• Sign up or login, and you'll have full access to opportunities of forum.

Vignettes from Barb’s ancestral past

Go to CruxDreams.com
2. Waterloo

One of the most famous battles in European history was the Battle of Waterloo, fought on 18 June 1815. On that bloody day Napoleon was defeated by the coalition forces led by the Duke of Wellington and General Blücher. It was a particularly hard fought battle with many thousands of casualties on both sides. In the aftermath Wellington said Waterloo was 'the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life',

The reasons for the French defeat are many, but one aspect that historians have often pointed to is that Napoleon was often absent from the battlefield when his characteristic strategic ability might have made a crucial difference. The official explanation was that Napoleon was suffering with terrible hemorrhoids, which prevented him from staying in the saddle all day.

Is that really why, or just an excuse? Well, that’s where one of my ancestors, a young camp follower with the British Army, known as Mary Moore, played a crucial role. Mary was one of those rare beauties, endowed with a tight little so enticing that she invariably attracted the attentions of the most powerful of men.

She had been a camp follower with the British army’s baggage train for only a few days before she found herself presented to Wellington In the privacy of his tent, where she was ordered to perform various services for the Duke, none of which involved swallowing, which she firmly resisted assent even for royalty, no less a mere Duke, but did require removing all of her clothing.

Soon afterward, as she knelt nakedly at his feet, licking his boots clean while he casually whipped her tight little with his riding crop, a brilliant piece of military strategy came to his mind.

Two days later, on the eve of the battle, Mary found herself in the French camp. She presented herself as a camp follower with the British Army, who possessed military intelligence of great potential if only she could convey it personally and in confidence to the great Bonaparte. It had been raining heavily that night. She was drenched and in the glow of the lantern held by the French officer who received her, she looked most alluring with her clothing plastered tightly to her body.

Well, the rest is history. Mary Moore was taken directly to Napoleon’s tent where she shed her clothes and gave her all for the British cause, including chomping down very hard on that puny little “thing” he rammed into her mouth.

5B9800E7-34D7-439C-8067-8E93A354F207.jpeg

So was it hemorrhoids that kept Napoleon in his tent for crucial periods during the great battle the next day? Or was he nursing something else?


As for Mary, he ordered her whipped and hanged.
 
Last edited:
This one goes WAY back

Adam Goldman stretched out his arm to stroke the delectable left breast of the delectable Eve Moore. Sometimes he missed that rib, but at the moment, not so much. The Big Guy had been right about him needing some companionship and Eve fit that bill rather well. Last night, she had done that special thing (hey it's paradise, right and it wouldn't be paradise without an occasional blow job, would it?) and it had been good. No begatting from that either, though maybe later, who knows?

But right now he was hungry. "Say, Eve, how about a little breakfast? Whaddaya got? Maybe a bagel with some nice smoked salmon? Some manna from heaven?"

Eve stirred. "Sorry, Goldman. We're all out of smoked salmon and the Eden Deli doesn't open until later. As far manna, we've had that every day for the last six months. I'm sick of manna."

There was a rustling sound as a serpent slithered over to the bed of fragrant petals that had fallen from the tree under which they had slept. "You could make him a nice apple pie," he hissed.

"Yeah, Goldman, that would be nice wouldn't it? A little cinnamon, some cloves and nutmeg. That would get the bad taste out of my mouth."

"What bad taste, Moore? That's the future of humanity you're talking about. But you know very well that the Big Guy said no apples."

"You could sneak one while the Big Guy is busy with that supernova over in the Andromeda nebula. What he doesn't know, won't hurt him," the snake hissed.

"You shut up!" Adam said.

"It's tempting," Eve said. "He can't be everywhere at once, can he? Come on Goldman, can't you smell that pie baking? Live a little!"

"I dunno, Moore, this sounds like a bad idea."

"What if while the pie is baking, we, you know..."

"I see trouble coming," Adam said, but before he could stop her, she had reached up and grabbed a big, fat, juicy apple off the tree.

