At least some of you realize that yes, I do in fact need help. My BF of many years used to be my voice of reason and it just got to be too much for him. Don't get me wrong, I put him through a lot of shit and he dealt with my schitzo ass for years until I became an obstacle to him accomplishing his life goals. I plan to try to fix things with him and he's open to it, I just have to get myself squared away. Talking about my experience as a girl has actually helped a lot, and looking back, I recognize things now that could be sources for trauma. One example was that the nuns were very brash and abusive. Nothing was ever good enough for them and I was a good student and athlete. A source of pride for our school, but when your best isn't good enough, it wears you down. I never wanted to be expelled but it turns out that is was one of the best things ever to happen to me.
As far as my fetishes and my life as a submissive woman, I met a man great enough to allow me to be submissive. And I loved that. At work I'm always the one everyone relies on to fix shit when it gets fucked up. I don't want to go home and be in charge too. And he made me feel safe. I knew I was never in danger. Like I said. In New York it seems that bikers and goths are the only ones into the bdsm scene, not being Goth and not being able to relate to them well, that leaves the bikers , and the ones here treat women like property. Mine never did, he treated me like a treasure, even if I was tied up and gagged, I was still of value to him and he always made me feel that way.
As far as my exploits as a girl, I think it would be more accepted if I wasn't at a private school. I mean, I played with myself a lot but technically I was a virgin til college. So I wasn't a slut or anything, but the sisters made you feel that way and that's fucked up. That's what made me start to fantasize about being nailed to the cross and being molested by everybody, being 18 of course. Then when I was first properly restrained omg did it feel good. Not being able to move as someone touches you in all the right places. Add the pain of a pair of nipple clamps or a single tail and the ecstasy just boils over. I think sex is supposed to be like that for a woman, and if more would try it I think they would enjoy it too. So we tried switching a couple times and I LOVE having my man tied down, not able to talk or see, and getting him hard. Then slowly mounting him and. Taking him all the way in. This was where I got a bit of revenge for things he put me through, that I loved of course but he had never had his nipples clamped and I think he enjoyed it as much as I did, which led to us clamping each other's nipples together when we made love. Now that was HOT! Im not embarrassed at all I have these disputes and think more submissive women should communicate their desires to their men. I know women who have had them for years and never said a word because they're prudes.
