Chapter 2: Is beauty only skin deep?
“You’re a bit disoriented,” said the man’s voice from somewhere near her right ear. “Don’t worry. Nothing will happen without your consent. That’s the whole point, isn’t it?”
She had no idea what he was talking about. As far as she could tell, she had not consented to anything. She certainly had not consented to being forced to drag a beam of wood up a hill, to be whipped and abused, to be stripped of all her clothing and her dignity, and then to have iron spikes hammered into her wrists and ankles, and left to hang on a cross in the hot sun. She hadn’t consented to being magically brought here to this place where the lights hurt her eyes and where she couldn’t feel her body. She couldn’t even make sense of it, never mind consent to it. She wanted to scream. Instead a tear rolled down her cheek.
She could feel the tear. That meant she had cheeks, a face, didn’t it? She knew she had eyes, because they were hurt by the lights. Actually, they felt a bit better now. She wanted to see. Maybe she could try opening her eyes a crack just to see if she was more used to the light.
She tried it. The light was dim, but it was still hard to take. It wasn’t as painful and she could feel herself getting used to it. It was hard to focus.
Something was hovering above her face. Part of it moved.
“I think the first step should be to try to get you a bit more hydrated,” said the something. It looked a bit like a face, now that she had some context. A face looking down at her.
“You need more water now that you’re out of your box. And I’ll try to explain things a bit so you know where you are.”
The face moved away slightly. She couldn’t move her head, but could see him out of the corner of her eye as he stood up straighter. Oddly, that brought him into clearer focus.
He looked sort of tall, she thought, but how could she tell. She was obviously in a lying down position. He was standing. That made him taller than her for now. If she was about two feet off the ground, like in a normal bed, that would make him about six feet tall, she thought.
He had dark hair, short on the back and sides, and longer on the top of his head. He also wore round wire-rimmed glasses that made him look both slightly awkward and friendly, she thought.
How did she know what they were? Romans did not wear glasses, nor did they wear tunic style jackets that fastened in front with a zipper.
Where was she? She was a Roman slave, wasn’t she? She was the slave of…
There was the problem. She remembered being crucified for her alleged crimes, but she had no memory of servitude, either to a master or a mistress. No slave quarters, no market errands, no recollection of slave life at all. Nothing before carrying the wooden beam up the hill.
The man came back to her side and looked down at her. He seemed to be a bit concerned, but not alarmed. She hoped that meant she was going to be okay. Why couldn’t she feel her body? She couldn’t even move her head to see her body.
She suddenly had a panicked thought – what if she had no body. She was a head, floating here, only able to cry a tear or two and nothing else.
The man seemed to see her alarm. “Please try to stay calm, “ he said. “You’ll be fine in a little while. It’s just that you’ve been in the box for a long time, and you’re not used to reality. I’m afraid you’ll find it quite dull outside here by comparison, but we’ll try to help with that. Now, I’m going to engage the hydration function, it’s a tube that will come to your mouth. I can’t touch you or do anything much, since I’m outside your bio-stasis field. If I tried, my hand would just go to sleep anyway.” He gave a small laugh, as though that was a funny thought.
She found the laugh somehow reassuring. Maybe he would help her after all. She saw a silver tube extending down from above her face. It seemed to know where her mouth was. The end of the tube touched her lips and a drop of water fell into her mouth.
There was an explosion of sensation, searing cold, a contrast of dryness in her mouth, a dryness like no other she had ever experienced, as if her mouth had never had water in it before. All her nerve endings on her tongue, her lips, her gums, seemed focused on that droplet of water. She could feel it sliding like quicksilver down her tongue. She wanted to swallow, but she couldn’t. The water would drown her. She panicked as her throat constricted. She would drown in one drop of water. She had to spit it out, the glorious, dangerous droplet. She wanted it, but she would die of it.
The man seemed to see her distress, or had some way of knowing, and she suddenly couldn’t feel her throat. It just seemed to fade away.
“You see?” he said, as if there was some point being made. “We have to do this slowly. You don’t know how to swallow. I’ve extended the field to include your throat now, so the water will sort of slide in. The machine can deal with swallowing for now, same as it’s managing your other functions. In a few minutes, you should be able to swallow on your own.”
She felt helpless. She wanted control over her own body, if she had one, and swallowing water suggested that the water was being swallowed to sustain something. She assumed she had a body. She felt good about that. It was a reassuring thought.