Suddenly a booming voice rang out. "I saw that, Moore!" the Big Guy said. "You remember I strictly forbade you to pick any of those apples."

"But...but..he said it was OK!" Eve protested, pointing at the serpent.

"Who's the Boss here, him or Me?" the voice asked.

"Well, technically, that would be Bruce Springsteen," Adam replied, "But I see your point. Eve really screwed up this time, didn't she?"

"Big time!" the Big Guy replied. "You guys are going to have to hit the road, I'm afraid. Out of here, on the double!"

"Listen," Adam replied. "That seems a little harsh. We got nowhere else to go. Why don't you let me take care of this?"

"How?" the Big Guy asked.

"Well, she does have a very nice tight little," Adam replied.

"And?"

"I could, you know, apply some punishment to it, if you get my drift. And you could watch, of course."

"Hmm...that sounds interesting. I suppose she would wriggle and squirm and shriek and moan, wouldn't she?"

"Oh, I'll guarantee that," Adam replied.

"OK, it's a deal. We'll give you guys another chance provided you punish her really well."

Adam turned to Eve. "You heard the man, Moore. Well, he's not actually a man, but you know what I mean. So go cut me a nice supple willow branch and get that tight little over that log." Eve slunk away muttering something about why her tight little had to be whipped rather than the serpent's, but she had to admit that the serpent didn't really have a tight little...
There's no getting out of it. Eve was definitely a direct ancestor of Barb. Guilty as charged. :p
 
Is that a reference to the ongoing CruxForums bash over at the Red Lion? :confused:
No, that's an episode of "Barb and the no-deal Brexit'.
There were reports that the Captain had been drinking heavily in the first class salon that night, as he often did, and that he had disappeared from there, presumably to his quarters, just prior to the moment of disaster. We’ll never know for sure what he was doing in his cabin at that critical moment because he went down with his ship.

Oddly though, when rescued by the RMS Carpathia the next day, Great Great Aunt Agnes was said to have been found afloat, totally naked and bound spreadeagled on what was believed to have been the Captain’s cabin bed ... a fact that never came to light, though, in any official sense as it was quickly suppressed by solicitors in the service of the White Star Line.
There are different versions of what happened that night.

According to my great-great uncle Manfred Loxuru, who was on Titanic too, there were rumours of bondage play on the bridge, with a naked woman tied on the steering wheel, just before the collision with the iceberg took place.

Just after the collison, he had heard one of the officers say : "Blimey! Tie her quickly to the captain's bed and let him solve the problem!"

My great-great uncle stated that the captain has retired to his cabin for a while after he had heard that his ship was doomed.

However, since my great-great uncle was a German, and the Great War broke out some two years later, his testimony has been ignored.
 
2. Waterloo

One of the most famous battles in European history was the Battle of Waterloo, fought on 18 June 1815. On that bloody day Napoleon was defeated by the coalition forces led by Duke of Wellington and General Blücher. It was a particularly hard fought battle with many thousands of casualties on both sides. In the aftermath Wellington said Waterloo was 'the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life',

The reasons for the French defeat are many, but one aspect that historians have often pointed out is that Napoleon was often absent from the battlefield when his characteristics strategic ability might have made a crucial difference. The official explanation was that Napoleon was suffering with terrible hemorrhoids, which prevented him from staying in the saddle all day.

Is that really why, or just an excuse? Well, that’s where one of my ancestors, a young camp follower with the British Army, known as Mary Moore, played a crucial role. Mary was one of those rare beauties, endowed with a tight little so enticing that she invariably attracted the attentions of the most powerful of men.

She had been a camp follower with the British army’s baggage train for only a few days before she found herself presented to Wellington I’m the privacy of his tent, where she was ordered to perform various services for the Duke, none of which involved swallowing, which she firmly resisted assent even from royalty, no less a mere Duke, but did require removing all of her clothing.

Soon afterward, as she knelt nakedly at his feet, licking his boots clean while he casually whipped her tight little with his riding crop, a brilliant piece of military strategy came to his mind.

