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Should Have Known Better

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taquisem

taquisem

Onlooker
Hello to all. I have hesitated a lot before writing because of my poor English, so i beg your pardon if it seems too basic.
But i must say how much this fórums, poem and posts helped me to understand the behavior of my first girlfriend.
The thing happened time ago and i was madly in love with her. The first year was wonderful, she was cheerful, always smiling, smart and with a bright clear look in her eyes.
But one day i discovered her trying to hang herself from a Wood beam over the window. She was naked and she didnt see me. I was confused and didnt know how to react, so i didnt say a word. Of course the image in my mind was such a powerful hammer in my brain that i hardly could sleep after that.
Some weeks after she began to talk about crucifixión. Sincerly i had a (sorry) a "hard on" every time but i tried to listen to her with a ... lets say ... distant opinión.
But one day she openly said she wants to be crucified in an open air like a forest and she asked me to do it ..... ohhh... i will never forget her eyes in that momento .....
I couldnt do.
It was imposible to me to hurt her in any way.
Even it aroused me, i wasnt able to make her feel any pain, i was in love and all this thing drove me crazy. So i said no no and no. It was too much for me.
So after that, the relation began to frozen and her eyes wasnt never the same.
Some time later we sepparated and now i dont know nothing about her.
Now i understand many things reading the post of the members and how i regret every day not being able to understand her better and fullfilled her needs.
And know i constantly think that she has found men who crucify her naked in some forests in the world and im not there to wash her wounds.
So sorry.
 
Sorry to hear about your girlfriend taquisem.
In life we all have some sort of regrets. Look on the bright side, maybe you will find another lady to crucify, and you will know exactly how to please her.
And don't worry about your English, it is fine.
 
This is a very touching account, taquisem. You tell it simply and clearly - your English is fine. I think many of us here can relate to the tension of being aroused by the idea of crucifixion, but not wanting to hurt someone we love in real life.
 
But the crucifixion would happen from love, too, Taquisem. And if you tying her to the cross, not harm to her, not give pain to her. If she likes this, why not?
She will be defencelessness, therefore you must protect her till she is on the cross.
 
Tominator said:
But the crucifixion would happen from love, too, Taquisem. And if you tying her to the cross, not harm to her, not give pain to her. If she likes this, why not?
She will be defencelessness, therefore you must protect her till she is on the cross.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your words, but i have learned here that its more complex.
She doesnt wanted protection.
Only to face the truth.
to be exposed
to feel pain
to discover that her shynes aroused her,
or that she doesnt deserve her beauty.
or maybe that ....
she needed to be shared in her own way
 
I wonder - maybe you will meet her again some day -
if only to say, you understand, now.

Thankyou for sharing this with us, Taquisem.
Being here helps all of us understand how deep these strange feelings run in us.
 
taquisem said:
Hello to all. I have hesitated a lot before writing because of my poor English, so i beg your pardon if it seems too basic.
But i must say how much this fórums, poem and posts helped me to understand the behavior of my first girlfriend.
The thing happened time ago and i was madly in love with her. The first year was wonderful, she was cheerful, always smiling, smart and with a bright clear look in her eyes.
But one day i discovered her trying to hang herself from a Wood beam over the window. She was naked and she didnt see me. I was confused and didnt know how to react, so i didnt say a word. Of course the image in my mind was such a powerful hammer in my brain that i hardly could sleep after that.
Some weeks after she began to talk about crucifixión. Sincerly i had a (sorry) a "hard on" every time but i tried to listen to her with a ... lets say ... distant opinión.
But one day she openly said she wants to be crucified in an open air like a forest and she asked me to do it ..... ohhh... i will never forget her eyes in that momento .....
I couldnt do.
It was imposible to me to hurt her in any way.
Even it aroused me, i wasnt able to make her feel any pain, i was in love and all this thing drove me crazy. So i said no no and no. It was too much for me.
So after that, the relation began to frozen and her eyes wasnt never the same.
Some time later we sepparated and now i dont know nothing about her.
Now i understand many things reading the post of the members and how i regret every day not being able to understand her better and fullfilled her needs.
And know i constantly think that she has found men who crucify her naked in some forests in the world and im not there to wash her wounds.
So sorry.
Click to expand...

Well, Taquisem, I have to say your post has moved me deeply. It's quite something that your memory has driven you here, and your courage in posting this memory is immense.

taquisem said:
Thanks for your words, but i have learned here that its more complex.
She doesnt wanted protection.
Only to face the truth.
to be exposed
to feel pain
to discover that her shynes aroused her,
or that she doesnt deserve her beauty.
or maybe that ....
she needed to be shared in her own way
Click to expand...

So, if you met her again, today, would you go to the forest with her? Don't feel you have to answer that.
 
Taquisem, I can understand your feelings and actions. My kink is all about he fantasy, not the pain. I imagine being stripped, whipped, crucified and other tortures but actual pain turns me off. And I could not inflict pain on some else. I believe that many of us share the same feelings. You are not alone in you beliefs.
 
Taquisem!!! i see you are feeling so many different things. all by the way normal an yet so different an hard to accept. she had her wish an desires an they where a lot different then yours at that time. if you both knew the different options maybe things could be different it is not either fault. i wish you the best..please take care.
 
Certainly, like sex, it's possible to do it that way.
But for a loving couple, it's surely a much deeper experience,
of discovering themselves and each other,
the strange, deep feelings within themselves,
and, above all, the mutual trust -
a real 'self-giving' on both sides.
 
Beautiful account, Taquisem. So sad that you were not both in the right place at that time, to be able to give each other what you wanted and needed. A woman like that is indeed a treasure, as is a man who is able to satisfy her.

taquisem said:
She doesnt wanted protection.
Only to face the truth.
to be exposed
to feel pain
to discover that her shynes aroused her,
or that she doesnt deserve her beauty.
or maybe that ....
she needed to be shared in her own way
Click to expand...

Such insight into what can be a profound mystery, the mystery of our attraction to the cross.
The cross is an ultimate test, when we face it we do indeed face the truth, and learn things about ourselves, about each other.
I sincerely hope that you find another girl like her. It's never too late :)
 
yes your words "the strange", has completely discribed the feelings i have had.
The strange is a new universe,
new rules nobody showed me before ... if any rules exist.
Maybe she was lost in "the strange" as i was.
Thanks for your inspiring relexions
 
Eulalia said:
Certainly, like sex, it's possible to do it that way.
But for a loving couple, it's surely a much deeper experience,
of discovering themselves and each other,
the strange, deep feelings within themselves,
and, above all, the mutual trust -
a real 'self-giving' on both sides.
Click to expand...
yes your words "the strange", has completely discribed the feelings i have had.
The strange is a new universe,
new rules nobody showed me before ... if any rules exist.
Maybe she was lost in "the strange" as i was.
Thanks for your inspiring relexions
 
Jollyrei said:
This is a very touching account, taquisem. You tell it simply and clearly - your English is fine. I think many of us here can relate to the tension of being aroused by the idea of crucifixion, but not wanting to hurt someone we love in real life.
Click to expand...
yes this tension was the cuel reality: guilty or liberating hero. wow.
 
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