Kreuzgesänge

[malins]

This is a piece for German-speaking readers.
I am aware of the policy of this site towards languages, so I will seek to provide a translation in timely fashion

Angstklamm
Trag ich meine Last
die Schlucht hinauf

Furchtdurchdrungen,
Blick ich auf die Schädel-Stätte,
und dies schrecklich Zeug.

Schrei-bereit, offen steht der Mund
...muss erst dienen diesem strammen Glied!

Milchzart, liegt dargeboten meine Fessel
Auf dem Holze hart und gierig,

Blutbestirnt, zittert nun die fahle Haut
...nach des Hammers schwerem Hieb!

Kreuzerhöht
krümmt sich mein gequälter Leib,
Recht getan,
an diesem wertlos Weib,

Sinnberaubt,
seinsverneint,
in Schrecken soll ich fort

Herr und Meister
Sprich ein Wort,
Nur dies - weshalb?

"Weil's doch Du bist,
das soll reichen,
An Verrat,
Allenthalb!"
​

 

[messaline]

so I will seek to provide a translation in timely fashion

It will be "souhaitable" ...

 

[malins]

It will be "souhaitable" ...

An attempt to set to English.

Cold in sweat and fear,
I drag my burden
Up through terror's gorge

Steeped in dread,
I behold the place of skulls,
and the horrid tools

An outcry forming, mouth falls open round
… first must serve this rigid member!

As milk so tender, shines the offered wrist,*
Upon the hard and greedy wood

Spangled now with blood, shivering, my sallow skin,
… from the hammer's heavy blow!

Cross up high,
arches out my wretched flesh,

Justice done,
Upon this worthless one,

Bereft of sense,
Denied my being,
Cast in terror from this world

Lord and Master,
tell me once,
what reason?

„As you're still you,
that's enough
of treason,
Anytime!“

* properly, Fessel would here be "ankle"; but that is an atrocious arrhythmic swallow-word. so I took a monosyllabic "wrist"​

 

[Eulalia]

I posted an attempt at a translation in Deutsche Crux-Forum Member conversation thread
just the same time as you were posting this - but yours is obviously better!

 

[_CADRE_]

Spangled now with blood, shivering, my sallow skin,
… from the hammer's heavy blow!
​

Deep. Penetrating. Relentless. Pitiless. Painful. Amazing poetry, Malins. Am I wrong to guess that in your fantasy, you want to be nailed mercilessly to a cross as a helpless and innocent victim, while everyone else you've ever known looks at you??

 

[malins]

I posted an attempt at a translation

I didn't know you would be doing that. Sorry, it is a trap, as it is much of a word game, using sometimes ambiguous concatenations.

For example: the concatenation of "angst + klamm" can be read as an adjective, perhaps - "clammy with fear". However the same word can also be read as a noun, then it occurs to mean: "canyon of fear", or "gorge of terror". The formulation is such that it should be read as adjective, but as I put myself in the scene of "dragging up a canyon", the alternative meaning is supported. To translate it's necessary either decide, which to drop, or mention both explicitly.

 

[malins]

Amazing poetry, Malins.

Thank you much; but to a a good part it is also a word-game. Perhaps it comes out more serious in translation. The words just came up in my mind, and i could not resist the temptation of stirring in some real cliché

Am I wrong to guess that in your fantasy, you want to be nailed mercilessly to a cross as a helpless and innocent victim

I almost forgot why I am here in this place!

In serious words:

Nails - are more symbolic for me, I have a bit summarized my opinion here: [Nailing Stuff]

Helpless, yes!

Merciless, yes - at least without any expectation of mercy. If mercy is given, it is as a whim.

Innocent, means what?
I earn punishment not by petty crime against letters of law (that may appear as pretext) - more, I earn my punishment through my nature.

while everyone else you've ever known looks at you??

My fantasy more usually involves a private, intimate submission to the Master who looks right through me, and exorcizes my duplicity with his torments.

If we are talking about those kinds of fantasies, that sail close to the coast of Reality, and perhaps make landfall there: then it is a process of cleansing, and beneficial for both.
But if our ship of dreams steers far from terra firma, it will be a ritual of sacrifice.