“There have been a lot of improvements in our bio-technology since you went into the box,” said the man with the glasses conversationally. “You wouldn’t have noticed, of course. We do upgrades pretty seamlessly. We used to have to induce stasis while we changed over, especially for hardware upgrades, but now we can usually just transfer to other systems while we upgrade. You never come off the box grid. You’re the first “pullout” I’ve done.”
“Mmmm?” she said.
“I should have told you my name,” said the man. “I’m James. James Caldwell. I’m a Senior Bio-technician – just a fancy way of saying that I know these machines and how they work with you when you’re in the box. Anyway, everything seems to be working, so you can relax. The machines even take care of regulating your menstrual cycles. Do you want to try talking now? I think your throat has remembered how things go. You’ve been swallowing on your own now for about 15 minutes.”
She suddenly became conscious of the feeling of water, still dripping into her mouth, but she was definitely swallowing it. It just felt like water now. She felt a sense of loss that she no longer had the ecstatic sensation of that first drop. So vibrant and glorious, as if it was more real than any water she had ever had. Now it was just water again – cool, refreshing, and soothing to what still seemed like a parched throat, but still common, everyday water.
“You could start with something simple,” said James, smiling at her. “You can tell me your name. Just try saying your name.”
She tried it. “I’m…” She stopped.
“Still too dry?” asked James.
She thought, trying to dig into her memories. She felt something was there, but she couldn’t access it. All she could remember was “bitch” and “whore”, and the feel of the Roman’s sandal grinding into her pubic mound. That was no help. She had no name. She felt lost and worthless. The tears started again.
“No, no, no,” said James, “please, don’t cry. What’s the matter?”
“I,” she gasped through a suppressed sob, “I can’t remember my name. I can’t feel my body. Everything I remember before this place is horrible. I’m nothing, nobody. I’m just a condemned slave, and I have no name.”
James looked miserable and a bit shocked, as if that was the last thing he expected to hear. He looked at her sympathetically as she cried.
“You really can’t remember your name?” he asked.
“No,” she said. “I really tried. It’s like there should be a name in my memory, but it’s like I’m not allowed to see that memory.”
“What do you remember?” he asked.
“Only walking up the hill, carrying the heavy beam of wood and then…” she stopped, not wanting to relive the horror again.
“Why were you carrying a beam of wood?” James asked. “Were you building something?”
“No,” she sighed. “It was so they could nail me to it.”
“What? Who was going to nail you to a piece of wood? That’s not in any of our programs.”
“They nailed me to the beam, and then let me hang there. I would have died there if you hadn’t taken me out of the box.”
“That shouldn’t happen,” James said finally. “You must have some memories. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that your memories were wiped, but it’s not procedure. And I’ve never heard of someone doing a crucifixion plot in any box. Our standard is more real than reality, so crucifixion would be appallingly terrible. Something is strange here.”
“Tell me about it,” she said. “It’s the worst thing that I’ve ever experienced. Are you saying it wasn’t real?”
“Do you remember going into the box?”
“I don’t even know what a box is. I have only horrible memories. I can’t move. I can’t even tell if I really have a body. I remember what glasses are,” she said.
“What?”
“I know I must be more than just a slave,” she said, “because I remember things like glasses, and words like bio-technology. So there must be memories somewhere in my mind.”
“I suppose so…”
“James,” she said, “do I have a body?” she asked. She waited.
“Um,” said James. “You have a body,” he said, “but it’s not quite what you might expect it to be. You’ve been in the box a long time.”
“I want to see,” she said.
“I don’t think that would be a good idea right now,” said James. “Just trust me, please. You have a body, but we have to keep it in bio-stasis for a while.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Look, your physical body isn’t even important. It’s a shell for your consciousness. We keep it going in a sort of hibernation state and you live your life in the box, doing whatever you want. More real than reality, remember. You would need a lot of physical rehabilitation before you can use your body again,” said James. “Since the plan is to get you back into your box as soon as we can, there isn’t any point in making all that effort.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked. “It’s my body. Why is there no point in rehabilitating it? Was I in an accident. Did the Romans damage me so now I’m paralyzed?”
“The Romans?” James asked, feeling like he had missed a step in the conversation.
“When they nailed me to that wood thing.”
“No,” said James. “Any Romans you met in the box couldn’t harm your body here. I’m not sure they could even kill you in the box. They shouldn’t be able to.”
