There was nowhere in all England as festive as Cruxton Abbey at Christmas. From the gloriously lit gardens, past the forty foot tall fully decorated tree in the great hallway, and into any room you pleased to visit all was a merry blaze of colours and bells which could not fail to warm the coldest of hearts.
The serving maids, lightly dressed though they habitually were, sported holly sprigs in their hair, bright red g-strings, and festive tassels on their nipples. Even Lord Wragg smiled as Barbara approached him with a silver salver upon which was yet another holly sprig, an empty glass and a full decanter of claret.
Full of yuletide cheer on Christmas Eve, his Lordship nevertheless refrained from whacking her tight little, which always forced her to spill the claret and thus give him an excuse to cart her off to the dungeons. Today he was content to sit quietly, admiring the view, as with unerring precision she dispensed a glass of claret without spilling a single drop.
Task completed, she straightened up, tassels swinging enticingly, and regarded him suspiciously.
“Are you quite well, milord?” she enquired.
“I am perfectly fine, thank you, Barbara.” He raised his glass, inspected the claret critically, then, finding it to his liking, he wished her a very Merry Christmas, before sipping it appreciatively.
“And to you, too, milord.” Barb bowed, and withdrew decorously to the kitchen, where she found Alice industriously peeling potatoes ready for tomorrow’s dinner. Alice expertly flicked a stray piece of potato peel off her own nipple tassel, then looked up as Barb entered.
She saw the puzzled expression on Barb’s face. “What’s up, Barb?”
“I just served His Gropiness with a glass of Claret in the library and he never even glanced at my tight little, let alone whack it as usual.” She turned so that Alice could study that part of her anatomy, which, clad only in the aft parts of a G-string, was perfectly adequately displayed. “Does my bum look big in this?” she asked, with concern.
It was Alice’s professional opinion that Barb had by far the finest hindquarters ever sat upon by woman, and a critical inspection revealed not one jot of deterioration. “No, Barb. It, like the rest of you, is looking wonderful.”
“I do hope he’s not ill.” Barb looked worried. “I mean, I know he’s a miserable randy old git, but I wouldn’t wish misfortune upon him, especially not at Christmas.”
Just at that moment, the bell from the library rang. Alice dried her hands and checked herself in the mirror. “I’ll go,” she said. “I always end up in his lap whenever I go to him.”
So Barb took over the potatoes, and Alice headed to the library.
“You rang, milord?”
“Ah, Alice!” he gazed at her appreciatively enough over the top of his glasses. “I find myself feeling a little peckish. I wondered if you might bring me a bowl of nuts?”
“Very good, milord.” Mystified, Alice bowed, and withdrew.
“He just wants a bowl of nuts,” she reported to Barb.
“What, he didn’t want you to sit on his lap?”
“Nope. Just asked for nuts and that was it,” replied Alice, pouring some assorted nuts into a bone china bowl.
“Well, take him those, and I’ll see you in an hour,” Barb winked knowingly.
Back in the library, Alice approached His Lordship.
“Your nuts, milord.” She always enjoyed saying that.
She placed the bowl on the table beside him, then alluringly leaned across him to fetch the nutcracker nearer. Her nipple tassel was barely inches from his nose, which was also within the almost visible cloud of her perfume, but nevertheless she retrieved the nutcracker and set it up beside him without incident.
He took the nutcracker himself and happily cracked open a walnut.
“Thank you, Alice,” he said. “Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas to you, too, sir… Err, will there be anything else?”
“No thank you, Alice, these nuts are perfectly satisfactory.”
“Very good, milord.”
Back in the kitchen, Alice was completely nonplussed. “That’s it.” she said. “He’s gone off his trolley.”
“I thought you were back quick! What, didn’t he even touch you, either?”
“No.. he looked at me happily enough, but that was it. I practically waved my boobs in his face, but all I got was ‘thank you Alice, Merry Christmas.’”
“We’re doomed,” said Barb. “I’d better start looking for another job.”
“Me too, but I’ll never find one as good as this. And we’d never find somewhere where we could work together..” Alice had tears in her eyes.
Just then, Briggs, the butler, came in.
