Adobe's Home

[Adobe]

Hello! Here I'd like to share an ongoing poetic interpretation of my life and observations. Some of this will be crux related, some will not. I'm developing a few threads in my head, and the first one posted here tonight will eventually bleed into a proper sensual crucifixion.

First Thread

You

ember

float

for far below

the war torn world

restless in its’ rages wore

the cape and crown of Ptolemy

even so long after his thoughts

circled the Sun and crashed

as comets on the shore.


Float

just be

just as ice

melts

when Ostara

warms her bed

you become the tides

everchanging and though

wandering, listen

low in the ether

there is a call

and response

wave crashing

wave rising

resonance

of life you are bound

to burn bright through

the heavens above welcome you

with endless black laced

open arms -

you’re to fall

to the gravity of this

pale blue dot.


If the setting Sun

would bend or break

your heart and your gaze

rest your eyes

a moon’s full depth

from all that lies ahead

as all things must pass.


You

ember

are not the flame at the end

of a match, gunshot, or torch

you are a part apart

a way away

from the maelstrom

in cacophony on Earth

risen from what’s destined

to rust.


And if the setting Sun

would bend or break

your heart or your gaze

rest your eyes

a moon’s full depth

from all that lies ahead

as all things must pass.

 

[Adobe]

Second Thread

I am in a new place now, living at the intersection of two diagonal streets that meet at a roundabout. It’s very fitting as I’ve been so open lately, exposing vulnerability, and enjoying the currents of life flowing around me. I’ve been mostly alone by some design, not pulling others in too closely, not forcing anything that won’t happen naturally. “Let it be,” shall be the whole of the law.


And there I am laying in bed just before daybreak, and an apparition occurs to me. That’s a friendly way to say I had a poltergeist come to visit. I woke from dream, but was still half asleep if that makes any sense. Now this thing occurs to me: this visitor wants to hurt me, or at least frighten me.


With either bravery or stupidity, the line being so thin between them, I sort of let it.


So imagine you’re in bed and you’ve been woken up. You’re alone. It’s mostly dark. You feel what can only be described as an invisible yet hostile weight on your chest. Then that thing gets inside you, or it otherwise controls you, and it pulls on your pointer and middle fingers of each hand. The pressure gets intense and it starts to feel as if your now bound fingers are going to break. You pull them away and in doing so your arms are now spread out as if on a cross.


That’s me recently. I woke up fully shortly after that. I had observed all the thing wanted to do to me, and it seemed content to leave it at that. I was told by a friend I should smudge my new apartment with sage. She even gave me some. I have yet to use it. Brave, or stupid.


Next visit occurs two weeks later. I am tired this early morning. It starts the same, some sense of weight over my chest. It feels as if a ghost has just flown up close to me. I wake up. I face it, and essentially block it from bothering me. I “stare it down” if that makes any sense. I was tired, I didn’t have time for games. I roll over and go back to sleep and kinky thoughts start to occur to me.


What if these ghosts know what I’m into?


What if they are trying to give me a chance at a sort os spectral crucifixion?


I start to feel a desire now for the ghost to come back, to painfully bind my arms outward and back, to make me ache with pain and lust and yet… I am too tired that morning. I try to sleep for a few more minutes.


As I drift off, a quick breath strikes the back of my neck.


Someone is watching me.


Someone knows.


And I’m some combination of cautiously optimistic I can handle this, and otherwise out of my element. Brave, or stupid, or both.


That was an entirely true story that I’m posting now which will lead to my next prose.


Yours truly,

- Adobe

 

[Eulalia]

Very mysterious Adobe - not like anything I've experienced -
(and sensing a heavy weight on my chest would certainly worry me!)
but it could herald a scary ghost story for Halloween?

One I wrote, though quite different from what you've described,
does imagine invisible, malevolent forces ...
http://www.cruxforums.com/xf/resources/single-ticket-to-vasos-a-ghost-story.249/

 

[malins]

So imagine you’re in bed and you’ve been woken up. You’re alone. It’s mostly dark. You feel what can only be described as an invisible yet hostile weight on your chest. Then that thing gets inside you, or it otherwise controls you, and it pulls ... The pressure gets intense

I know this quite well, I had some intense experiences almost exactly like that. Though it's quite some time ago that this happened. Sometimes accompanied by very vivid and extreme fantasies/lucid dreams, what would in the past perhaps been called visions, and a dreadful sense of death.

I figured out though that it's perhaps related to this,- the sense of immobilization, weight on the chest, and foreign presence is typical,

a transitional state between wakefulness and sleep, characterized by an inability to move muscles. It is often accompanied by terrifying hallucinations to which one is unable to react due to paralysis, and physical experiences (such as strong current running through the upper body). These hallucinations often involve a person or supernatural creature suffocating or terrifying the individual, accompanied by a feeling of pressure on one's chest and difficulty breathing. Another common hallucination type involves intruders (human or supernatural) entering one's room or lurking outside one's window, accompanied by a feeling of dread.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

not so uncommon, though I found with me it was also somewhat related to outside influences.

