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Dealing With The Shame Of Drawing Crucifixion

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I would assume this is exactly the right place for such a discussion, @Brambleberry-Rose

You are very welcome here, and we’d love to see your art. I encourage you to create more.

I truly understand the feelings of shame and guilt, although for me it was the flip side of the coin, I always wanted to be the victim. And when we internalize shame, I think it must be natural to think “I’m thee worst”. I recall thinking I was worse than the worst sadist because the boys would understand wanting to hurt somebody. But wanting to be hurt? Well clearly I was perverted, broken, perhaps insane?

And yes, Catholicism shaped me, as well as my kink, I’m sure.

So I hid it, for years. Allowing just a glimpse of my sexuality out to a very few trusted partners and only in a limited way.

Like my now good friend @wulf , I had a bit of an epiphany a few years ago, and discovered I wasn’t alone in my kink (although certain elements like my loincloth skirt fetish are extremely rare ) and when I discovered this place plus a small circle of friendships on fet I am far more comfortable in my skin. I now recognize that my kink is an important, vital part that is absolutely uniquely me, and it is a distinct privilege to be able to express myself freely, especially on here as well as to my new MASTER.

Wow @bobinder nice to hear someone mentioned Norman Lindsay, I lived just around the corner from his gallery/former residence in the Blue Mountains as I was growing up, very talented and to my mind a seminal artist for Australian art!
 
Not shame or guilt when I write stories or make pics. It is first of all fun and excitement for myself. But I prefer that no one would find them, because people deeming themselves as 'normal', or worse, bearers of the moral standard of all things and thoughts, would interpret it all the wrong way.
 
I also believe this is absolutely the right place to open up about your fantasy @Brambleberry-Rose.
My own fantasy, which is the flagellation of women - particularly their breasts, is at least as disconcerting and guilt-ridden as yours.
The roots of these fantasies of ours are diverse, complex and difficult to fathom. Mine certainly goes back to events in early childhood, though I have not been able to identify specific experiences which may have triggered it. But the fantasies are real and I think to deny them (as I'm sure many others do for their entire lives) is a mistake. It took me over thirty years to come to terms with the guilt and self-doubt associated with my own. So it's unlikely that sharing it with people I know would be a smart move. Most people who don't have a perverse, sexual fantasy (particularly a violent one) will struggle to separate the fantasy from the reality and will likely be unconvinced that I don't harbour real desires to inflict physical pain. The reality is, of course, precisely the opposite for the vast majority of us. I am completely clear in my own mind that I abhor all forms of physical violence - particularly when it is directed towards women. If I was ever confronted with such a situation in reality, I know that I would do everything in my power to stop it or prevent it.
I believe this forum to be a safe space in which to express and share such fantasies. I hope doing so can help you reach some closure for yourself.
 
Wow! This is such a revelation to find so many kindred spirits. Yes dear Brambleberry-Rose I feel like you troubled at my love for crucified men and women and deeply ashamed when I go to church. Am I trivialising the terrible sufferings of CHrist? I feel I am the most revolting person on earth, so why do I continue to look at such things?
Sometimes, in guilt ridden dispair, I have even deleted every one of my images of crux, whipping and torture only to frantically recover them a few days later with special software. Sad or what?

The fact is I am totally enthralled by the perfect form of the human body, especially women (old and young). As soon as I see their bodies displayed, virtually naked being whipped, hanging from a cross or being stretched out on a cruel device, I am captivated by their vulnerability and want to be them! I yearn to suffer the same abuse.

This is of course pure fantasy for me as I am sure if I was put on a rack, the first few clicks of the ratchet would soon have me in bits. So its all a dream but one that keeps me happy that I can inhabit this alter world where anything is possible. I am still exploring the possibilities, helped by the inspiration I get from our artists at CF.
Thanks to you all.
 
