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Now This Just Isn't Funny
- Thread starter admihoek
- Start date
a pity it is that far awaysaw a nice notice on Facebook:
My boyfriend's allergic to my cat,
so I won't be able to keep him.
He's ginger, called Tom,
very cute, comes when you call,
aged 28, works in IT.
sympazero2
Cruciformae Studiosus
Oldie but Goodie:
During a rehearsal, conductor Sir Thomas Beecham thought that his
female soloist was playing less than adequately on her fine Italian cello.
He stopped the orchestra and declared: "Madam, you have between your legs
an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!"
During a rehearsal, conductor Sir Thomas Beecham thought that his
female soloist was playing less than adequately on her fine Italian cello.
He stopped the orchestra and declared: "Madam, you have between your legs
an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!"
Ego Stipes Ergo Sum
sympazero2
Cruciformae Studiosus
I was just as surprised as you are...
Ego Stipes Ergo Sum
Primus pilus
Magister Australis
Pp has always thought that this one belongs in the "Impalations" thread.I was just as surprised as you are...
Naraku
Draconarius
Naraku thinks this one belongs in Ripley's Believe It or Not.
(Why are we referring to ourselves in the third person?)
Naraku thinks this one belongs in Ripley's Believe It or Not.
(Why are we referring to ourselves in the third person?)
We appreciate Dorothy demonstrating this!!!
Tree
(Why are we referring to ourselves in the third person?)
Tree might have started that... Every jock does it now... No, you need not kiss my ring...
that's a pity, but this part is a part
of one of your many nightmares
and it is nice
yep the pic of course
sympazero2
Cruciformae Studiosus
If you look closely you can see - on the right side - a guy in a suit actually checking blueprints.
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LittleSiss
Sorceress
Primus pilus
Magister Australis
Being awarded a couple of iron spikes might be more appropriate.
Pp is quite surprised Siss knows what a slide rule is but can she surprise him even further and actually use one???????
Naraku
Draconarius
Foreman to Supervisor: "How was I suppose to know it was metric?"
KvK
Tribune
All this talk of blueprints inspires a joke.
A beautiful, buxom blonde has been crucified naked on a Saint Andrew's Cross, the weight bearing down on her crotch which is now the focus of the sheer agony that is her existence. When her crotch eventually drips from the arousement she feels as her mind converts agony into bliss, the crucifiers pull out the blueprints and say "Wait a minute...she's not supposed to be enjoying this...looks like we did it wrong...Damn it! We're going to have to start aaaaaaaaaaaaaalllll over again. Okay, let's go!"
A beautiful, buxom blonde has been crucified naked on a Saint Andrew's Cross, the weight bearing down on her crotch which is now the focus of the sheer agony that is her existence. When her crotch eventually drips from the arousement she feels as her mind converts agony into bliss, the crucifiers pull out the blueprints and say "Wait a minute...she's not supposed to be enjoying this...looks like we did it wrong...Damn it! We're going to have to start aaaaaaaaaaaaaalllll over again. Okay, let's go!"
sympazero2
Cruciformae Studiosus
KvK
Tribune
Here is another one, inspired by the "Field FUN!" scene of the movie Jarhead, with a touch of the recent "cybernatural" film Unfriended.
At a frat party one night, a beautiful 19-year old brunette with blue eyes drank so much she passed out and shat herself. Her "Bestie" filmed it with her cellphone cam, and posted it online, laughing.
Big mistake. The 19-year old was a smart pre-law student. Instead of being humiliated, she saved the footage, took it to CSI Cyber, and they traced it back to the "Bestie,"--a cute 20-year old blonde--'s phone. She put CSI Cyber's report linking the online footage of her passed out, shit streaming from the edges of her short shorts in a brown envelope, approached her "Bestie" and handed her the envelope.
"What's this?"
"Open it and find out."
The Bestie opened up the envelope, pulled out the report and read it. Her eyes grew very wide when she saw that CSI Cyber had linked the online footage conclusively to her cellphone...
"This was a courtesy call out of what was one our friendship" the 19-year old's words, though soft spoken, were so sudden that, in her terrified state, the Bestie nearly jumped out of her skin. "The Dean's Office has the original report. You know the University's rules on online harassment. Zero tolerance. Immediate expulsion. Mandatory immediate repayment of any loans or scholarship..."
"Please...noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I would have said the same thing if I wasn't passed out and unable to...which makes me think that, since this was not with my consent..."
"Please, PLEASE! NO! Don't! I'll do anything..."
"Too late. How many people do you think saw that?"
"Oh, God! That was the biggest mistake of my life ever! I am so, SO sorry!"
"No"
"No, what?"
"No, that wasn't "the biggest mistake of your life ever." Doing that to me was the biggest mistake of your life ever. And no, you are not sorry...not sorry enough, I should say...which is why your college career and your job prospects are over."
"Ohhhhhhh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!"
The Bestie sobs forcefully and impotently for what seems forever.
"Wellll...."
The 19-year old's words, though softly spoken, interrupt the sobbing so suddenly that they are to the Bestie like the startling crack of a whip. The Bestie's head snaps up in rapt attention.
