Episode 37.
I hang listlessly, unable to summon the strength necessary to raise myself again. The many long hours baking in the sun combined with the continuous struggle to raise myself ... performing over and over again my unavoidably humiliating, lewd, crowd-pleasing "dance" ... has sapped the very last of my reserves.
I am simply unable to go on. The fatigue and pain are just too much. My weary head droops forward, sweat-drenched hair half-covering my face. Slowly my chin comes to rest on my chest. My breathing is shallow. My knees swing out, exposing my open womanhood for all to see, my ravaged back and arse grate painfully against the hard upright as I slide down for the final time to a full hanging position
The crowd still watches, but as I listen I am struck by a deadly silence. The jeers and insults, the raucous laughter, can no longer be heard. The carnival atmosphere has become more of a vigil. They wait and they watch me suffer, no longer with malice in their hearts but almost now with a palpable reverence.
The Abbot and his men have ceased to gloat. A hateful mask of anger and resentment, and perhaps even a bit of fear, passes over Arnaud's face.
Through slitted eyes I watch as he looks to the quieted crowd, then to me, then back to the crowd again. He is flustered. This is not the ending he had planned. He has succeeded not in making a mockery of me and my heresy. He has instead made me a martyr!
With much effort I raise my head, open my eyes and look directly to de Flebas. I am saddened to know that he and I will never, as I had dreamed, lead an armed host against Arnaud to proclaim the righteousness of our true faith and avenge the terrible sack of Beziers.
But our eyes meet. I both forgive and am reassured. He knows. He understands. He will do what I now most urgently need him to do. He will finish this. I close my eyes and wait for him to act.