 

[Adobe]

I know this quite well, I had some intense experiences almost exactly like that. Though it's quite some time ago that this happened. Sometimes accompanied by very vivid and extreme fantasies/lucid dreams, what would in the past perhaps been called visions, and a dreadful sense of death.

I figured out though that it's perhaps related to this,- the sense of immobilization, weight on the chest, and foreign presence is typical,


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

not so uncommon, though I found with me it was also somewhat related to outside influences.

There is another world we inhabit, in dreams. It's more along the Jungian scope of the collective unconscious, but also some sublimely mysterious stuff that God knows what goes on when we close our eyes.

You could call me agnostic toward it all, a patient observer without judgement. Never sure of what I'm experiencing because I don't want to put labels on things and limit them by their designation.

Though the science of sleep paralysis is real, there is more than meets the microscope eye going on I think.

I appreciate your words and wish you some blissful lucid dreams.

 

[Adobe]

Very mysterious Adobe - not like anything I've experienced -
(and sensing a heavy weight on my chest would certainly worry me!)
but it could herald a scary ghost story for Halloween?

One I wrote, though quite different from what you've described,
does imagine invisible, malevolent forces ...
http://www.cruxforums.com/xf/resources/single-ticket-to-vasos-a-ghost-story.249/

Just good timing I guess! Yes I found it funny that this all started happening around Halloween.

One story you wrote about the ghost of the woman on the island, strapped to the bed and electrocuted - that story is forged in my memory. So good! I will check out...... I think it was Ticket to Vasos! haha

 

[malins]

Though the science of sleep paralysis is real, there is more than meets the microscope eye going on I think.

For sure there is, and I don't think "it's done" by looking at the statistics and science of it; the rationalist and scientific view will of course only reveal those aspects that are valid by its own rules and limitations, it's not what it 'is'. Though it sure helps to have different approaches to understanding it than those available say 500 years ago, where 'confessing' to such experiences might have gotten me into some trouble... Actually, one of my threads here tries to deal with the different perspectives on such an experience; though she's more somnambulant, the character also goes through some of the typical sensations (sense of a conscious presence of an 'Other', being pinned down, chest pain, sense of bodily intrusion, etc), her subjective experience of it is 'scientifically impossible' but still remains her experience; it could be interpreted as a 'soul journey' with assistance of otherworldly spirits; on the other extreme, there is an associate of hers who tries to explain everything in more rationalistic terms accessible to him. As he's effectively a war veteran with some PTSD, and knows she has some traumatic issues of their own to deal with, he sees it as 'wrestling with demons' in a psychological not literal sense, and interprets the signs appearing on her body as the result of self-harm - which again wouldn't be surprising for the character to engage in. And in a way all of these views aren't necessarily wrong or totally mutually exclusive. http://www.cruxforums.com/xf/threads/5113/page-10#post-255194

 

[Eulalia]

I know this quite well, I had some intense experiences almost exactly like that. Though it's quite some time ago that this happened. Sometimes accompanied by very vivid and extreme fantasies/lucid dreams, what would in the past perhaps been called visions, and a dreadful sense of death.

I figured out though that it's perhaps related to this,- the sense of immobilization, weight on the chest, and foreign presence is typical,


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

not so uncommon, though I found with me it was also somewhat related to outside influences.

That's very interesting, I'd never heard about that,
though it helps explain things other people have told me about their experiences,
and of course it makes sense of those paintings and sculptures of nightmares and incubi,
I hadn't grasped why they often involve a malicious creature sitting on the sufferer's chest, for example.

 

[Adobe]

For sure there is, and I don't think "it's done" by looking at the statistics and science of it; the rationalist and scientific view will of course only reveal those aspects that are valid by its own rules and limitations, it's not what it 'is'. Though it sure helps to have different approaches to understanding it than those available say 500 years ago, where 'confessing' to such experiences might have gotten me into some trouble... Actually, one of my threads here tries to deal with the different perspectives on such an experience; though she's more somnambulant, the character also goes through some of the typical sensations (sense of a conscious presence of an 'Other', being pinned down, chest pain, sense of bodily intrusion, etc), her subjective experience of it is 'scientifically impossible' but still remains her experience; it could be interpreted as a 'soul journey' with assistance of otherworldly spirits; on the other extreme, there is an associate of hers who tries to explain everything in more rationalistic terms accessible to him. As he's effectively a war veteran with some PTSD, and knows she has some traumatic issues of their own to deal with, he sees it as 'wrestling with demons' in a psychological not literal sense, and interprets the signs appearing on her body as the result of self-harm - which again wouldn't be surprising for the character to engage in. And in a way all of these views aren't necessarily wrong or totally mutually exclusive. http://www.cruxforums.com/xf/threads/5113/page-10#post-255194

Holy. There is so much poetry in your writing! Just went through a bunch of that. Will be back for more.