"Just so happens that I happened to buy out your student loan. What I do with it...i.e. call it, or let you pay me back later...now depends entirely on you."
"What...what do I have to do?"
The 19-year old smiles.
"This weekend, you will get a text from me. Be where the text tells you to be when that text tells you to be there, or I am calling the loan."
The Bestie receives the text that weekend. She follows it to the letter. A short time later, she is naked, with her long blonde hair tied back to totally expose her, and writhing in agony on a Saint Andrew's Cross as her full weight bears down on her crotch.
"I don't hear you laughing now!" says the 19-year old, after half an hour of the entertainments.
"Y-y-you...fucking...bitch....I'm...f...fucking crucified...my crotch is on fire...how can I laugh?"
"Okay, I'm going to call the loan. Not that it matters to you since you aren't coming down off that cross until you laugh or die."
The Bestie glares at the 19 year old. Slowly, very slowly, she wrenches a "Ha!" from her tortured diaphragmme. Several other "Ha!"'s follow.
The 19-year old smiles.
"OK!" she says, pressing the button on the control box that lowers the Saint Andrew's Cross back down. "Good enough for me."
"So...so...you're not going to call my loan?"
"No. I lied. I never bought it out. Hell, I never told the Dean. Don't you realise I would have been expelled for being drunk on campus if he ever saw that?"
"You...BITCH!!!!!" The Bestie writhes furiously, not in anguish this time but in rage.
"Now, now! Temper! I think I'm going to leave you there until you've calmed down. Nighty-nite!"
At a frat party one night, a beautiful 19-year old brunette with blue eyes drank so much she passed out and shat herself. Her "Bestie" filmed it with her cellphone cam, and posted it online, laughing.
Big mistake. The 19-year old was a smart pre-law student. Instead of being humiliated, she saved the footage, took it to CSI Cyber, and they traced it back to the "Bestie,"--a cute 20-year old blonde--'s phone. She put CSI Cyber's report linking the online footage of her passed out, shit streaming from the edges of her short shorts in a brown envelope, approached her "Bestie" and handed her the envelope.
"What's this?"
"Open it and find out."
The Bestie opened up the envelope, pulled out the report and read it. Her eyes grew very wide when she saw that CSI Cyber had linked the online footage conclusively to her cellphone...
"This was a courtesy call out of what was one our friendship" the 19-year old's words, though soft spoken, were so sudden that, in her terrified state, the Bestie nearly jumped out of her skin. "The Dean's Office has the original report. You know the University's rules on online harassment. Zero tolerance. Immediate expulsion. Mandatory immediate repayment of any loans or scholarship..."
"Please...noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I would have said the same thing if I wasn't passed out and unable to...which makes me think that, since this was not with my consent..."
"Please, PLEASE! NO! Don't! I'll do anything..."
"Too late. How many people do you think saw that?"
"Oh, God! That was the biggest mistake of my life ever! I am so, SO sorry!"
"No"
"No, what?"
"No, that wasn't "the biggest mistake of your life ever." Doing that to me was the biggest mistake of your life ever. And no, you are not sorry...not sorry enough, I should say...which is why your college career and your job prospects are over."
"Ohhhhhhh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!"
The Bestie sobs forcefully and impotently for what seems forever.
"Wellll...."
The 19-year old's words, though softly spoken, interrupt the sobbing so suddenly that they are to the Bestie like the startling crack of a whip. The Bestie's head snaps up in rapt attention.
"Just so happens that I happened to buy out your student loan. What I do with it...i.e. call it, or let you pay me back later...now depends entirely on you."
"What...what do I have to do?"
The 19-year old smiles.
"This weekend, you will get a text from me. Be where the text tells you to be when that text tells you to be there, or I am calling the loan."
The Bestie receives the text that weekend. She follows it to the letter. A short time later, she is naked, with her long blonde hair tied back to totally expose her, and writhing in agony on a Saint Andrew's Cross as her full weight bears down on her crotch.
"I don't hear you laughing now!" says the 19-year old, after half an hour of the entertainments.
"Y-y-you...fucking...bitch....I'm...f...fucking crucified...my crotch is on fire...how can I laugh?"
"Okay, I'm going to call the loan. Not that it matters to you since you aren't coming down off that cross until you laugh or die."
The Bestie glares at the 19 year old. Slowly, very slowly, she wrenches a "Ha!" from her tortured diaphragmme. Several other "Ha!"'s follow.
The 19-year old smiles.
"OK!" she says, pressing the button on the control box that lowers the Saint Andrew's Cross back down. "Good enough for me."
"So...so...you're not going to call my loan?"
"No. I lied. I never bought it out. Hell, I never told the Dean. Don't you realise I would have been expelled for being drunk on campus if he ever saw that?"
"You...BITCH!!!!!" The Bestie writhes furiously, not in anguish this time but in rage.
"Now, now! Temper! I think I'm going to leave you there until you've calmed down. Nighty-nite!"
sympazero2
Cruciformae Studiosus
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