Chapter 2
The lift doors opened and Captain Wragg sauntered back onto the bridge.
“Captain on the Bridge,” said Hondoboot.
“Cheers, Hondo,” said Wragg, taking his seat in the Captain’s chair. “Anything going on, Mr. Jollyrei?”
“The Cunnilingus is at warp 3, all systems seem fine. She’s purring along,” said Jollyrei. “We had a small sub-space message from Command, er, wishing us well, er, among other things…” his voice trailed off.
“Other things?” asked Wragg.
“Er, nothing important.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” said Wragg. “Let’s hear it.”
“Admiral Old Slave wanted to know why an Ensign from this ship was sending complaints via confidential channels,” said Jollyrei.
“What sort of complaints?” asked Wragg.
“Someone has apparently been stealing the Ensign’s undergarments, colloquially known as “kinis”,” said Jollyrei.
“Really?” asked Repertor. “Who would do that?”
“Almost anyone on this ship, I would think,” said Jollyrei.
“Which Ensign was it?” asked Wragg.
“Ensign Moore,” said Jollyrei.
“And where is Ensign Moore now?” asked Wragg looking around the bridge. The communications station was being manned by Yeoman Malins, one of the engineering staff.
“She’s off duty. She could be anywhere in the ship,” said Malins.
“Barb is running around the ship with no pants on?” asked Phlebas.
“I really couldn’t say,” said Jollyrei. “She’s not here. I think she went down to the holodecks to check on Yeoman Messaline.”
“Well, you’ll have to nip down there then,” said Wragg. “While you’re in the holodecks, check out those stories about people using them for fantasy games, would you? Honestly, discipline on this ship is appalling. I’ll stay here on the bridge to make sure nobody steals Yeoman Malins “kinis”. Repertor, Phlebas, you’re with Jolly.”
The three men exited the bridge through the swishing lift doors.
“I fail to see how the procurement of women’s undergarments would help anyone else,” said Hondoboot.
“I’m sure that’s true,” said Wragg. “How long until we hit the Neutral Zone?”
“Two and a half hours to go,” said Hondoboot.
“Does this Visiscreen ™, do any games?” asked Loxuru.
Down on floor 12, the lift doors squealed open, and Jollyrei, Phlebas, and Repertor stepped out into the holodeck lobby. The lobby was a nicely carpeted oval room. Two main programming stations occupied the middle of the room and there were three doors with control pads and lights that seemed to flash out of sequence. That wasn’t alarming. Lights on these starships all tended to flash out of any sort of sequence.
The holodecks were not physically that large. About the size of a small gymnasium each. However, they operated in accordance with warp and sub-space principles to allow the creation of illusions of much larger spaces. The holoprojection expert on board, Yeoman Messaline was especially good at creating whole cities where one could always get a table at a good restaurant. Linking in the food replicators ensured that the meal itself was real, and not just a holographic illusion. The idea was that you could simulate realistically almost any situation, without suffering any permanent ill effects, such as debilitating injury, death, or divorce, depending on the program being simulated. Practically, that meant that one could recreate various parts of France, because that was what Messaline was most familiar with.
“Seems pretty quiet here today,” said Repertor.
“This is the lobby,” said Phlebas. “Nothing ever happens here.”
“Not true,” said Repertor. “I once met Yeoman Malins here and…”
“Yes, thank you,” said Jollyrei. “We’re trying to find Ensign Barb and sort this knickers thing out. Honestly, did I just say that? Don’t we have a complaints officer?”
“It’s Ensign Barb,” said Phlebas, “but she thinks that means she gets to complain, not that she sorts out complaints.”
“Great,” said Jollyrei. “Well, let’s see, deck 2 is running a program. Maybe that’s it. I want this out of the way and everyone wearing panties by the time we get to the Neutral Zone.”
“Everyone?” asked Repertor. “That will be an interesting look for the away team.”
