My interest in crucifixions began very early. I accompanied my grandmother in the church when I was seven years old.
From the celebration of the mass I did not get so much. I had eyes only for the large crucifix behind the altar. I could not take my eyes away from that half-naked body, which hung with outstretched arms on the giant cross, held by large nails, which were hit through the wrists and bare feet.
It fascinated me. I stared at the man nailed to the cross and tried to imagine what it would be, even to hang there, delivered with nails through the wrists and feet, almost naked, in front of the eyes of many people.
I got heart palpitations at the thought of being nailed to a cross.
After the Mass, the women were standing a while together talking. I wandered through the church. I followed the stations of the Cross. There were paintings on the side wall of the church. Full of fascination, I looked at the picture, on which Jesus was hold down on the cross and a soldier nailed his feet.
In the picture, only one nail was used. Two soldiers were holding Jesus lower legs and they held his right foot on the left, and the third soldier drove a giant nail through both feet. Heart pounding, I tried to imagine the pain this horrible nailing must have produce.
Then I looked at the picture, on which hung all three crucifixes on their crosses. Again the victims, one foot had been nailed over the other in each case. A single nail held both feet, Jesus and with the two robbers. I looked at the picture and then I looked to the crucifix behind the altar. There, the feet of Jesus, stood side by side and trough each foot, a nail was driven.
I liked that more. I went to the altar, watching the large crucifix close to. Again I got palpitations. I could not turn my eyes away. It was only when my grandmother called, I turned around and went to her. Before we left the church, I turned around again and took a last look at the image of the half-naked body on the cross.
In bed at night I spread out my arms and bent my knees slightly and put my feet together and then I imagined that I was nailed to a cross.
I began to go into churches when they were open. I looked at the crucifixes and the Cross stations. These were mostly paintings. Here I met the T-Cross and I saw that the robbers were sometimes tied with ropes rather than nailed.
When it was bathing time I introduced myself sometimes undressed on the bathroom wall, spread my arms and set me on my toes. I played that also later in my own room. Especially exciting, I found myself to undress completely. On the cross you are naked, so you have to be ashamed and humiliated. Anyway caused my games tremendous palpitations to me.
My first "real" Crucifixion I experienced with eight or nine years. I was visiting my aunt. My two cousins, twin sisters at my age, had a double bed. One slept downstairs, the other one upstairs. The top bunk had a low security grid.
My cousins ??invented a game. They called it "enduring" or something like that. For this we were standing at the lower bed with feet on the lower bed and hung with outstreched arms from the security grid of the upper bed. Then we went from the bottom bed and let our feet dangle in the air.
One counted slowly the seconds everyone could endure.
For my cousins ??that was just a funny game. For me it was much more. I was totally excited and had insane palpitations.
You had to endure at least to 100. I even managed 400. I would have endured longer , but it was incredibly difficult to hold my bodyweigth all the time with my hands on the grid.
I wished so hard, to be tied at my wrists and ankles to that bed. That would have been a real crucifixion. I could have let myself fall into the bondage and could devote myself to my helplessness.
So it went on. I always imagined crucifixion scenes. I coulden´t any climbing frame on playgrounds without hanging myself on it. Most of all I liked to hang with arms outstretched and my toes just reaching the ground or a crossbar of the climbing scaffold and then silently counting the seconds to see how long I could stand it.
I had fantasies of a school, in which one has been punished. For every little mistake one ended up on the cross. There was a cross at the wall in each classroom, were „bad girls“ where bound to and there were very high crosses in the schoolyard. Who had done something particularly bad, landed on such a cross. For this purpose, it was enough to have forgotten the homework.
The girls, who were crucified in the schoolyard, had to strip naked as punishment - a very bad humiliation.
Then I got down there in front of the cross and looked to the crucified girl that completely pulled of her clothing an hung on the beam, exposed to the gaze of all students in absolutely helplessness.
I loved the sight and even more I loved it to be self-tied naked to such a cross. Then I hung up there and was ashamed terribly. I came to shame and if I long enough on the cross, I cried out in pain, while the students mocked at me.
I would have given anything to be a student at such a school. I wished with all my heart, to be crucified in public. Just the idea of ??having to undress naked in front the eyes of all the students, gave me heart bumbings. This humiliation! Everyone could see it when I hung naked on the cross.
I was ashamed and I suffered and I begged pitifully for mercy. I loved this fantasy.
Mostly, I was tied up with ropes in my imagination, but I secretly dreamed of being nailed. I knew a nailing would mean excruciating pain. Nevertheless, I dreamed of experiencing it.
I imagined how they took off my clothes and put me naked on the cross. Then I was nailed on the wood. In my imagination I felt exactly how they did beat nails through my hands and feet.
At that time I did not know that the nails had been driven in ancient Rome through the wrists. I found out later.
So I dreamed that they hammered the nails through my palms.
However, I never wanted to experience a crucifixion, which led to death. Neither I wanted to watch it.
In my imagination a crucifixion took only a certain number of hours and then the victim was taken down from the cross and the wounds were healed.
One of my most loved fantasies was that several selected girls were crucified outside the city, in order to appease the terrible dragon king or another monster.
By enduring the pain the monster was rendered calm and harmless and the roads in the Kingdom were for a whole year free and open.
Only girls could do this sacrifice. We were selected by lot and then brought to the crucifixion site. We were nailed to the cross and had to suffer for a whole day. After the ordeal, we were taken down from the cross and healed by a priestess. We were bathed in a sacred pond and the water healed our wounds in less than five minutes.
We were washed and thereafter clothed in simple linen tunics. We got golden bands around the wrists and ankles and walked barefoot through the city. The citizens celebrated us cross girls. Everyone wanted to touch us and they praised us: "Oh just see! This brave girls! You did the sacrifices for all of us! "
At that time I had a gym teacher who let us girls always doing gymnastics at school barefoot. She said that will power the strength of the ligaments and tendons, but I think she just wanted to prevent girls could specify from wealthy families with their expensive sports shoes.
I loved being barefoot during gymnastics and to feel the polished wooden floor of the gymnasium under my bare soles. When I looked at the bare feet of my classmates, I imagined how nails were hammered through these feet.
I had also a fantasy of a girls' school where every girl had at least once a week be tied to a cross to pay for the sins of the world. I liked the idea that I had to suffer for the sins of the world and I had to pay for it. Each girl had to stand at least once a week for an hour on the cross, but it was welcome, if she went to the cross more often.
Of course, I was the volunteer who went daily to the cross and I always held out for several hours. How I wished I would have been at such a school!
In addition to tying with ropes the nailing was present always in my fantasies. It was clear that a real nailing would cause terrible damage. That's why I dreamed from sacred ponds and caves or other methods, all wounds to be healed completely after the crucifixion. Although I really wanted to be nailed, but not being a cripple.
So - thats my story, how I came into crucifixion. It is whit me since my early years and won´t leave me.
I will add that I always found it exciting to see old historic films that in the 50's and 60's had scenes of various damsels in distress, quite graphic as I remember them.
