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Now This Just Isn't Funny
- Thread starter admihoek
- Start date
KvK
Tribune
A woman in Florida had just been convicted, in the middle of a particularly muggy July, of kiting checks. She was about to be sentenced.
"The good news," began the judge, "is that you will be bound to a cross for forty-eight hours in lieu of imprisonment, in order to relieve overcrowding."
"GOOD NEWS!?!?!?!?!?!" exclaims the bewildered woman "What's the BAD news?"
"The bad news is that our crucifixion facilities are also overcrowded, so you will be crucified out in the Bayous, where the weather channel says it will be hot and humid during the forty-eight hours of your crucifixion."
"The good news," began the judge, "is that you will be bound to a cross for forty-eight hours in lieu of imprisonment, in order to relieve overcrowding."
"GOOD NEWS!?!?!?!?!?!" exclaims the bewildered woman "What's the BAD news?"
"The bad news is that our crucifixion facilities are also overcrowded, so you will be crucified out in the Bayous, where the weather channel says it will be hot and humid during the forty-eight hours of your crucifixion."
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
Just asking? Bayous? In Florida? I thought these were in the Mississippi.
But I could be wrong? 
I guess if you crucifiy the lady in the Everglades it will be all the same. Hot and humid. Plenty of insects. And sometimes an alligator licking at her feet? Or are alligators only in the Mississippi too?
Naraku
Draconarius
"Bayou" refers to a coastal marsh area. The term originated in Louisiana & most often refers to parts of the Gulf Coast from about Houston to Mobile. However, there are some bayous in South Florida. One of them, Spring Bayou, is in Tarpon Springs, not far from me. But, its a bit too developed for crucifixions.Just asking? Bayous? In Florida? I thought these were in the Mississippi.
I suspect that KvK was using the term as an alternative to "swamps", which are forested wetlands & which we have quite a lot of in Florida.
Another thing we have quite a lot of is alligators. Lots & lots of them. Even on our golf courses.
That's not too far from me either.
And, a gator wouldn't lick her feet. He'd chomp on them.!
We also lots of insects. Lots & lots & lots & lots of them!
I think she would be eaten up by the mosquitoes long before an alligator came along.
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
Thanks for the explanation (the word 'bayou' sounded familiar to me from a few songs by Creendence Clearwater Revival, who rather sing the Mississippi than Florida, so...)."Bayou" refers to a coastal marsh area. The term originated in Louisiana & most often refers to parts of the Gulf Coast from about Houston to Mobile. However, there are some bayous in South Florida. One of them, Spring Bayou, is in Tarpon Springs, not far from me. But, its a bit too developed for crucifixions.
I suspect that KvK was using the term as an alternative to "swamps", which are forested wetlands & which we have quite a lot of in Florida.
Another thing we have quite a lot of is alligators. Lots & lots of them. Even on our golf courses.
That's not too far from me either.
And, a gator wouldn't lick her feet. He'd chomp on them.!
We also lots of insects. Lots & lots & lots & lots of them!
I think she would be eaten up by the mosquitoes long before an alligator came along.
And no doubt either on the bayou or in the swamps, the crosses should be high enough to prevent the alligaors heaving an easy dinner.
Before river channelization there were bayous in Illinois, southern Missouri, and Northeast Arkansas...Thanks for the explanation (the word 'bayou' sounded familiar to me from a few songs by Creendence Clearwater Revival, who rather sing the Mississippi than Florida, so...).
And no doubt either on the bayou or in the swamps, the crosses should be high enough to prevent the alligaors heaving an easy dinner.
KvK
Tribune
A woman had been convicted of forgery. She was before the judge for sentencing.
The judge said "The good news is that I am sentencing you for crucifixion."
"GOOD NEWS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! If that's the GOOD NEWS, what is the BAD NEWS???????????"
"The bad news is that our crucifixion facilities are currently as overcrowded as our prisons, so I am sending you to a facility that doubles as a golf course."
The judge said "The good news is that I am sentencing you for crucifixion."
"GOOD NEWS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! If that's the GOOD NEWS, what is the BAD NEWS???????????"
"The bad news is that our crucifixion facilities are currently as overcrowded as our prisons, so I am sending you to a facility that doubles as a golf course."
T
The Fallen Angel
Guest
Either Kvk takes the title of the thread too literally or his mind works in weird and wonderful ways.I don't get it????
KvK
Tribune
Two things.I don't get it????
1) Golf courses have lets of people playing golf and other people watching people playing golf, so there will be lots of spectators to her humiliation
2) Golf courses have lots of golf balls flying at high velocity. The golf player's ability to control the ball's trajectory ends the second the club and the ball part ways, so every time she hears "FORE!", she will cringe at the very real possibility of receiving the impact of an already hard-cased golf ball traveling at high velocity, accelerated by gravity as it comes down, somewhere on her thoroughly exposed flesh
KvK
Tribune
indeed a real blondBlonde wife finds out her husband's having an affair.
She gets herself a handgun and bursts in on the cheat having it away with his floosie.
She puts the gun to her own head.
'Don't! Please don't shoot yourself!' the erring husband cries.
Blonde wife replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
Naraku
Draconarius
In Florida, the golf courses have alligators.