I don't draw crucifixion scenes of females, but I wrote a few stories with that theme. And a whole lot more stories with women in horible situations. I love reading and writing those stories, for as long as I can remember, and yet I always felt shame and guilt about it. I despise misogyny in real life, but my head and my dick don't seem to correspond with each other. Sometimes it isn't sufficient to say it's only fantasy and therefor harmless fun. Sometimes I fear fantasy can feed misogyny and I would really hate it if my stories had that effect. That's also one of the reasons why I sometimes take a long break from wiritng and why the bad guys in my stories often end even worse than the women they abuse. To ease my conscience. I know, it's lame. But I feel much more understood on this forum than anywhere else.
 
williej said:
I also believe this is absolutely the right place to open up about your fantasy @Brambleberry-Rose.
My own fantasy, which is the flagellation of women - particularly their breasts, is at least as disconcerting and guilt-ridden as yours.
The roots of these fantasies of ours are diverse, complex and difficult to fathom. Mine certainly goes back to events in early childhood, though I have not been able to identify specific experiences which may have triggered it. But the fantasies are real and I think to deny them (as I'm sure many others do for their entire lives) is a mistake. It took me over thirty years to come to terms with the guilt and self-doubt associated with my own. So it's unlikely that sharing it with people I know would be a smart move. Most people who don't have a perverse, sexual fantasy (particularly a violent one) will struggle to separate the fantasy from the reality and will likely be unconvinced that I don't harbour real desires to inflict physical pain. The reality is, of course, precisely the opposite for the vast majority of us. I am completely clear in my own mind that I abhor all forms of physical violence - particularly when it is directed towards women. If I was ever confronted with such a situation in reality, I know that I would do everything in my power to stop it or prevent it.
I believe this forum to be a safe space in which to express and share such fantasies. I hope doing so can help you reach some closure for yourself.
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Same here. I'm all for violence in video games, art, and other forms of fiction, but in real life I despise violence against anyone, especially women.
 
After this thread, I think I've finally reached the point where I don't give a f*** what people think about my crux art. It's a unique quirk, I enjoy it, and I'm good at it. Anyone who unwatches or blocks me because of it don't matter; they never supported me anyway.
 
Used to be ashamed of my fetish (primarily hangings of women but also general bondage / peril) after discovering Dolcett's artwork back in the day and I wrestled with my conscience about it quite a lot. Nowadays, older, if not necessarily wiser in the same ratio, I have accepted that it's a part of me. And I don't consider it to be any more harmful than any other kink, as long as there's a firm separation between fantasy and reality. A lot of time in my fantasies, the women who get hanged are essentially cast into a "role", like in a cartoon or a movie, so there's no wishing of violence but in the fantasy the victim plays out their part, just like in a hero fantasy the bad guys are gunned down. But my fantasies are often more about the "peril" and scene than straight up necrophilia or outright sadism or wanting to see suffering for the sake of suffering.

That said, I choose,like with any fetish, (because it's not my only fetish or kink) to not push my fetish on people who don't wish to be involved or find out, but I'm also not going to be apologetic about it if someone finds out or comes across it in a fetish or fetish-related space. Even if I'm not ashamed of the fetish / fantasy, I also understand that the majority of people don't share it and it might come across as bizarre / mentally unwell. And honestly with some crazed sex killers out there, I don't necessarily blame them if that's the only thing they knew about me. The output of some people sharing similar fetish in some other sites kinda comes out pretty unhinged sometimes even to me so uh, it is what it is.


I'm also happy to discover spaces like this with a bit more in-depth and more nuanced discussion.
 
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Brambleberry-Rose said:
After this thread, I think I've finally reached the point where I don't give a f*** what people think about my crux art. It's a unique quirk, I enjoy it, and I'm good at it. Anyone who unwatches or blocks me because of it don't matter; they never supported me anyway.
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Very glad to hear it!
 
Hope this thread isn’t dead yet lol. I have one more story for y’all.

I don’t remember how old I was when this happened but I was certainly young enough that my mother thought it appropriate to snatch a drawing I had made out of my hands while I was drawing it.

