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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more..

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.een-engel-boven-op-een-verfraaide-kerstboom-28191227.jpg
 
Some grammatical humour

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This is a poem by Pam Ayres which I can't recall seeing here, and her name doesn't come up on a Search.

As this member knows, the perils of growing old:



The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
And stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!
 
This is a poem by Pam Ayres which I can't recall seeing here, and her name doesn't come up on a Search.

As this member knows, the perils of growing old:



The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
And stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!

I laughed out loud when Mabel toppled off her Zimmer frame, I am a bad rodent :oops:

Good find though OS, I could imagine Pam Ayeres customary delivery as I read it :D
 
This is a poem by Pam Ayres which I can't recall seeing here, and her name doesn't come up on a Search.

As this member knows, the perils of growing old:



The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
And stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!

I hate to be a pedant but Pam didn't write this one, it's by a chap called John Summers ;)

Which is why you won't find her reciting it on You Tube... she's a great poet with her Vale of White Horse accent, but not a lot of her stuff will get many likes on Cruxforums! :rolleyes:

Saying that, let's try. Here she is at about her raciest.... at least you can imagine her reading 50 shades....


Sorry about the cat at the end, OS :(
 
I hate to be a pedant but Pam didn't write this one, it's by a chap called John Summers ;)

Which is why you won't find her reciting it on You Tube... she's a great poet with her Vale of White Horse accent, but not a lot of her stuff will get many likes on Cruxforums! :rolleyes:

I did think it looked rather racy for Pam Ayres!

The following is also a bit too racy to appear in the next Toy Story chapter
9485619.jpg
 
Pam didn't write this one

I did have my doubts but a (very) quick Google seemed to confirm it. Glad you could attribute correctly.

OK, some unattributed non-PC shorts, trying to insult as many races, religions and body-shapes as possible:



19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today,
She shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy, but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
 
A priest and a nun are playing darts.
To his annoyment, the priest finds out that the nun plays much better than him. As a result, his play even gets worse.
"Damn! Missed!" he shouts when once more, his dart misses its target.
Another bad throw.
"Damn! Missed!"
"Father!" the nun says "Our Dear Lord will be upset with that kind of language!"
But the priest ignores her, throws again and misses.
"Damn! Missed!"
Suddenly, there is a flash of a lightning bolt, hitting the nun.
The priest looks surprised to the smoking hole where the nun just had stood, and then he hears a voice from heaven :
"Damn! Missed!"
 
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