Once I am helpless, being exposed in public, might be part of additional humiliations added. It can appear in my imagination. In fact I have a storyline where I attempt to "negotiate" to avoid the public exposure. Naturally, there is quite little that the cross-condemned have in hand, to bargain with...

 

[Thessela]

Oh Malins, my cross has no mercy!
Only suffering

 

[phlebas]

I bow to you, Malins and Thessela, and to your acceptance of the cross.
Malins, I love the way you write, and the way you think deeply and express your true hearts desires. For the cross, and also understanding your needs and desires and fantasies. I love the concept of sailing the seas of fantasy, sometimes close to the shore of reality, sometimes far into wild seas.
It is a continuum, fantasy, there are no borders, we may wander far or near to reality, we may encounter wonderful things and learn much about ourselves.
And if we are lucky we will return fed and nurtured and ready to face the winds of reality again. Our fantasy life a store of energy, a refuge from care. Always there.

 

[malins]

your acceptance of the cross.

Thank you phlebas for the kind comments.
In a mood to discuss,
reaching acceptance is indeed a key.
When my trusted one is applying pain to me, I will go through a step of resistance. That is where I strain, and twist. But there is a high plateau to reach, and that is acceptance. No longer attempting to avoid or deflect. Still loud, still crying, but well, there are such and such tears

I hesitate a bit, to use in the context of my real existence, the word "Master" because it reduces everything to such simple terms. I so need to be under his command in some aspects - in others I would not tolerate it!

my cross has no mercy! Only suffering

But as long as there is not just you and the cross... acceptance may sow the seed of mercy.

In a slave fantasy, giving your acceptance - expressing that, in all its cruelty, you accept the punishment as good and right, and fitting you exactly - might be just, what inspires the Master to recognize your value

In reality it may mean entering with trust into something you would otherwise fear.
This can start with such very simple things as being blindfolded, barefoot, and led to walk over you-know-not-what.

far into wild seas... there are no borders

A danger can reside in the lure of these wild seas.
In stories this is often shown with the idealized representation of characters, who discard their lives to acheive their fantasies (without in any way judging: I would mention the storylines of comic artist "marcus" and his death-desiring heroines)
In real life, it may sadly end with dismal tragedies in lonely rooms, especially when people reach too far in attempting their fantasy when alone. Disabling yourself in such a situation means, you are submitting to an object, that indeed has no mercy.
So it is also important, for those who venture far: Know when to sharply turn the rudder and head to safer shores.

 

[phlebas]

Malins, your words should be written in gold, I feel they are deep and important.

But as long as there is not just you and the cross... acceptance may sow the seed of mercy.

In a slave fantasy, giving your acceptance - expressing that, in all its cruelty, you accept the punishment as good and right, and fitting you exactly - might be just, what inspires the Master to recognize your value

In reality it may mean entering with trust into something you would otherwise fear.

Yes, I can see the beauty of this, of the give and take of a real life relationship. Giving yourself, and having that gift received with respect. Trusting, and going forward in that trust. Accepting that your punishment is fitting, and finding freedom in that punishment.

And being aware of the danger, of the ones who were swallowed up, who left the shore and didn't return. "submitting to an object, that indeed has no mercy." So true.
We have each other, and a common interest, and a fund of experience. Let us enjoy our fantasies, and our play, and value each other for what we share.

Now, sorry, but this is meant to be a German speaking thread ! I'd better leave!

 

[Eulalia]

In real life, it may sadly end with dismal tragedies in lonely rooms,

as friends here know, that's what happened to my Dad.

Do play carefully, don't take risks,
especially if you're playing alone.​

 

[malins]

Oh Eulalia, I am lacking the words. sorry!

 

[Wragg]

Oh, Eul, I'm sorry, too...

 

[phlebas]

as friends here know, that's what happened to my Dad.

Do play carefully, don't take risks,
especially if you're playing alone.​

That is awful, Eul. I'm so sorry. Yes, absolutely, do be careful on your own. Don't take risks! Play but play safe!

 

[Eulalia]

thanks, all three of you.

I've edited the slip-up in your earlier post Phlebas, so deleted the re-run in your last one.
I don't think it's a German-speaking thread, obviously Malins' first post is,
but now we know what it says, all are welcome