
Wragg, Repertor, Phlebas, Eulalia and Bobinder stared at the scene.
“Thank the gods you’re coming,” said Rommarius. “As you can see, we’ve suffered another attack by the Dark Forces. The carnage is appalling. Hundreds of people have been crucified. My technicians are exhausted dealing with the aftermath. You must help us stop this.”
“Not to worry,” said Wragg. “We’ll be there soon and we’ll see what can be done.”
“Thank you, Captain,” said Rommarius. “I’ll send coordinates to your ship for your teleporters.” The screen flashed out.
“Transporters standing by,” said the voice of Lt. Windar, the teleport engineer.
“Did he say “carnage”?” asked Repertor.
“Maybe that’s what they meant by imminent crucifixion,” said Eulalia
“What did you see?” Wragg asked Bobinder.
“A nice park with a fountain, trees, flowers, and 4 crucified people in it. No smoke. No damage,” said Bobinder.
“It doesn’t add up." said Phlebas. "Were they attacked by Dark Zone troops armed with hammers and nails?”
“Well, that’s what we’re going to sort out,” said Wragg.
“And the fact that we’ve just technically started a war between the Federation and the Dark Princess?” asked Eulalia.
“Hope she doesn’t notice we’re here,” said Wragg.
To be continued…
Butw with this CF crew in command over a Federation spaceship, it is a luck that outer space is a very empty place, so that they are no danger for other travelers.
