Another great chapter Old Slave... I like both the style of your writing and the concept of the story!!!
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The Fish Pond
- Thread starter old slave
- Start date
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Deleted member jedakk
Guest
I know that part of me needs to be scientific and clinical when I'm writing to get the framework of the environment the way I want it. Just like planning for an event, someone has to think about the technical stuff so that for others it looks seamless.
I hate to keep going back to The Serpent's Eye for examples, but Balbus the carnifex is the character through which I describe events in the story dispassionately and in a sort of scientific - for Roman times - way, all methodical. Julia Lepida and Salonina witness and describe the events from a sympathetic point of view, but with their emotions colored by their back stories; there's nothing technical about it for them, just horrific. Then Sabina experiences what it feels like to be executed by crucifixion.
The only way I know to get that 360 view of things is by telling the story from the viewpoints of different characters like that, unless maybe you've got a single character with multiple personalities.
old slave
FELIS RESPICIENS
4.
I stare at the cross. I can’t take my eyes off the girl. Why is she writhing about so much? Is she nailed, like in old crucifixions? Why have I been brought here, to watch this? to frighten me? I bet she’s suffering pain and humiliation.
Oh, fucking hell! I’ve been sentenced to pain and humiliation. Am I next? Crucified? He said 48hours. I thought crucifixion killed you, it killed Jesus. They don’t execute you for murdering fish, do they? I drop to the floor, one knee at a time, I wish I could use my hands, tears streaming down my face, snot running from my nose, sticking in my hair which is all over my face by now.
“It hurts like fuck, but you don’t die”.
I look around, realise the next cell has a naked girl in it as well, hands chained behind her back, a chain running to the wall from her collar, she’s sitting with her back to the end wall. Legs splayed out in a V in front of her.
“I’m Daphne, how long you got?”
“Judith, 48hours”
“Bloody hell, did you murder someone?”
“A pond full of fucking fish”
“The cunts, I got 12. Criminally Intercepting a Drone Mail Delivery. I ate most of the best groceries and drunk all the booze before I got caught though.”
“How do you know it hurts like fuck?”
“Did 6 up there last year for drunk and disorderly”
“So it doesn’t kill you? Don’t the nails kill you? Jesus died.”
“No, they clamp your wrists and feet into brackets, and electrodes simulate the pain as if they used nails. They even use strain-gauges so as you move the pain changes. Mind you, after 6hours I wished I was dead, it hurt that fucking much. Don’t know how I’ll stand 12.”
“I’ve got 48”
“Yes”
We didn’t say any more. That cross was the only thing that mattered. We’d said everything there was to say about that. The rest of the world was irrelevant.
“Oh look, there’s a new one in”. Two lads and two girls came over to the bars. “Judith Ann Roberts, of Compton-in-the-Vale” the tall lad read “Destroyer of Property”. So that’s what it says on this tablet, this, what did he call it, a Tittyloss?
“48hours, estimated start time 20.00hrs tomorrow”
“We’ll come this way after the pub” said the short-haired blond girl, “I’ll bring a cucumber to stick up her cunt.”
(tbc)
I stare at the cross. I can’t take my eyes off the girl. Why is she writhing about so much? Is she nailed, like in old crucifixions? Why have I been brought here, to watch this? to frighten me? I bet she’s suffering pain and humiliation.
Oh, fucking hell! I’ve been sentenced to pain and humiliation. Am I next? Crucified? He said 48hours. I thought crucifixion killed you, it killed Jesus. They don’t execute you for murdering fish, do they? I drop to the floor, one knee at a time, I wish I could use my hands, tears streaming down my face, snot running from my nose, sticking in my hair which is all over my face by now.
“It hurts like fuck, but you don’t die”.
I look around, realise the next cell has a naked girl in it as well, hands chained behind her back, a chain running to the wall from her collar, she’s sitting with her back to the end wall. Legs splayed out in a V in front of her.
“I’m Daphne, how long you got?”
“Judith, 48hours”
“Bloody hell, did you murder someone?”
“A pond full of fucking fish”
“The cunts, I got 12. Criminally Intercepting a Drone Mail Delivery. I ate most of the best groceries and drunk all the booze before I got caught though.”
“How do you know it hurts like fuck?”
“Did 6 up there last year for drunk and disorderly”
“So it doesn’t kill you? Don’t the nails kill you? Jesus died.”
“No, they clamp your wrists and feet into brackets, and electrodes simulate the pain as if they used nails. They even use strain-gauges so as you move the pain changes. Mind you, after 6hours I wished I was dead, it hurt that fucking much. Don’t know how I’ll stand 12.”
“I’ve got 48”
“Yes”
We didn’t say any more. That cross was the only thing that mattered. We’d said everything there was to say about that. The rest of the world was irrelevant.
