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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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For all new DIY homeowners

Tools - Not exactly as taught in High School

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.
 
connoisseurs said:
For all new DIY homeowners

Tools - Not exactly as taught in High School

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.
Click to expand...

Giggle snort :p
 
connoisseurs said:
There is a detail about Rapunzel that has never been mentioned
View attachment 675996
Superpowers - it´s not all roses
View attachment 675997
some cartoons
View attachment 675999View attachment 676001View attachment 676002View attachment 676004View attachment 676005View attachment 676006View attachment 676007View attachment 676008
Click to expand...
:duke:OMG so many very funny ones!
#1 Prince seems gay by his look at seeing her twat. #2 Happens to me so frequently. Women don't appreciate my super powers either! #7 It's so important to a business to answer the phone professionally! #8 Next time I play golf, I'll think of that and embarrass myself! #9 That's what my wife always said - then she'd stay up for three hours to be sure I'd fall asleep! #10 So funny, so true and so sexy!
 
One for the Roman enthusiasts here

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Gibbs505 said:
Microsoft vs. General Motors


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this
part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because! none of the controls would operate in the

same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Click to expand...


Another story along these lines:

When on a passenger flight the whole electronic equipment failed and the crew lost orientation the captain decided to fly low and navigate by landmarks. Alas, it was a foggy day and almost nothing to be seen.

Suddenly a huge building appeared. The captain started to circle, wrote on a sheet of paper "Where are we?" and displayed that on the window screen.

Eager action in the building, and shortly after a paper was shown saying "You are in the cockpit of an airplane".

The captain smiled, turned to a new handing, started the stopwatch and after a short time landed at the airfield appearing out of the mist.

The copilot was stunned. "How you did that?" he asked full of admiration.

"Well", said the captain.

"We had a serious problem, asked a question for help and got an answer which was correct, but totally useless. So I knew that must be the Microsoft-Building, and I knew direction and distance from this building to the airfield"
 
geolier said:
Another story along these lines:

When on a passenger flight the whole electronic equipment failed and the crew lost orientation the captain decided to fly low and navigate by landmarks. Alas, it was a foggy day and almost nothing to be seen.

Suddenly a huge building appeared. The captain started to circle, wrote on a sheet of paper "Where are we?" and displayed that on the window screen.

Eager action in the building, and shortly after a paper was shown saying "You are in the cockpit of an airplane".

The captain smiled, turned to a new handing, started the stopwatch and after a short time landed at the airfield appearing out of the mist.

The copilot was stunned. "How you did that?" he asked full of admiration.

"Well", said the captain.

"We had a serious problem, asked a question for help and got an answer which was correct, but totally useless. So I knew that must be the Microsoft-Building, and I knew direction and distance from this building to the airfield"
Click to expand...

Something comparable;;)

A man walks in the mountains, when suddenly a balloon approaches. The balloonist asks :
“Can you tell me where I am!? I am underway to a meeting and don’t know how to get there!?”
The man on the ground answers :
“You are in a balloon, hovering about two meters above the ground and driven that way in the direction of the wind!”
Angered, the balloonist asks :
“You must be a geologist!?”
“I am! How did you know?”
“Because,” the balloonist says, “you provide very accurate information, but it is totally useless! Because of that, I will miss my meeting!”
“You must be a manager!” the geologist replies.
“I am! How did you know?”
“You don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you are going to, you cannot make your targets, and yet, your very first concern is to find someone to blame for it all!”
 
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