Now This Just Isn't Funny

[Jollyrei]

Most of Ken Dodd's jokes (died today in Knotty Ash)
only sounded funny because of the way he told them,
but here's one that bears repeating:
"At school I was the teacher's pet.
I was kept in a cage at the back of the classroom."

Which cage?
View attachment 567680View attachment 567681View attachment 567682View attachment 567683View attachment 567684

Looking at those pictures, Ken doesn't look at all like what I expected.

 

[old slave]

 

[Wragg]

Most of Ken Dodd's jokes (died today in Knotty Ash)
only sounded funny because of the way he told them,
but here's one that bears repeating:
"At school I was the teacher's pet.
I was kept in a cage at the back of the classroom."

Here's a slightly risky one of Doddy's jokes..

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

 

[old slave]

Here's a slightly risky one of Doddy's jokes..

You're all right, Wragg, blondes won't understand it!

 

[RacingRodent]

You're all right, Wragg, blondes won't understand it!

Well I think Wragg is safe now, Siss is more likely to wreak her vengeance on the Old Slave instead

 

[Eulalia]

Here's a slightly risky one of Doddy's jokes..

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

An answer to that from The Now Show on BBC R4 last week,
when they ask the audience to contribute -

"When has technology turned against you?"
"My dishwasher - 5'9", bearded, male - doesn't work"

 

[Wragg]

An answer to that from The Now Show on BBC R4 last week,
when they ask the audience to contribute -

"When has technology turned against you?"
"My dishwasher - 5'9", bearded, male - doesn't work"

I'd better keep my head down....



Or Eul will come out with worse!

 

[old slave]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Angry at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."

“Rubbish”, replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed, when he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

 

[Loxuru]

There is variation on this!

Alien lands near a deserted gas station. He approaches one of the pumps and says :
"I come in peace! Bring me to your leader, please!"
Getting no answer, the alien repeats his question. Still no answer. The alien asks the question for the third time.
The alien still gets no answer and gets annoyed.
"Can you at last take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!"

 

[Apostate]

Another take on aliens. Not a First Contact, though.

 

[Eulalia]

Another take on aliens. Not a First Contact, though.

Actually, Opuntia (Prickly Pear) has ammonia in it that gets into animals that eat it,
so the alien's ignoring a nutritious lollipop!

 

[windar]

Actually, Opuntia (Prickly Pear) has ammonia on it surface that can poison animals that lick it,
so the alien's ignoring a nutritious lollipop!

That's a saguaro, not a prickly pear

 

[Madiosi]

Another take on aliens. Not a First Contact, though.

No tries to coming in contact with us through exterrestrial creatures are a strong sign for intelligent existence on other planets.

 

[Apostate]

That's a saguaro, not a prickly pear

Ah, but saguaro is visual shorthand for "desert."

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AllDesertsHaveCacti

And if the poor critter crashed in the Kalahari or Gobi, he’s SOL. Opuntia is native to the Americas.

 

[l'bogo]

A truck driver and the Aliens
A trucker sees down the road a little green man who cries, stops and asks what's wrong:
-I'm Green, I come from the planet Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry!- meets the little stranger.
-Well, I can give you a piece of my sandwich, but that's all I can do for you ...
Customers from the bun and leaves.
Two kilometres further on, the truck driver sees a red man who cries, stops and asks what's wrong:
-I'm red, I come of the planet Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty!- meets the little stranger.
-Well, I can give you a can of Coke, but it's all I can do for you ...
Gives the can and leaves.
Three kilometers later, the truck driver sees a black dwarf with a red stripe that makes weird gestures.
The trucker stops and asks:
-Then little gay man from what planet do you come from?
The small answers:
-The documents, please!

 

[Apostate]

But I thought Carabinieri looked like this.

 

[thehangingtree]

But I thought Carabinieri looked like this.

Let's pan out...

 

[Naraku]

There is variation on this!

Alien lands near a deserted gas station. He approaches one of the pumps and says :
"I come in peace! Bring me to your leader, please!"
Getting no answer, the alien repeats his question. Still no answer. The alien asks the question for the third time.
The alien still gets no answer and gets annoyed.
"Can you at last take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!"

A gas pump might be a better choice.

Meanwhile, some thoughts from a smart human:

 

[rb1956]

i think the last two are true !!!

 

[Barbaria1]

Let's pan out...
View attachment 568636

Wait! What am I doing in this thread?