“They didn’t seem to have any worries about that rule,” she said. “They just kicked me, and beat me and hammered nails into me. If that’s what happens in the box, I don’t want it anymore.”
“Like a crucifixion,” said James.
“I don’t know what…” she said.
“The Romans used to hang slaves and prisoners on crosses until they died as a punishment. It's called crucifixion. It’s part of old religious stories my mother told me. You’re saying you didn’t choose that scenario?” James asked.
“Why would I choose that?” she asked. “Anyway, I can’t remember my past, remember? I can’t tell you what I requested. As far as I know, all of this happened without any input from me.”
“Well, we’ll have to look into that as well,” said James. “Anyway, we don’t produce fantasies like that, so I really want to know where it came from.”
“That wasn’t a fantasy,” she said. “That was hell. I want my real body back.”
“Your body has gone through a lot of muscle atrophy, over the time you were in the box, “ said James.
“Is that why I can’t move?” she asked.
“Your body wouldn’t be able to handle the strain, even of gravity. We had one “pullout” who had only been in a few years, and we had to take him out for some reason. He tried to get up and just dropped dead of a heart attack. His muscles and heart couldn’t take it. If you’re going to stay out, you need a lot of physiotherapy before you can even sit up.”
“How long have I been in the box?” she asked quietly.
“It’s really not a good idea,” said James.
“James!”
“Okay, a long time. A really long time,” he said.
“I want to know what I’m in for,” she said. “I want to see my body.”
“Oh, alright. But it’s not something you’re going to like,” he said. “I’ll get a mirror.”
He returned a minute or two later with a long wall mirror.
“Before I do this, which I think is a really bad idea, I want you to remember that whatever you see is not permanent, and that it can be remedied with nutrients and physio, okay? If you stay out of the box, you can make a full physical recovery.”
“It’s got to be better than being nailed to something,” she said.
“Maybe,” said James. “Anyway here you are.” He held the mirror so she could look at her full length reflection.
She looked at the emaciated thing in the reflection, the dry skin, tight over the skeleton, and the bony feet that seemed to be too big. Her body had flat collapsed breasts like empty bags, and seemed to be mostly ribs in the chest area. Large dark eyes stared at her from a mummy skull, grayish skin taut over cheekbones, with stringy brown hair. That couldn’t be her, she thought, and licked her lips. The monster licked its lips at the same time.
She screamed, a long howl of despair, humiliation and pain. The “thing” in the reflection opened its mouth, parodying her scream – a rictus of an animated mummy in agony.
She screamed again. Then she started sobbing.
“I knew this was a bad idea,” said James, jumping to his console. He picked up a control tablet and made a few changes, fingers dancing over the screen. All movement stopped abruptly, as did the screaming.
She was on the shore of a turquoise lagoon. A fish leapt out of the water and arched back down in a perfect dive. There was an umbrella and a colourful striped towel on the beach. Behind her, across pristine white sand, was a thatched roof beach house with a veranda. She looked down at her body – not the mummy-monstrosity of James’ room, but slim, tanned, and well-toned, about 25 years old. Somehow she knew she was 25 years old. She was wearing a green bikini, her favourite colour. She remembered her favourite colour. That was something, wasn’t it?
Had she always been here? Was the monster in the dark room really her, or was this her and that was a dream? Why was she on a beach? She walked back to the beach house and up the stairs to the veranda. There was a card on a wicker table – the sort of welcome card that hotels put out to let you know where the fire exits are. She picked it up. It read:
“Miss,
I put you back into a temporary box, while we sort out what happened to you. It's sort of a small maintenance box where you can have a holiday while we sort out your future. It will be more pleasant than "reality" for the moment. I will start your physio so that when you come back out, your body will be more rejuvenated. In the meantime, if you need anything, please just use the phone in the beach house. It will allow you to select new options. Crucifixion is not one of them. I hope you like the beach. Take the time to rest and consider your options. You should be safe – this box is a stand-alone unit, and is not linked to the main systems. I’ll personally monitor you while you’re in there. Try to relax and enjoy yourself. I’ll be back in touch soon.
James.”
The wood of the floor felt real. The sand between her toes seemed real. The sun was bright, and there was a scent of tropical flowers, mixed with the smell of the ocean. Somewhere a bird sang. She was happier being a young healthy woman than imagining herself as an emaciated museum piece. If she stayed right here, she thought, it could be real, for now.
If only she could remember her name.
To be continued…