Two days later, on the eve of the battle, Mary found herself in the French camp. She presented herself as a camp follower with the British Army, who possessed military intelligence of great potential if only she could convey it personally and in confidence to the great Bonaparte. It had been raining heavily that night. She was drenched and in the glow of the lanterns held by the French officer who received her, she looked most alluring with her clothing plastered tightly to her body.

Well, the rest is history. Mary Moore was taken directly to Napoleon’s tent where she shed her clothes and gave her all for the British cause, including chomping down very hard on that puny little “thing” he rammed into her mouth.

So was it hemorrhoids that kept Napoleon in his tent for crucial periods during the great battle the next day? Or was he nursing something else?


As for Mary, he ordered her whipped and hanged.
You should have heard what Josephine had to say about it. Now we know why he told her 'Not tonight' :rolleyes:
 
You should have heard what Josephine had to say about it. Now we know why he told her 'Not tonight' :rolleyes:
Come on folks, what is wrong here!? What happened to CF's legendary historical accuracy?:facepalm:

Josephine de Beauharnais had already died more than a year before Waterloo, and Napoleon was married since 1810 to Marie-Louise of Austria!:doh:

That party in The Red Lion is really disarrangeing the spirits!:borra2:
 
There seems to be some understandable confusion between the tragic events from which Great Aunt Agnes was the fortunate survivor, and one that had occurred a couple of years previously. That was a different disaster. The one Barbaria is telling us of was the little-known not-quite-maiden voyage in 1914 of the Cunard Liner Titanic II.

Unfortunately, Barb's great aunt had, by playing about with the switches of Cruxton Abbey's newly-installed system of electrical lighting, caused the entire system of marine telegraphs to fuse (the Great Crash of Summer 1913) Morse code communication throughout the planet was still erratic when Titanic II set sail, so much so that an important message from the Ambassador of the Austro-Hungarian Empire on board the liner failed to reach Archduke Franz Ferdinand, who consequently took an ill-advised drive through Sarajevo so his supporters could see he was in good spirits. The subsequent fate of the great vessel is shrouded in mystery, but Great Aunt Agnes Moore being the sole survivor, thanks to the curious good fortune of being bound naked to a buoyant bed, may reveal something of the dark secret that has been concealed in the chanceries of Europe for the past century and more ...
 
There seems to be some understandable confusion between the tragic events from which Great Aunt Agnes was the fortunate survivor, and one that had occurred a couple of years previously. That was a different disaster. The one Barbaria is telling us of was the little-known not-quite-maiden voyage in 1914 of the Cunard Liner Titanic II.

Giggle snort. A pricelessly clever correction to my earlier mistake of dating the Titanic disaster wrongly, and much Moore enjoyable than being crucified for my blunder,
 
2. Waterloo

One of the most famous battles in European history was the Battle of Waterloo, fought on 18 June 1815. On that bloody day Napoleon was defeated by the coalition forces led by the Duke of Wellington and General Blücher. It was a particularly hard fought battle with many thousands of casualties on both sides. In the aftermath Wellington said Waterloo was 'the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life',
This story is confirmed by an independent source!:icon_writing:

Technically, the ‘real winner’ of the Battle of Waterloo was Count von Gneisenau, chief of staff of Field Marshall Blücher. When Blücher was disabled in the Battle of Ligny, two days before Waterloo, he took over command and rallied the Prussian Army, although defeated at Ligny, towards the British Army near Waterloo.

Using the organization skills once introduced by Napoleon, he managed to arrive first at Waterloo, before Grouchy’s army, despite the latter having been the victor at Ligny. Of course, chiefs of staff never get the credits, but their nominal commander.

Anyway, according to a far ancestor of mine, Count Reinhardt von Loxuru und Kreuzdorf, who was also a member of Blücher’s staff, spies had informed them about a certain Mary Moore, a camp follower with a ‘festes kleines’, pleasuring both Wellington and Napoleon. Both Blücher and Gneisenau also wanted their ‘share’ of Miss Moore, and therefore had hurried their army to Waterloo, what explains why they arrived first.
 
