Limericks

[montycrusto]

Barb has no liking for beer,
It leaves her indifferent, I fear.
If you serve her real ale,
She’ll just frown and say “Fail!
Is there really no Riesling round here?”

 

[twonines]

We know Barb and her love for wine
And that is really just fine.
We also hear
She doesn't like beer,
That's okay, if she doesn't whine.

 

[twonines]

Barb's love for a certain grape
Was surely recorded on tape.
Its priority is high
And the reason why,
It follows closely on whipping and rape.

 

[montycrusto]

There’s only one drink Barb will jump
To guzzle down straight from the pump..
I cannot say what,
But she’ll swallow the lot,
If you paddle her tight little rump.

 

[twonines]

We are rapt in our fascination
For Barb's odd Riesling fixation.
When she's been stripped,
Had her tight little whipped,
Two glasses seem to be scant consolation.

 

[montycrusto]

To Barb, the pirates said: “Now,
You’ll be mounted atop the prow.
A fine figurehead
You will make,” the men said,
“As the ocean billows we plough!”

 

[twonines]

To Barb, the pirates said: “Now,
You’ll be mounted atop the prow.
A fine figurehead
You will make,” the men said,
“As the ocean billows we plough!”

That brings to mind (the Limerick not Barb) the old classic

It was on the good ship Venus,
By Gad you should have seen us.
The figurehead
Was a whore in bed,
And the masthead was a penis.

 

[montycrusto]

@old slave suffers cold in his toes
As gusty storm Arwen blows.
She wrecked his wisteria
Which caused no hysteria,
He shrugs and says “That’s how it goes”.

 

[montycrusto]

When Barb was in “Wuthering Heights”,
She found the place full of delights,
The wind from the moors
Rattled windows and doors,
And caused quite a few sleepless nights.

 

[twonines]

After a romp with the brooding Heathcliff,
Barb found her dress a bit skew-iff.
But in this tome,
She`d feel at home,
Faced with a member that was really quite stiff.

 

[twonines]

For Heathcliff, this was all very well,
Barb would slip out onto the fell.
He'd slip off her dress,
And with a gentle caress,
Cause her turgid nipples to swell.

 

[Loinclothslave]

For Heathcliff, this was all very well,
Barb would slip out onto the fell.
He'd slip off her dress,
And with a gentle caress,
Cause her turgid nipples to swell.

Hmm, what rhymes with “tumescent”? Asking for a friend…

 

[montycrusto]

Hmm, what rhymes with “tumescent”? Asking for a friend…

Barb’s nipples are always tumescent,
Ever since she was pubescent.
It’s one constant theme,
And her other, I deem,
Is complaining, which is incessant!

 

[montycrusto]

Picture by @phlebas

The Alderman said “Relax,
You’ll only get fifteen whacks.
My detailed research
Indicates that this birch
Will pleasure your rump to the max!”

 

[montycrusto]

The Brontë Sisters before us,
Are singing a dismal chorus.
Stay well out of view,
Or who knows what they’d do..
Oh no! The Brontës saurus!

 

[montycrusto]

A limerick’s rhythm is such
As requires a most sensitive touch.
With syllables, you
Should incline towards few,
And not stuff the last line too much.

 

[montycrusto]

Blackbarb was condemned to keel-haulin’,
An ordeal she found quite appallin’,
How long was she under?
I hear you all wonder..
As long as this verse what I’m scrawlin’.

 

[montycrusto]

Kept naked and chained in the brig,
They treated her worse than a pig,
With nothing to do
But “service” the crew,
Some of whose cocks were quite big.

 

[twonines]

Blackbarb had been forced to strip,
Then given a taste of the whip.
Alas, her fate
Wasn't too great,
She was passed twice under the ship.

 

[twonines]

The same brutal crew who stripped her,
Then went ahead and whipped her.
Hearts hard as steel,
As she went under the keel,
They laughed as the barnacles ripped her.