P
Pia
Guest
It’s Lisa. You remember me I think. Romy told you all about everything that happened in Germany. She told two stories didn’t she? In one my dreams came true. I entered a beautiful oblivion. In the other, the second, something different happened. They came to me and asked whether I really wanted it. I can’t begin to describe how I felt. My arms and legs and shoulders and hips were screaming in pain and my body was bloody. I stared at the man talking to me; he was just a shadow against the sun. My ears were ringing, my mouth was so dry; my breasts were heaving as I lay there on the sand gasping for air.
He whispered something. I could hardly understand. My vision was flying between crystal clarity and a rushing haze. My body was half-broken he said, one leg and one arm were dislocated. I tried to look, but I couldn’t move my head. I was thinking about Vivien and the girl and I wanted so much to look and see myself torn apart but I wasn’t. He said I could choose, but this was the last moment. If they carried on I would die. It would be slow and awful he said. He said I was young and I had done nearly everything. He said I should choose now. I tried to speak, but my lips just opened slightly then closed. I was trying so hard to think. I could hear him moving. He touched my shoulder and electricity flew through me and ripped my mind awake again. I raised my head a little and opened my mouth and my voice was so quiet. He placed his face next to mine. My breathing was shallow and quick. I tried again and spoke to him and told him that it was enough. That I was ready to stop now. And then my head fell back, I think, and everything was dark.
Romy’s told you the rest, how she looked after me and how I recovered and those days or was it weeks that we spent in Hamburg and how we wandered by the Alstersee and talked. And about the little dark bar near the old harbour when we sat together and I took the candle and touched her with the hot red liquid wax. And how she touched my face and my ear and how we kissed. She’s told you all that. And that was then, in the summer, and this is now and the trees by my window in my little house where my mother lives with my brother are plied double by the wind.
I’ll tell you everything that has happened since then I think. You may be bored with me, it’s true. But I like to talk to you and tell you about myself and so, well, I will.
He whispered something. I could hardly understand. My vision was flying between crystal clarity and a rushing haze. My body was half-broken he said, one leg and one arm were dislocated. I tried to look, but I couldn’t move my head. I was thinking about Vivien and the girl and I wanted so much to look and see myself torn apart but I wasn’t. He said I could choose, but this was the last moment. If they carried on I would die. It would be slow and awful he said. He said I was young and I had done nearly everything. He said I should choose now. I tried to speak, but my lips just opened slightly then closed. I was trying so hard to think. I could hear him moving. He touched my shoulder and electricity flew through me and ripped my mind awake again. I raised my head a little and opened my mouth and my voice was so quiet. He placed his face next to mine. My breathing was shallow and quick. I tried again and spoke to him and told him that it was enough. That I was ready to stop now. And then my head fell back, I think, and everything was dark.
Romy’s told you the rest, how she looked after me and how I recovered and those days or was it weeks that we spent in Hamburg and how we wandered by the Alstersee and talked. And about the little dark bar near the old harbour when we sat together and I took the candle and touched her with the hot red liquid wax. And how she touched my face and my ear and how we kissed. She’s told you all that. And that was then, in the summer, and this is now and the trees by my window in my little house where my mother lives with my brother are plied double by the wind.
I’ll tell you everything that has happened since then I think. You may be bored with me, it’s true. But I like to talk to you and tell you about myself and so, well, I will.