2. Waterloo
Well, the rest is history. Mary Moore was taken directly to Napoleon’s tent where she shed her clothes and gave her all for the British cause, including chomping down very hard on that puny little “thing” he rammed into her mouth.
Madiosi-2020-086-Barb Waterloo.jpg
So was it hemorrhoids that kept Napoleon in his tent for crucial periods during the great battle the next day? Or was he nursing something else?

As for Mary, he ordered her whipped and hanged.
Madiosi-2020-086-Barb Waterloo.jpg
 
One of the most famous battles in European history was the Battle of Waterloo, fought on 18 June 1815.
Are you sure about that, Moore?

The official explanation was that Napoleon was suffering with terrible hemorrhoids, which prevented him from staying in the saddle all day.
Those are a pain in the ass. You know about pain in the ass, but from a different cause...
 
2. Waterloo

One of the most famous battles in European history was the Battle of Waterloo, fought on 18 June 1815. On that bloody day Napoleon was defeated by the coalition forces led by the Duke of Wellington and General Blücher. It was a particularly hard fought battle with many thousands of casualties on both sides. In the aftermath Wellington said Waterloo was 'the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life',

The reasons for the French defeat are many, but one aspect that historians have often pointed to is that Napoleon was often absent from the battlefield when his characteristics strategic ability might have made a crucial difference. The official explanation was that Napoleon was suffering with terrible hemorrhoids, which prevented him from staying in the saddle all day.

Is that really why, or just an excuse? Well, that’s where one of my ancestors, a young camp follower with the British Army, known as Mary Moore, played a crucial role. Mary was one of those rare beauties, endowed with a tight little so enticing that she invariably attracted the attentions of the most powerful of men.

She had been a camp follower with the British army’s baggage train for only a few days before she found herself presented to Wellington In the privacy of his tent, where she was ordered to perform various services for the Duke, none of which involved swallowing, which she firmly resisted assent even for royalty, no less a mere Duke, but did require removing all of her clothing.

Soon afterward, as she knelt nakedly at his feet, licking his boots clean while he casually whipped her tight little with his riding crop, a brilliant piece of military strategy came to his mind.

Two days later, on the eve of the battle, Mary found herself in the French camp. She presented herself as a camp follower with the British Army, who possessed military intelligence of great potential if only she could convey it personally and in confidence to the great Bonaparte. It had been raining heavily that night. She was drenched and in the glow of the lanterns held by the French officer who received her, she looked most alluring with her clothing plastered tightly to her body.

Well, the rest is history. Mary Moore was taken directly to Napoleon’s tent where she shed her clothes and gave her all for the British cause, including chomping down very hard on that puny little “thing” he rammed into her mouth.

View attachment 909524

So was it hemorrhoids that kept Napoleon in his tent for crucial periods during the great battle the next day? Or was he nursing something else?


As for Mary, he ordered her whipped and hanged.
So now we know that when old Nappy said "Not tonight Josephine ..." It was really because he was already adequately satiated ... :)
 
This story is confirmed by an independent source!:icon_writing:

Technically, the ‘real winner’ of the Battle of Waterloo was Count von Gneisenau, chief of staff of Field Marshall Blücher. When Blücher was disabled in the Battle of Ligny, two days before Waterloo, he took over command and rallied the Prussian Army, although defeated at Ligny, towards the British Army near Waterloo.

Using the organization skills once introduced by Napoleon, he managed to arrive first at Waterloo, before Grouchy’s army, despite the latter having been the victor at Ligny. Of course, chiefs of staff never get the credits, but their nominal commander.

Anyway, according to a far ancestor of mine, Count Reinhardt von Loxuru und Kreuzdorf, who was also a member of Blücher’s staff, spies had informed them about a certain Mary Moore, a camp follower with a ‘festes kleines’, pleasuring both Wellington and Napoleon. Both Blücher and Gneisenau also wanted their ‘share’ of Miss Moore, and therefore had hurried their army to Waterloo, what explains why they arrived first.
They obviously arrived in time to prevent the hanging, but not the inevitable whipping!
 
Back
Top Bottom