My dear Friend,
In my last message to you I promised, that next which I will send to you will be with gift. Now I would like to tell you what very interesting happened (about my experience) regard crux fantasy of course.
I will start with the fact that it was an extraordinary experience, even very unusual - that's why I decide to write about it to you who is somebody so important to me.
As you also know, in the past I have tried several times in a safe way to realize my fantasies connected with cross - so I have some experience in this regard. The last two years, however, were empty in this theme; additionally as always, despite sincere intentions I could not find a company (partners, dominant lady or some groups of interested people) with whom I could properly stage such a game. So I decided to do it myself this summer, in the best possible way, unique, most satisfying, in some sense also symbolic. It was supposed to concern both the place and the way of implementation, also my mental attitude.
I chose the time of the current hot summer and my vacation, assuming that I could devote even a few (two, four) days to it. The most important thing at the beginning was to find the right place - which, contrary to appearances, was one of the most difficult things, and (also not easy) the right material for cross construction. Here logistical reasons were decisive. After all, I wanted the place and the cross to be as close to my imagination as possible, which is (I can only repeat) extremely difficult in the country where I live. You know very well that in my fantasies the “ action” happens always in empty and stony area, under hot sun of ancient world and so close to city walls somewhere in provinces of Rome. How to find something at least little similar? How to create something similar to execution area under Roman city?
In fact, I found this place a year earlier, quite accidentally wandering around these areas, but seeing them, already then in my imagination "sparked" in the direction you know. It was in a sufficiently secluded place (middle of the forest), had a hillock, it had a dusty road just below it, was spacious, dry and sandy, giving the impression of wasteland as in my story, which you know, which you once read. Now I came back there after a year, and my soul felt that special thrill again. And I found the right wood, pulled it to this place and ... I did it – I built the cross. Yes! … with great effort I worked this abandoned old wood and made it real cross of it – high, on which one could really lose a man. Maybe not perfect - as in the drawings, graphics presented on the forum, but in this conditions close to it for my mind. I have also prepared more elements so that a place resembling the place of execution under the Roman city could be created. It took me several hours to prepare these elements, in addition I did it without eating from the morning (I only drank water), wanting to give it some special meaning for my imagination.
After all, these elements were ready. And all other things are thought out, so that when it comes to realization, there are no shortcomings, forgotten or distracting elements. That everything would be realized without the slightest interruption caused by the lack of any part resulting from the order of action, from the imaginary plan.
I prepared separated “whipping-place”, with a short "pillar" (tree trunk) for this, I left additional accessories there, including a "whip" from a thick rope, titulus with ready description, and an appropriately heavy beam as patibulum, a container with water that I was supposed to be "revived" after "whipping". I chose the path I was supposed to follow (a sandy forest road that sometimes turns into a sharp stone gravel that could hurt feet painfully), long enough, not at all flat. I found also place, where I should await my “execution” - equivalent of a prison cell. And there were all the small elements like armbands protecting hands, candles, even a red dye, with which I rubbed the "whip" string to leave red stripes on the body. I thought about all the elements, arranged the accessories, and the script was step by step in my head. The last element of was remaining – preparing of “execution area”. The cross was earlier assembled, laying somewhere in dry bushes. And I must here write that the assembling of this cross was a special feeling, because I was building a real tool of execution, with awareness, with the thought hidden in the back of my head, that I build it for myself. But a kind of shock was finally his vertical positioning, in this selected place, at the end of the preparations ... because then, in the evening when I set it up, he standing so amidst the other, curving pillars of the "place of execution" was just awesome, frightening.
Yes - everything was planned, at the end I put this cross vertical, surrounded by other elements ... was like a real one, big, on a hillock, with the sun setting after a hot day. I was looking at this place simply in shock and with fascination.
I placed these wooden elements in the evening, finally, so that they were just waiting for the right realization of my fantasy, so that they were just ready like the rest of things and places. I did it at the end and in the evening to minimize the possibility that someone would accidentally walk along this deserted road and come across such a strange and unpleasant, maybe scandalous place. The dark photo attached was from that moment - dark because of the simply camera I was using, not suitable for evening shooting).