 

[Adobe]

Third Thread

It was a cold night. These white walls wept open doorways, phantoms in their shrouds. I remember how cold they seemed to me. As if they turned back somehow, letting all the cold air outside carry whispers in along with the prying eyes of passersby. Each one wearing judge’s robes surrounding me now in panopticon like those prisons Foucault spoke about.

Anxiety clung like a cross across my shoulders. I padded over to the thermostat and turned it up. The illusion might be some comfort. Not for one moment though, as just the sense of touch brought painful sensation to mind. A sudden spike through the hand!

I stepped back. My hand slowly turned concave to reveal my sweating palm. No iron nailed through it. No rush of blood to congeal and try to heal the wound.

Walking back to my seat, I could sense it: the crucifix just out of reach. It hung on the periphery. It was as if I was on the very edge of stigmata. Always expecting the hammer to fall, and the absence of its percussive judgments began to weigh on my mind.

Outside, cars were carrying the weightless numbers. To and from humble abodes destined to revel in All Hallow’s Eve. What kept me in? I wondered. Why should I be so fortunate to be so tortured?

The very impossible thought of those outside taking flight and drifting past these window shades and turncoat walls was stunning, and very arousing at the time. I have seen their spectacles a thousand times, what if once they were to see mine?

Soon all the rage of those thoughts burned down to the embers, and I left them smoldering in the carapace as I carried it on aching shoulders to bed.

There’s not a man alive who can tell you what it’s like.

…

As he slept soundlessly, we waited for all the world to quiet.

Listen, Legion, we must not match their furor. For without Judgement, we are to turn them over.

He walks on floorboards made of eons of wooden crosses. The footprints left, mere detectives would never know where their spikes would go.

These walls each shelter and stagnate the sacred desires for mea culpa, arms in the air, outstretched along them titulus written of their grievances.

With one swift breath upon his neck, mark him for crucifixion.

See the curtain rise, the quickening of ephemeral connection between body and mind.

He knows not where we wander, but we see him return from the land of dream. So close, yet so far away. Far enough to tease his bare chest wish whispers of whip marks. Falling on hard tumescent mounds, sculptures of our design.

Hands grip sheets. Feet kick air.

Walk down any side street, all roads run to his Golgotha eventually. We’ve just seen the sweat begin to drain like blood from the thieves, trembling with anticipation.

Holdfast, the task is to bind him and raise him before he wakes. Legion, gather all attention on each limb and stretch it until he quakes.

One by one wordless murmurs spill from his lips, as his demon does the rest. Place each nail point to the palm and hammer down to sever the rest that this man has endured for too long. Enjoy his pride as it hardens with each blow to his tender body, this is the key to the play this evening.

Now so close to waking, his legs bend and rest knees at ninety degrees. His full heart rushing into rapture, sending breath to help endure every torture, pin the nail on the arches and break the bones beneath the surface.

Open your eyes.

…

I’m terrified! Screaming at the top of my lungs as I hang naked in the air. Ascending in the middle of my room. Searing pain descends from every limb and I worry first, who will find me like this?

The pain. That is not my concern.

In the moment my mind wanders, I am violently shook as my body reaches a vertical horizon. I see through the dark my belly taking deep lungs full of breath. Tears start streaming down my face as I see horrible gnarled nails penetrate my feet and hands. With every effort to free myself, awful pain ignites as muscle and bone are torn like rag and twigs by the iron.

I can’t see the cross, but I know it’s there.

I hang like this, fully aroused, with no one to finish it.

...

Finish him.

 

[Adobe]

We have the power through forgiveness to return virgin white and dress virgin black.

 

[phlebas]

That's very interesting, I'd never heard about that,
though it helps explain things other people have told me about their experiences,
and of course it makes sense of those paintings and sculptures of nightmares and incubi,
I hadn't grasped why they often involve a malicious creature sitting on the sufferer's chest, for example.

Yes, the incubi and succubi, and some would say alien abduction and other horrors all have the same source.

Bloody hell! Between Malins and Adobe my head is swimming in poetry and wild imagination. The horror of the night. The cross sensed but not seen. Experience felt in the heart of our being.
Collective unconscious? Do we access, in the depths of our minds, some genetic memory of terror, and danger, and adrenaline fueled excitement?

I’m terrified! Screaming at the top of my lungs as I hang naked in the air. Ascending in the middle of my room. Searing pain descends from every limb and I worry first, who will find me like this?

It's like the experiences of some of the saints, a mystical experience, full of energy and passion.