“Good afternoon, Miss Kiss, Miss Moore.”
“Good afternoon, Mr Briggs,” they chorused.
“Are you all right, ladies? You seem a little edgy?”
“We’re worried about His Lordship,” announced Barb.
“He’s just not himself today!” added Alice.
“In what way is he ‘not himself’? He was every inch Lord Wragg when I parted from him, not twenty minutes ago!”
“He’s not as… friendly as usual,” stated Barb, trying to be diplomatic.
“Has he been discourteous in some manner?” Briggs raised an eyebrow. It didn’t seem to him to be in the least unusual for Lord Wragg to be discourteous.
“No, just less, um, attentive.” Barb felt she was beginning to struggle rather.
Briggs gazed at her without the slightest sign of comprehension. Excellent butler though he was, he never had and never would understand the serving girls. They were something of an alien species to him. “Miss Moore, I fear that I do not have the faintest idea what you mean. Please accept my assurance that His Lordship is in perfectly robust health, and you need have no concerns on that score. I suggest that you both get on with your tasks!”
Barb gave up. “Very good, Mr Briggs.” She turned her attention to the spuds and bashed them thoroughly. Alice set to work on the parsnips.
Eventually, Briggs had done whatever it was that he had come to the kitchen to do and he departed.
“Fat lot of good he was,” grumbled Alice.
“Wrong kind of chromosomes,” agreed Barb. “We need Eulalia. She will know!”
Eulalia was Lady Wragg’s Lady in Waiting, and there was nothing that she didn’t know about the Earl and Countess of Cruxton, nor indeed about anything else that was worth knowing.
“She’ll be here at three for her tea!” Eulalia was as reliable as clockwork.
At five to three Alice made sure that the kettle was boiling, and she had the tea poured just as the Westminster chimes were sounding from the grandfather clock in the hall. True to form, Eulalia entered on the stroke of the hour.
“Hullo, Alice! Hullo, Barb! Oh! Tea! Thank you!” Eulalia always seemed both surprised and grateful to find tea awaiting her, even though she would wonder if the earth had ceased to revolve upon its axis if it wasn’t there.
Alice passed her a freshly baked mince pie. “Eul, can we ask you something?”
“You don’t need to. You are wondering if Lord Wragg is quite well?”
Barb and Alice goggled at her in shock. “How did you know?”
“Well, unless I am much mistaken, Barb’s tight little has remained unslapped and Alice has not been required to spend an hour sat in his lap?”
“Exactly, Eul! Barb’s been all ready to start scanning the ‘Situations Vacant’ columns in ‘
The Lady’”
“Oh, don’t do that, Barb. Your job’s perfectly safe. You’ll see.”
“I’ll see what, and when?” Barb was intrigued.
But that was all that Eulalia had to say on the subject, and nothing more could be extracted from her on the subject from then until bedtime, leaving Barb and Alice seething with curiosity – especially after they had served his Lordship with five courses at dinner, and not even the after dinner port and cigars brought the slightest reaction from Lord Wragg, other than polite ‘thank yous’ and ‘that will be alls’.
So to bed they went none the wiser.
T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the Abbey
Not a creature was stirring, even Wragg wasn’t crabby
When, just before dawn, there came a great shout
And nobody knew what the fuss was about!
From the dungeons at Cruxton came cries of great glee
So Barb’ra, unwisely, rushed straight down to see
With Alice behind her she rushed down the stair
They were shocked to discover what greeted them there!
A large new contraption, created from wood
Delivered by Santa ‘cos Wragg had been good;
And Wraggy was flowing with deep Christmas joy
So thoroughly chuffed with his new Christmas toy!
And they knew he was back – that Lord Wragg of old
The moment he saw them, they heard themselves told:
“Come Barb’ra, come Alice – lay down on your back
I’d love you to try out my two-person rack!”
They took off their nightwear, they knew that they should
(For maids in the dungeon must always be nude.)
They lay down as bid, for they were good girls
As the rack was adjusted, the ropes were unfurled;
They did not complain as he fitted the tether
Then turning the ratchet they both stretched together!
And together they cried, as the rack pulled them tight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!