I hadn't thought about it earlier, but there is a connection between Spring Bayou & crosses. Tarpon Springs has the highest percentage of people of Greek descent of any city in the US. Every year, during Epiphany, a blessed wooden cross is thrown into Spring Bayou & boys between 16 & 18 dive in after it. The one who comes up with the cross, is said to have good luck the rest of the year.
Not really crux related, but I thought it was interesting.
KvK
Tribune
A smart-ass recent law school grad who had just passed the bar was before a judge for sentencing for failure to stop at a Stop Sign. As she had done with the arresting officer, she copped an attitude with the judge, representing herself and arguing that the distinction between "slowing down" and "stopping" was arbitrary and unconstitutional. The judge seemingly showed more forbearance than the arresting officer.
He said "Young lady, I see you passed your bar and I see that you are going to make a promising lawyer. Instead of sentencing you officially and giving you a record that will impede you ability to practice law, I will offer you non-judicial experimental punishment as an alternative."
"What does that entail?"
"I cannot tell you that. You must take it or leave it based on what I have just told you."
The law grad, a hot blonde in her mid-twenties pondered this for a moment. She did a risk-benefit analysis and concluded that the benefit of not having a record outweighed any risk involved, and she took up the judge on his offer of non-judicial experimental punishment.
She reported to the facility as ordered. She was told to strip by two burly female guards. She complied, knowing this was part of the drill. The guards then performed a search of each of her cavites. The law grad felt humiliated, but protested not because she knew this was part of the drill.
Then she was suddenly blindfolded and her hands were manacled behind her back before she could react. She began to shout and struggle against the guard's firm grips on her arms.
"Honey, you know the terms of your sentence. Any reports of 'unsatisfactory' from us and you got to jail with a record."
This quieted the law grad, who was marched blindfolded to another room, the cold of the stone floor radiating up through her entire body through the soles of her bare feet.
The law grad felt the guards grab her ankles, lift her and then lower her until her ass and her ankles were resting on something padded. Something also padded shut above the top of ankles as her manacles were undone and her wrists tied independently and then raised above her until the pull forced her to sit fully upright.
Then the blindfold came off. The law grad saw her ankles were locked in a pillory, her wrists bound and suspended above her...and one guard with a crop whip and the other guard with a flogger.
Ohhhh....NOOOOOOO!!!"
One guard set about mercilessly whipping the soles of the law grad's feet with the crop whip while the other guard did the same to the law grad's nipples with the flogger.
After several minutes of this, but without showing fatigue or relenting the pace of the whippings in any way, both guards asked the law grad "Now, do you want us to stop or just slow down?"
He said "Young lady, I see you passed your bar and I see that you are going to make a promising lawyer. Instead of sentencing you officially and giving you a record that will impede you ability to practice law, I will offer you non-judicial experimental punishment as an alternative."
"What does that entail?"
"I cannot tell you that. You must take it or leave it based on what I have just told you."
The law grad, a hot blonde in her mid-twenties pondered this for a moment. She did a risk-benefit analysis and concluded that the benefit of not having a record outweighed any risk involved, and she took up the judge on his offer of non-judicial experimental punishment.
She reported to the facility as ordered. She was told to strip by two burly female guards. She complied, knowing this was part of the drill. The guards then performed a search of each of her cavites. The law grad felt humiliated, but protested not because she knew this was part of the drill.
Then she was suddenly blindfolded and her hands were manacled behind her back before she could react. She began to shout and struggle against the guard's firm grips on her arms.
"Honey, you know the terms of your sentence. Any reports of 'unsatisfactory' from us and you got to jail with a record."
This quieted the law grad, who was marched blindfolded to another room, the cold of the stone floor radiating up through her entire body through the soles of her bare feet.
The law grad felt the guards grab her ankles, lift her and then lower her until her ass and her ankles were resting on something padded. Something also padded shut above the top of ankles as her manacles were undone and her wrists tied independently and then raised above her until the pull forced her to sit fully upright.
Then the blindfold came off. The law grad saw her ankles were locked in a pillory, her wrists bound and suspended above her...and one guard with a crop whip and the other guard with a flogger.
Ohhhh....NOOOOOOO!!!"
One guard set about mercilessly whipping the soles of the law grad's feet with the crop whip while the other guard did the same to the law grad's nipples with the flogger.
After several minutes of this, but without showing fatigue or relenting the pace of the whippings in any way, both guards asked the law grad "Now, do you want us to stop or just slow down?"
KvK
Tribune
A hot brunette in her forties was before a judge for sentencing for jaywalking.
"The good news," began the judge "is that I am sentencing you to crucifixion for forty-eight hours."
"That's the GOOD news ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! What's the BAD news?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
The bad news is that the county is short on money, which means the guards who are supposed to let you down after forty-eight hours have a few hundred other crucified women to let down in that time slot, all over a hundred-mile radius, and that there is hardly enough money to do maintenance, much less repairs and refueling on their forty year-old county vehicle."
"The good news," began the judge "is that I am sentencing you to crucifixion for forty-eight hours."
"That's the GOOD news ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! What's the BAD news?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
The bad news is that the county is short on money, which means the guards who are supposed to let you down after forty-eight hours have a few hundred other crucified women to let down in that time slot, all over a hundred-mile radius, and that there is hardly enough money to do maintenance, much less repairs and refueling on their forty year-old county vehicle."
KvK
Tribune
Certainly a wrenching photograph!