“Let’s go,” said Jollyrei, and he hit the door controls for holodeck 2. The doors opened to total blackness. That wasn’t anything to worry about. That just meant the holo-field generators were working to ensure that the illusion didn’t leak out into normal ship’s operations. If that failed, you could end up with all sorts of problems, like that Roman legion that crucified 12 female crew members and then tried to build a wall against the Picts in one of the cargo bays. The crosses turned out to be illusions, so nobody really died, but Jollyrei was always uncomfortable about the explanation of what had happened to the legionnaires themselves. He wondered if they weren’t hiding somewhere. Certainly the wall was no longer in the cargo bay, but still…
The three men walked into the blackness…and were suddenly standing in the golden light of midsummer in Anjou, France. There was a table set, with fresh bread, wine, cheeses. A naked, dark haired woman was sitting and contemplatively eating some bread. She had a red cloak over her shoulders, but it did nothing to conceal her breasts, navel, or shapely legs. Actually, she wasn’t trying to conceal anything. She was lost in contemplation with two fingers (the ones not holding bread) caressing herself between her thighs. Jollyrei, Repertor, and Phlebas, once they had finished their (short) examination of the woman at the table, followed her gaze to take in the rest of the scene.
A blonde haired woman with fair skin, and wearing nothing, was suspended by ropes on a cross in the centre of the park. There were other passersby, the park being in a pretty village, but they were apparently just there for show. They paid no attention to the woman on the cross at all. Jollyrei, Repertor and Phlebas, on the other hand, paid attention.
She hung on the cross, a look of some rapture on her face, occasionally pushing herself up to take the strain off her arms, at which point her breasts would seem to fill out, and her thighs would press together. Then she would lower down, and her slender thighs would part, and her arms and chest would stretch again. The dark haired woman sighed appreciatively.
“Ah, Messaline, Cherie,” she said, “You are so sensual, so beautiful there on the cross. Do you feel the glory of it?”
“Hey” said Repertor, “that’s Yeoman Messaline!”
“And she’s being crucified, like those people on the planet!” said Jollyrei. “Phasers on stun!” He grabbed for his phaser, which wasn’t on his belt.
“No phasers in the holodecks,” said Phlebas. “Too dangerous. You know what happens when a phaser interacts with a holoprojection field.”
“No I don’t,” said Jollyrei. “What happens.” He stared at the writhing naked girl on the cross. She was making some rather interesting moaning noises, almost as if she liked it.
“I’m sure it’s bad,”said Phlebas. “Eulalia would know. She knows things.”
“Funny how nobody else seems to,” said Repertor.
“Oh,” said the dark haired woman, “we have some company. Three gentlemen, but none of them is your Monsieur Squirrel.”
“Ah,” gasped Messaline, “it is Commander Jolly, and two other officiers. Gentlemen, this is Judith. She is like my…a friend…on Earth.”
“But she’s torturing you?” asked Jollyrei.
“No,” said Messaline. “She does what I want the program to do. Sometimes Commander Rodent joins us.”
“How, er…nice,” said Jollyrei. “Have you seen Ensign Barb Moore?”
“No, Commander,” said Messaline. “She is not here today. Could you get me down though? I have been up here for hours.”
“Get her down, chaps,” said Jollyrei.
“Yes, we have had enough for one day,” said Judith.
Repertor and Phlebas made short work of unbinding Messaline’s hands and ankles, and helping her off the cross. Judith wrapped a blue cloak over her shoulders and handed her a glass of red wine, kissing her.
Messaline took the wine and smiled at Judith. “Controls!” she commanded. A square black control pad appeared on the table. She pressed some buttons and Judith and the cross vanished. The control tablet disappeared again too. They were standing in a park in the middle of a village in Anjou, with no sign that a crucifixion had just taken place except that Messaline was still naked under her blue cloak.
“You’re okay, are you?” asked Jollyrei. Messaline still looked rather flushed. She looked happy and relaxed though.
“Oh yes,” she said. “I think if you arrived a moment earlier, I would be upset, but it is all good now.”
“What is going on?” asked Repertor.
“Monsieur Rodent and I have created a crux program. It’s very good for, um, stress relief,” said Messaline.
