Horny The Unicorn

[Barbaria1]

"Windar holding down one arm and Old Slave the other, and Tree sitting on her pelvis."

Geeeze ... held down by my three "buddies" ... might have known that Tree would be the one to plunk himself down on my pelvis of all places. Get off me you big dumb Missouri oaf!!!!!!!

 

[Wragg]

"Windar holding down one arm and Old Slave the other, and Tree sitting on her pelvis."

Geeeze ... held down by my three "buddies" ... might have known that Tree would be the one to plunk himself down on my pelvis of all places. Get off me you big dumb Missouri oaf!!!!!!!

With "buddies" like those....

 

[messaline]

that nothing short of a crowbar could get it out again.

Hum, crowbar in French is (litterary) "hint'foot" (pied de biche) ...... Pied de biche ???!!!

 

[Jollyrei]

My dear Lord Wragg:

It is my honour to inform you that I had, as a guest at my estates yesterday, your son Young Wragg. I was led to believe that he had fallen under influences that were detracting from his studies, including the friendship of my nephew, Jollyrei Minor. I am pleased to inform you that my nephew's cameradery was not the issue. Nevertheless, there was a marked lack of proper industry and dedication to most aspects of crux, to the point where the faculty had despaired of Young Wragg's ability to graduate.

As you can see, remedial action was required. Fortunately, I remain in close contact with Professors Pilus and de la Croix (Messaline sends her regards, and suggested she might pay you a visit soon) and a course of supplementary tutelage was devised that we felt would be most beneficial to your son. I was, you can imagine, quite keen on this action, given our time at the old alma mater ("Hammers down, nails in, raise them up now!").

But I digress. As you may recall, my stables contain a range of fine horses, slave girls, and other exotic creatures, including a splendid unicorn, named Horny, for a number of reasons which will be obvious to a man of your discernment. Young Wragg responded well to the goading provided by Horny, and was soon laying on with a whip in a manner that Professor de la Croix found most satisfactory. Indeed, I had never seen her experience such satisfaction quite so forcefully with a young man.

His next tutelage was provided by Horny and, it would seem, my wife. I think I will refrain from commentary on this aspect, except to say that my good lady indicated that he performed at or near top of his class.

My understanding is that Professor Rodent has now transported both Young Wragg and Horny to that most educational of times, the Roman quelling of the Iceni revolt, where one can only imagine that Young Wragg will continue to show splendid progress with Professor Tree, who is apparently spending his sabbatical there, (or is it "then"? I always find time travel tedious, gramattically). In short, it is my hope that Professor Pilus or I will be able to confirm Young Wragg's complete fulfillment of the course requirements for graduation.

I am certain that you will find this satisfactory and indeed a relief, considering the esteem in which we both hold the school, and your illustrious academic career. You can rest assured that the faculty are doing their utmost to ensure that Young Wragg (and indeed my own nephew) are a credit to their class and their families. Lady Thessela, as always sends her love and fondly hopes you will be able to visit us sometime in the spring. She would write a note herself, I'm sure, were she not somewhat indisposed at present, suspended as she is from her wrists in one of the lower chambers. I hope to learn a few things from her there later.

I remain, as always, your servant,

Lord Jollyrei - High Groaning

 

[Barbaria1]

My dear Lord Wragg:

It is my honour to inform you that I had, as a guest at my estates yesterday, your son Young Wragg. I was led to believe that he had fallen under influences that were detracting from his studies, including the friendship of my nephew, Jollyrei Minor. I am pleased to inform you that my nephew's cameradery was not the issue. Nevertheless, there was a marked lack of proper industry and dedication to most aspects of crux, to the point where the faculty had despaired of Young Wragg's ability to graduate.

As you can see, remedial action was required. Fortunately, I remain in close contact with Professors Pilus and de la Croix (Messaline sends her regards, and suggested she might pay you a visit soon) and a course of supplementary tutelage was devised that we felt would be most beneficial to your son. I was, you can imagine, quite keen on this action, given our time at the old alma mater ("Hammers down, nails in, raise them up now!").

But I digress. As you may recall, my stables contain a range of fine horses, slave girls, and other exotic creatures, including a splendid unicorn, named Horny, for a number of reasons which will be obvious to a man of your discernment. Young Wragg responded well to the goading provided by Horny, and was soon laying on with a whip in a manner that Professor de la Croix found most satisfactory. Indeed, I had never seen her experience such satisfaction quite so forcefully with a young man.

His next tutelage was provided by Horny and, it would seem, my wife. I think I will refrain from commentary on this aspect, except to say that my good lady indicated that he performed at or near top of his class.

My understanding is that Professor Rodent has now transported both Young Wragg and Horny to that most educational of times, the Roman quelling of the Iceni revolt, where one can only imagine that Young Wragg will continue to show splendid progress with Professor Tree, who is apparently spending his sabbatical there, (or is it "then"? I always find time travel tedious, gramattically). In short, it is my hope that Professor Pilus or I will be able to confirm Young Wragg's complete fulfillment of the course requirements for graduation.

I am certain that you will find this satisfactory and indeed a relief, considering the esteem in which we both hold the school, and your illustrious academic career. You can rest assured that the faculty are doing their utmost to ensure that Young Wragg (and indeed my own nephew) are a credit to their class and their families. Lady Thessela, as always sends her love and fondly hopes you will be able to visit us sometime in the spring. She would write a note herself, I'm sure, were she not somewhat indisposed at present, suspended as she is from her wrists in one of the lower chambers. I hope to learn a few things from her there later.