Pretty sure it was just a crucifixion of Jesus or something but no loincloth was there, and the reason as to why is because I borrowed a DVD from the library from the history channel about crucifixion so I could attain accuracy of knowing how it’s really done. Was surprised to find out that loincloths were not actually used and people were pinned to the cross completely naked. So that’s what I drew. Naked guy on a cross. Of course, when my mother had snatched it, I felt immensely guilty and worried she’d found out that my fixation for the condemned on a cross was not out of reverence for Jesus. But all she had to say was “Why do you know what that looks like?” And she was referring to the erect penis I had drawn. Countless images of erect penises on porn sites, is how. Duh. XD
 
My advice would be to rethink it completely. By that I mean this: instead of thinking about it as that you are insulting your religion by associating it with nude girls on the cross in an exploitative way, think of this, some asshole authority has crucified this poor girl and she is left indifferently to her suffering on the cross completely naked. But she is still alive and trying to cope and salvage some dignity. So you draw her, asking her first. Through her pain she agrees. But asking one thing: "Make me look beautiful. Make me look desirable. Make people believe that the cross didn't crush my spirit. Let them see me as having embraced it. Please. Make me look good despite being crucified." And you do. You use all of your skill to do her justice. You show her when you are finished and it eases her pain just a little. You feel that you have helped her somehow.
There you go. What do you think?
 
Crucified Life said:
My advice would be to rethink it completely. By that I mean this: instead of thinking about it as that you are insulting your religion by associating it with nude girls on the cross in an exploitative way, think of this, some asshole authority has crucified this poor girl and she is left indifferently to her suffering on the cross completely naked. But she is still alive and trying to cope and salvage some dignity. So you draw her, asking her first. Through her pain she agrees. But asking one thing: "Make me look beautiful. Make me look desirable. Make people believe that the cross didn't crush my spirit. Let them see me as having embraced it. Please. Make me look good despite being crucified." And you do. You use all of your skill to do her justice. You show her when you are finished and it eases her pain just a little. You feel that you have helped her somehow.
There you go. What do you think?
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It sounds so cute and romantic. Kinda wanna give her a kiss and say “You will be okay…” <3
 
CCG said:
Hope this thread isn’t dead yet lol. I have one more story for y’all.

I don’t remember how old I was when this happened but I was certainly young enough that my mother thought it appropriate to snatch a drawing I had made out of my hands while I was drawing it.

Pretty sure it was just a crucifixion of Jesus or something but no loincloth was there, and the reason as to why is because I borrowed a DVD from the library from the history channel about crucifixion so I could attain accuracy of knowing how it’s really done. Was surprised to find out that loincloths were not actually used and people were pinned to the cross completely naked. So that’s what I drew. Naked guy on a cross. Of course, when my mother had snatched it, I felt immensely guilty and worried she’d found out that my fixation for the condemned on a cross was not out of reverence for Jesus. But all she had to say was “Why do you know what that looks like?” And she was referring to the erect penis I had drawn. Countless images of erect penises on porn sites, is how. Duh. XD
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I have a similar story. I was probably about 5 when I drew a lot of basic crucifixions and other forms of torture. I have one picture where someone is being stabbed and sliced up, and my mother added arrows in pen and described it as someone “dying and going to heaven” because I explained to her that it was a Christian martyr.

But it’s totally fine and not at all damaging to introduce this imagery to young children…thanks, Christianity!
 
You are bringing back so many memories of drawings I have in my diary of a similar nature! Thank you. XD

JustJJ said:
I have a similar story. I was probably about 5 when I drew a lot of basic crucifixions and other forms of torture. I have one picture where someone is being stabbed and sliced up, and my mother added arrows in pen and described it as someone “dying and going to heaven” because I explained to her that it was a Christian martyr.

But it’s totally fine and not at all damaging to introduce this imagery to young children…thanks, Christianity!
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Also if anyone wants to see them, I know where my diary is rn. XD
 
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