“RacingRodent participates in this?” Jollyrei asked.
Messaline laughed. “No, of course not! He is a squirrel, well, a large intelligent, versatile squirrel, but he would not fit on such a cross. He just helps me design things here, and…other things.”
“I don’t even want to imagine,” murmured Repertor.
“Yes you do,” said Phlebas. “Warm day here, isn’t it?”
“So, this is a kind of fantasy thing?” asked Jollyrei. “The Captain seems to be worried about that.”
“Ah, but morale on the ship is tres important!” said Messaline. “Doctor Bobinder is very clear about this.”
“Is he involved as well?” asked Jollyrei. “Good lord.”
“Actually, Commander,” said Repertor, “this crux program could be useful if we are to get a full picture of what’s happening on Crux Primus VII.”
“Good point,” said Jollyrei.
“Hey, Messaline, princess,” said a voice, “you’re off your cross already. How about I cuddle up to… Oh!” RacingRodent came down a tree and suddenly saw the three other officers. “Maybe later,” he added.
“We were just discussing the merits of this crux program,” said Repertor.
“Which you seem to have designed,” said Jollyrei pointedly.
“Am I in trouble?” the squirrel asked Messaline.
“No,” said Messaline. “I am explaining how wonderful this program is.”
“Oh, well then,” said RacingRodent, “yes, I did program a few details, you know stress effects, potential for orgasm…”
“Maybe we don’t need to go into all that now,” said Messaline quickly.
“Ah,” said RacingRodent.
“Where did you get the idea?” asked Phlebas.
“Well, I was chatting with Eulalia on evening,” said the squirrel. “Did you know that crucifixion was once an approved punishment method in the Federation? People even got interested in it as a mythical or fantasy subject.”
“Eul would know that stuff,” said Jollyrei. “That might be why we’re called the Crux Federation.”
“Sounds a bit farfetched,” said Repertor. “I always thought it was because of the shape of the ship.”
“You don’t name a whole federation of planets after the shape of a ship,” scoffed Phlebas. “It’s clearly because of the Southern Cross, you know, the constellation.”
“I'm not sure this is the time for a dissertation on the history of the Federation,” said Jollyrei. “Can this crux thing be done with nails.”
“Sorry, what?” asked Repertor.
“Can we nail someone to a cross here in the holodecks?” asked Jollyrei. “A kind of experiment.”
“Why would we do that?” asked RacingRodent.
“We need to know about it,” said Jollyrei. “They’re crucifying people on Crux Primus. I want to know why, how, what happens, and all that stuff.”
“So do I,” said Phlebas, “but not for the reasons you said.” Messaline grinned at him.
“I suppose it could be done,” said RacingRodent. “I engineered this mainly as an exercise program. Yeoman Malins and Messaline were pretty informative about female physiology. We could simulate everything, including pain, fatigue, and everything, but holodeck safeties will prevent real injury and will stop the person from dying, but they’d still be pretty tired after a thing like that.”
“It would be a bit beyond fantasy, I think,” said Repertor.
“It’s the ultimate fantasy!” said Messaline.
“It’s for science,” said Jollyrei.
“Are you sure you know what that means?” asked Repertor. “All due respect, sir,” he added.
“Set it up, Mr. Rodent,” said Jollyrei. “I think we’re on to something. Get input from Bobinder, Malins, Eulalia, whoever you need. We might need to know about this crucifixion thing.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be stopping all this fantasy stuff?” asked Repertor. “The Captain…”
“Look, people are dying on crosses down there. I think we need to know as much about it as possible before we get there,” said Jollyrei.
“Oh, have it your way,” said Repertor. “Who do you propose to crucify in your little experimental situation?”
“I found my kinis, Messa,” said Barb brightly, coming into the holodeck, waving a small black cloth garment. “When I find out who took them, I’ll see to it they get a few demerits…” she noticed the small crowd of people staring at her with some interest. “Why are you all looking at me like that?” she asked.
“Jolly wants to know if you’re interested in scientific enquiry,” said RacingRodent.