“Oh look, there’s a new one in”. Two lads and two girls came over to the bars. “Judith Ann Roberts, of Compton-in-the-Vale” the tall lad read “Destroyer of Property”. So that’s what it says on this tablet, this, what did he call it, a Tittyloss?
“48hours, estimated start time 20.00hrs tomorrow”
“We’ll come this way after the pub” said the short-haired blond girl, “I’ll bring a cucumber to stick up her cunt.”
(tbc)
malins
Stumbling Seeker
...she's definitely new to this
D
Deleted member jedakk
Guest
Strain gauges and electrodes, changing pain as you move, interesting ideas!
One thing I know from experience, having tried it with an electro-stim TENS unit is that if you put electrodes on either side of your wrist about where a nail would go, and apply any kind of current at all, your hand will be totally paralyzed. My hand didn't clench, fingers didn't curl or anything, it didn't hurt, but I absolutely could not move my fingers at all with an electric current applied to the area of the median nerve. Might as well have been someone else's hand. Once I shut off the current, everything returned to normal.
And as I said, that didn't hurt. There was the buzzing feel of the current passing through, but this was from a TENS unit intended for pain relief that runs off of a 9-volt battery. I think for inducing pain that would simulate nails, it would either require something stronger than that or else finding a way to stimulate the sensory nerves directly. Just some thoughts.
Something to think about maybe for your story. Looking forward to the next installment!
D
Deleted member jedakk
Guest
Are you thinking that because of nerve damage or because of circulation issues from lowered blood pressure since they'd be fixed above the heart in a crucifixion pose?
D
Deleted member jedakk
Guest
Others with similar experiences have told me differently, so it's probably subjective. I do know that there is something called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, which is not all that uncommon, that will cause the hands to go numb if the arms are held in a raised position. I used that in a story way back.
Tittylosses, cucumbers, and electronic nails... crucifixion in the 21st century!
I hope there's not too much titty loss, though!
I think you're onto something here, OS!
old slave
FELIS RESPICIENS
Thanks for the tip, you'll be able to spot the concept.
old slave
FELIS RESPICIENS
5.
There’s not much to do but stare at the girl way up on her high cross.
Someone brings in two dishes, food and water. I’m too much in shock from what I realise is going to happen to ask how I can eat with my hands fastened behind me. I look at Daphne, she’s kneeling with her head in the bowl, eating like a dog. I’m thirsty, so try the same, getting a bit of water in my mouth, lots of water in my hair, and stray hairs in my mouth which would have only taken a flick of one finger to remove, but that task was impossible. Ten minutes of tongue gymnastics later and I think the hairs are gone from my mouth.
Daphne turned to face me, and her Tittyloss was showing ‘12hours, estimated start time 08.00hrs tomorrow’
“So you’re on tomorrow morning”. I knew it was trite, but what else do you say?
“Yes, and you’re after me”
“What did that girl mean about a cucumber?”
“Don’t you know, well guess anyway?”
“Of course I can guess, but it’s a high cross, they can’t get to us, can they?”
“Wait and see, that girl’s on 24hours, anything over 12 hours is automatically humiliation, 12 and under, humiliation is discretionary, I’m not due for any this time.”
We sit and wait. More people come to the bars, say nasty things, frighten us with tales of death and mutilation. I’m glad Daphne knew what happens and told me we don’t die. A sandwich is thrown in, half eaten. I kick it away from me. Then a cute boy puts his arm through the bars holding a fresh jam doughnut. He offers it. I’m tempted and crawl towards him, brought up short by the chain around my neck, deliberately too short to let me get near the bars. He clamps it onto his selfie-stick, to get it nearer to me, and I reach forward with my mouth. He grinds it onto my forehead between my eyes to much laughter,
The jam stings my eyes as it runs down my face, and I think I’m seeing things when the cross seems to descend. It does, lowering straight down into the ground, so the girl could have stood up if her legs weren’t bent at the knees with her feet flat to the post. People crowd round her, and I hear much more laughter, shrieks, were they screams?
“What are they doing, Daphne?”
“Anything and everything they can do to a girl without permanently hurting her”
“Raping her?”
“If they want to, apparently it’s a bit of an awkward angle.”
So that’s why the magistrate asked about my hymen.
“Even if she’s a virgin?”
“They make a special concession to them, she’s allowed 24hours to lose it. Gives her chance to choose someone special or just do it herself.”
The cross rose up, the crowd dispersed. It’s dark now, floodlights on the cross, bright lights shine into our occupied cages. It’s cold, and rain patters on the tin roof. It must be horrible for that girl. Or does a bit of rain make much difference if it hurts that bad?