I decided to do this right, terrible realisation in the middle of the night, believing that I would not meet anyone then, that nobody would accidentally appear there. There at night, in the middle of a large, desolate wasteland. And it was a full moon night. To it would be brighter ... and for a special atmosphere of such time.
I returned to the house rented on the edge of this forest, three hours left to realisation. I had doubts, there was also fear, subconscious. I slowly prepared myself, took a bath – and finally I went on the road. After so many days of planning, after two days of fasting, I set off on a bicycle in a dark, deserted forest, illuminated at times by a large, full moon coming out from behind the clouds. The night was warm, quiet, but the emotions associated with the journey were not small, now and then I even trembled in excitement. Fortunately, this area was well known to me, there are no dangerous animals in these forests, neither small nor large.
In the end I got to the place - to the starting point. I left my bike, took the necessary things, went where it was to start. I was all alone in this special place in the middle of the night. It was quiet, mysteriously, unusually. I sat on the edge of the sandy escarpment and prepared my psyche for what was to happen. Maybe it was even some form of meditation, maybe prayers? I wanted that here in this area, among the villages and fields, and where normally the cross is associated only with the one seen in the church - now, though for the moment, a cross was set up as if it were a real, maybe even blasphemous, showing for everything and for everyone around a young, real man, condemned and stretched out on him to his death. And this preparation of my psyche was probably the most important thing - feeling in, getting into the role, imagining that I really am 26 now, that I am to be here in a moment to be lost. It was an amazing feeling, indescribable, like a change of consciousness. …It probably happened then, for this short moment. In the light of this moonlit night.
I carried out the whole process of "crucifixion", retaining what was to follow the set scenario as if in the back of my head - I was after all alone. I did it myself, but I wanted to feel it and at least in part I felt as if someone else was doing it. I imagined someone telling me to go, kneel, undress ... do all I did. That someone hit me hard with hand on the face, head, my body ... but that’s I did it myself with my own hand. I "whipped" myself with one hand tied to the trunk, and I beat myself really hard. I carried a heavy patibulum along the road, running at times, rushed by the guards in my imagination, with a head tied with a rope (as in my story), with a titulus attached to my hips, rubbing painfully against my genitals, half-intentionally and semi-consciously I fell with a beam tied to my shoulders, hearing the laughter of people watching me in my head, and then with the greatest effort I got up and walked on further. I was all dirty and sore - really. My body really hurt, feet cut on the sharp stones of the road, even for a moment, walking, I was crying, not knowing whether it was real or fake crying. With this all, without my will and willingness, my penis was very enlarged, because earlier I deliberately took a potency tablet, wanting to be humiliated in this way, to be seen this way by the imagined witnesses of my "execution". I was really very weakened by the fasting, by my emotions, I felt this all with myself, it was so real. Finally, I arrived at the place of execution prepared in the evening and I was looking at it as if I saw it first time, speechless, really trembling. I watched this terrible cross lit by moonlight. And I was hung on it ... and Everyone was looking at me ...
My excitement, arousal, fear, shame, in part the pain - it was all! ... close to how it really was - in emotions, in my psyche - although I also know well that in a real case it would be incomparably more and more terrible.
I did not hang long - just up to several minutes - after all that was I felt that I had to go down, because soon I would not have the strength to free myself. Then I lay on the sand under my cross, slowly regaining my control over my consciousness. I dressed previously hidden clothes, pulled out of the ground the cross and carried it between the bushes together with other elements - eliminating the image of this place. Finally, extremely exhausted, I started coming home. To the real world. There are no more than two hours until dawn.
My Friend – this what I described - it really was an very, very amazing experience for me.
Yours.
PS.
The dark photo attached was done at evening, after dusk, but it wasn’t night. I see that on this photo the place is more looking like at middle of the night, as I reached it in my “last walk”.