“It might be better to start with holographically generated subjects,” said Messaline, “before using real people.”
“Attention all decks,” said Malins’ voice. “We will be coming out of warp at Crux Primus VII in 15 minutes. The Crux Free States on the planet are at war so this is a potentially dangerous situation. All crew to alert stations!” The alert stations claxon started to blare annoyingly across all decks of the ship, a sort of whining, whooping sound.
“Well, that’s all of us back to the bridge,” said Jollyrei. “This will have to wait. See what you can do about it when you get a chance, Mr. Rodent.”
“I think it sounds very exciting,” said Messaline. “Malins will also like it.”
“Is Messaline being just a bit more enthusiastic about this than expected?” asked Phlebas as they exited the holodecks. “And she seems to think other female crew will also want to participate.”
“Dedication to duty,” said Jollyrei. “A fine body of men.”
“Women actually,” said Phlebas.
“Right,” said Repertor, “with fine bodies.” The three men and Barb got into the lift back to the bridge.
“I wonder what the Captain will think of this idea to test out crucifixion in the holodecks,” said Phlebas. “I don’t think it was our original purpose in going down there.”
“I think it went perfectly,” said Jollyrei. “We can report that Ensign Moore found her kinis.”
“I’m not sure about that,” said Repertor. “Where did you find them, Barb?”
“As I was coming into the holodeck,” said Barb, “just inside the door.”
“And you’re sure they’re real,” said Repertor, “only, things that are in the holodeck generally don’t exist outside the holodeck.”
Barb made a surreptitious feel of her bottom down the short skirt of her uniform. “Shit!” she said.
“So, not even that little task done then,” said Phlebas.
“No, I just remembered,” said Jollyrei. “I know exactly what happened to Barb’s kinis. Nothing to worry about. They’re in transporter bay 4.”
“How do you know that?” asked Barb.
“I was with Lt. Windar, you know, the transporter chief. We were drinking Romulan ale…”
“You were drinking Romulan ale in transporter room 4?” asked Phlebas.
“Hey, it’s been a really dull trip, so far,” said Jollyrei. “We were just trying to liven things up a bit. I heard of this game, right, where…”
“Romulan ale is pretty strong stuff,” said Phlebas.
“You’re telling me,” said Jollyrei. “We got pretty smashed. Anyway, I had this theory, that you could transport clothes without people, or maybe it was transporting people without their clothes. I mean think of the possibilities. Windar said he could do one better and transport something someone was wearing, right off them. ”
“And what did Windar transport, while under the influence of this Romulan ale,” asked Repertor.
“Well, I bet him that he couldn’t teleport Barb’s underwear off her without her noticing. He said he could. I won 20 credits.”
“But he got the pants,” said Phlebas, “so why did you win.”
“Well, Windar’s a great transporter chief,” said Jollyrei, “but clearly Barb noticed they were gone.”
“Remind me not to play drinking games with you,” said Phlebas.
“I can’t believe you did that,” said Barb, “that’s incredibly dangerous. What if you had transported part of my tight little as well?”
“Quite so,” said Jollyrei. “I wouldn’t trust it to anyone except Windar. He’s the best.”
“But he was drunk!” yelled Barb.
“Well, of course he was,” said Jollyrei. “He wouldn’t have done it if he was sober. It’s really incredibly childish and irresponsible, when you think of it. You know, Romulan ale should probably be banned.”
“It is banned, actually,” said Repertor. “Starfleet regulations, section, er, well Hondoboot would know that. The punishment for possession while operating a starship is a year on a mining planet.”
“Good thing we disposed of the evidence then,” said Jollyrei. “Ah, here’s the bridge! Everyone ready for action.”
“The accomplishments of the officers on this ship are astonishing,” muttered Barb.
to be continued...
Oooooops ................ 
Memo to: Admiral O Slave, Starfleet HQ
Memo to self:
And if none of those work ... there's always complaining!
Commander Jollyrei and crew!
She has too much smoked Wu'cigarettes !