My hair has stuck to the jam on my face.
(tbc)
There’s not much to do but stare at the girl way up on her high cross.
Someone brings in two dishes, food and water. I’m too much in shock from what I realise is going to happen to ask how I can eat with my hands fastened behind me. I look at Daphne, she’s kneeling with her head in the bowl, eating like a dog. I’m thirsty, so try the same, getting a bit of water in my mouth, lots of water in my hair, and stray hairs in my mouth which would have only taken a flick of one finger to remove, but that task was impossible. Ten minutes of tongue gymnastics later and I think the hairs are gone from my mouth.
Daphne turned to face me, and her Tittyloss was showing ‘12hours, estimated start time 08.00hrs tomorrow’
“So you’re on tomorrow morning”. I knew it was trite, but what else do you say?
“Yes, and you’re after me”
“What did that girl mean about a cucumber?”
“Don’t you know, well guess anyway?”
“Of course I can guess, but it’s a high cross, they can’t get to us, can they?”
“Wait and see, that girl’s on 24hours, anything over 12 hours is automatically humiliation, 12 and under, humiliation is discretionary, I’m not due for any this time.”
We sit and wait. More people come to the bars, say nasty things, frighten us with tales of death and mutilation. I’m glad Daphne knew what happens and told me we don’t die. A sandwich is thrown in, half eaten. I kick it away from me. Then a cute boy puts his arm through the bars holding a fresh jam doughnut. He offers it. I’m tempted and crawl towards him, brought up short by the chain around my neck, deliberately too short to let me get near the bars. He clamps it onto his selfie-stick, to get it nearer to me, and I reach forward with my mouth. He grinds it onto my forehead between my eyes to much laughter,
The jam stings my eyes as it runs down my face, and I think I’m seeing things when the cross seems to descend. It does, lowering straight down into the ground, so the girl could have stood up if her legs weren’t bent at the knees with her feet flat to the post. People crowd round her, and I hear much more laughter, shrieks, were they screams?
“What are they doing, Daphne?”
“Anything and everything they can do to a girl without permanently hurting her”
“Raping her?”
“If they want to, apparently it’s a bit of an awkward angle.”
So that’s why the magistrate asked about my hymen.
“Even if she’s a virgin?”
“They make a special concession to them, she’s allowed 24hours to lose it. Gives her chance to choose someone special or just do it herself.”
The cross rose up, the crowd dispersed. It’s dark now, floodlights on the cross, bright lights shine into our occupied cages. It’s cold, and rain patters on the tin roof. It must be horrible for that girl. Or does a bit of rain make much difference if it hurts that bad?
My hair has stuck to the jam on my face.
(tbc)
Nice touch.
I like this kind of modern setting, it brings it home much more forcefully. Added interest with the tech enhancements, too.
Well, that's a concession, isn't it?
I feel better about things now.
The crowd, the floodlights, rain and pain and humiliation. Why are people so cruel?
Great story Old Slave
The 48 hours may seem excessive for damaging a fish pond but she was not licensed to be driving the Viper she did the deed with so there is a moving violation among the charges that must be dealt with!!!
Tree
Tree
D
Deleted member jedakk
Guest
That would have to be a terrifying feeling, being lowered helplessly into the crowd waiting below to do things to you like that. It reminds me of a scene from a movie probably in the 60s where paratroopers were mistakenly dropped into the middle of the enemy. One of them was firing a pistol as he came down into this waiting horde of Asian soldiers brandishing bayonets, who promptly converged on him when he came within reach.
Although that girl is not supposed to die or have permanent damage, she would know that it's going to be bad, very bad. Kind of like when Billy Conley's sketch "Football Violence" where wee Shoggy finds himself in the midst of the opposing team's fans at a football match.
Is there anyone there to ensure that these hooligans don't actually do permanent damage?
Nicely done! Looking forward to the next chapter!
Very vivid and effective writing old slave. Brings back another of my kid fantasies,
about being taken out onto some kind of balcony, like at the Tolbooth (Town Hall),
to be flung down to a howling mob below. I used to act it out in my bedroom,
or imagine it when I jumped from the board at the swimming bath,
this sense of falling to my doom - along with ideas about what those waiting hands
will do to me!
about being taken out onto some kind of balcony, like at the Tolbooth (Town Hall),
to be flung down to a howling mob below. I used to act it out in my bedroom,
or imagine it when I jumped from the board at the swimming bath,
this sense of falling to my doom - along with ideas about what those waiting hands
will do to me!
old slave
FELIS RESPICIENS
Trying to write this story for me??
Seriously, all these comments are welcomed and useful, and are making me log on several times a day, rather than the once I used to, just to read them.
The story of Judith's doom is coming along nicely.
