wikk
Magistrate
***
I just recently finished my studies and was now a proud postgraduate student with the hope of working at the University. I taught my first courses as a young beginning teacher, struggling hard with my innate shyness. I was renting a small studio apartment in the city and I was even pleased with myself, I could say - proud. Well, coming from a small town, I had reached the first stage of what some call a chance for success. Or even a success - yes, especially in a small town like the one I am from.
Me - a rather quiet and unremarkable boy from the provinces, was now living in a big city, planning my next life there, I had a chance to make a career. And my relatives were, I believe, proud of this situation. I remember well those smiles and the words of my parents' neighbours praising me when they found out about my diploma on our street, and even the full approval of the statements of the old parish priest who congratulated me on my success and wished me good luck ...
*
The beginnings, of course, are always difficult. Perhaps I was too zealous and obedient to my new supervisor at work, I spent the afternoons at my desk full of bureaucratic tasks, only returning to my home, to this small and empty apartment in the evenings. The time was only for basic things - eat, prepare for work at next day… oh yes, every evening I managed to go for jogging, so that I kept me in good shape, but otherwise - there was not much time left. In addition, a large city, giving such an attractive feeling of anonymity, in my case supplemented it with uncomfortable loneliness and a sense of alienation. It is good that the time of the Internet made it easy to fill these gaps. Nevertheless, I knew that sooner or later it would have to be changed .. Yes, I have only recently been here in this situation, starting my first job and continuing my education! I was sure that with time everything would change in favour - after all, so many people around, so many great things in the modern world, so many great and beautiful girls, women ...
Women, girls! Doesn't everyone dream about them? Especially when it goes to such a place, a big city, where there are so many of them, so infinitely different, so attractive - it seems that the choice is endless. You're new here, they don't know your flaws, weaknesses, past stories yet. And to a young boy like me, almost everyone seems pretty, and you can fall in love with every other one. In addition, the next day you spot the next one when your heart is beating like crazy! It is even terrible - this possibility of choice, admiration, inability to decide. But it is even worse when you do not achieve success in this regard despite your great intentions ...
Yes, I really wanted to meet a girl - to meet and go out with her ... and oh, make love!
It didn't work - and I probably wasn't some "ugly". Probably everything was determined by shyness - I don't know. At times I was even desperate - in the evenings, in this small empty apartment, feeling lonely - satisfied with the images of "physical love" given on the Internet, and thus dreaming about it even more.
However, I met her - this girl. Or maybe I was met? I do not know? Was it a romantic love with a trembling heart, longing for a life and family together? I don't know either - probably not, it was something else that I didn't know, which I wasn't ready for.
Was I too naive, sincere?
... how she said, how well she dressed, often in dark colours ... and her figure, ... I dreamed and how I wanted her ...
She studied the history of painting and worked in a library. With her I felt like a student with a strict, beautiful teacher, although she was a bit younger than me ...
*
I met her in the library, for the first time and then another, and I wanted to come over there to see her.
Then I saw her in the museum and it allowed me to sit with her, we drank coffee in the bistro at the entrance where tickets were sold, then two or three more times. And I was able to go to the library knowing I could offer her a coffee, spend those few fleeting moments with her. Then she talked about art, about paintings, her green eyes pulled me in, I dreamed of touching her slender hand, in the evenings I dreamed about her body, I wanted so much to invite her to the cinema, to the park, for my first dream date ... and my shyness of her was probably until funny ...
It was she who suggested a meeting of us, she wanted to show me the museum, part with paintings. She finished her studies, the history of painting, and was working on her diploma thesis. It was amazing to be there, with her, to listen to her stories, to be able to tell endlessly about each of the greats whose works were exhibited here. Yes, it was the first unforgettable first time meeting, something more than a short coffee at work. Then there was the second time… and the third time. Then I ran away. I chickened out.
*
The second meeting (a date?) Was not as "official" as the first, quite the opposite. I gave her a flower, which she accepted with a smile penetrating my heart, we talked more loosely, I felt more at ease, I also asked what she was working on in her diploma thesis and she wanted to show it to me. Or maybe it was the other way around? Maybe she wanted to show me this work? … I do not know. I wanted to see what she was working on, and she showed me around the exhibition of Francisco Goya's paintings, showing me his graphics. It was a temporary exhibition, the works that came here were lent by another museum, such well-known works ... and there were also these horrors, terrible images of the war in Spain ... but it did not bother her, she spoke calmly about art, about graphics in painting about the history she knew so well ...
Right after that, we went to the park, to the river. How very sweet, cheerful and girlish she was, brightened in her shy smile, how different than before, beyond recognition ...
We were sitting on the grass when she asked if I would like to help her with her diploma thesis, that she needs a model, that I am fit. I wanted to, and her smile was enough encouragement and reward for me. But I was ashamed when she said what the matter was, yes, I was very embarrassed by that .. but I said: for you so beautiful .. I will do as you like ... Her smile, her lips sweet so close, I would like to kiss her, and not even her hands I was holding. She told me not to be ashamed, because she likes me, that being a model is nothing special, that it's normal in her field ... that I won't be the only one ... and that she likes me ... that I can always tell her that I don't want ... that it's nothing, nothing special ... that she understands my confusion well ... that I don't have to be ashamed of her ... that she likes me ... that I certainly fit this ... so kind she was, understanding .. and I wanted so much that she would be like that for me .. I wanted what she wishes, .. for her so beautiful ... I couldn't disagree ...
I couldn't disagree ...
*