I remain, as always, your servant,

Lord Jollyrei - High Groaning

Wonderful. Really well done!

 

[Primus pilus]

She would write a note herself, I'm sure, were she not somewhat indisposed at present, suspended as she is from her wrists in one of the lower chambers. I hope to learn a few things from her there later.

And Professor Pilus is sure that Lord Jollyrei will learn much to his advantage......

though Pilus trusts that Lady Thessela won't be taken so far as to join the others to her left.

Lord Jollyrei does have a reputation as everyone knows......

 

[Jollyrei]

And Professor Pilus is sure that Lord Jollyrei will learn much to his advantage......
View attachment 458442
though Pilus trusts that Lady Thessela won't be taken so far as to join the others to her left.

Lord Jollyrei does have a reputation as everyone knows......

Ah, yes. The things everyone knows.
A little uncertainty does add spice to life, does it not?

 

[messaline]

My dear Lord Wragg:

It is my honour to inform .......

........I remain, as always, your servant,

Lord Jollyrei - High Groaning

What a courtly and sophisticated person ! Men like him are so rare in our times ...

 

[Repertor]

My dear Lord Wragg:

It is my honour to inform you that...

Wonderful. Really well done!

What a courtly and sophisticated person ! Men like him are so rare in our times ...

Bills, junk mail, catalogs. Our mailboxes are full of impersonal mail. It is rare to receive personal letters anymore. Rarely is there a letter from a friend just to talk or to tell something.
We have become so busy we don’t take time to really connect anymore. We have lost the art of letter writing.
Sending a personal letter can bring such encouragement to others. It is a simple act, but one that can have lasting effects.

 

[messaline]

 

[Madiosi]

Bills, junk mail, catalogs. Our mailboxes are full of impersonal mail. It is rare to receive personal letters anymore. Rarely is there a letter from a friend just to talk or to tell something.
We have become so busy we don’t take time to really connect anymore. We have lost the art of letter writing.
Sending a personal letter can bring such encouragement to others. It is a simple act, but one that can have lasting effects.
View attachment 458458

My last hand writing letters receive CV in the last year.

 

[Repertor]

My last hand writing letters receive CV in the last year.

Si je t'écris cette lettre
C'est que ce soir je me sens seul sans toi
Les yeux fixés à la fenêtre
Je rêve, je rêve je rêve je rêve de toi.

Si je t'écris cette lettre
C'est que j'entends mon voisin le musicien
Qui joue sans fin à la trompette
Cet air cet air cet air que tu aimes bien.

{Instrumental}

Si je t'écris cette lettre
C'est que mon cœur se sent gonflé d'amour
C'est pour te dire qu'au fond de mon être
Je t'aime, Je t'aime, Je t'aime, Je t'aime toujours.

------------------------------------------------------

If I write this letter
Is that tonight I feel lonely without you
Eyes fixed to the window
I dream, I dream I dream I dream of you.

If I write this letter
I hear my neighbour the musician
Who plays endlessly on the trumpet
That melody, that melody that melody that you like.

{Instrumental}

If I write this letter
It is because my heart feels swollen with love
It is to tell you that at the bottom of my being
I love you, I love you, I love you, I still love you.

 

[Wragg]

My dear Lord Wragg:

It is my honour to inform you that I had, as a guest at my estates yesterday, your son Young Wragg. I was led to believe that he had fallen under influences that were detracting from his studies, including the friendship of my nephew, Jollyrei Minor. I am pleased to inform you that my nephew's cameradery was not the issue. Nevertheless, there was a marked lack of proper industry and dedication to most aspects of crux, to the point where the faculty had despaired of Young Wragg's ability to graduate.

As you can see, remedial action was required. Fortunately, I remain in close contact with Professors Pilus and de la Croix (Messaline sends her regards, and suggested she might pay you a visit soon) and a course of supplementary tutelage was devised that we felt would be most beneficial to your son. I was, you can imagine, quite keen on this action, given our time at the old alma mater ("Hammers down, nails in, raise them up now!").

But I digress. As you may recall, my stables contain a range of fine horses, slave girls, and other exotic creatures, including a splendid unicorn, named Horny, for a number of reasons which will be obvious to a man of your discernment. Young Wragg responded well to the goading provided by Horny, and was soon laying on with a whip in a manner that Professor de la Croix found most satisfactory. Indeed, I had never seen her experience such satisfaction quite so forcefully with a young man.

His next tutelage was provided by Horny and, it would seem, my wife. I think I will refrain from commentary on this aspect, except to say that my good lady indicated that he performed at or near top of his class.

My understanding is that Professor Rodent has now transported both Young Wragg and Horny to that most educational of times, the Roman quelling of the Iceni revolt, where one can only imagine that Young Wragg will continue to show splendid progress with Professor Tree, who is apparently spending his sabbatical there, (or is it "then"? I always find time travel tedious, gramattically). In short, it is my hope that Professor Pilus or I will be able to confirm Young Wragg's complete fulfillment of the course requirements for graduation.

I am certain that you will find this satisfactory and indeed a relief, considering the esteem in which we both hold the school, and your illustrious academic career. You can rest assured that the faculty are doing their utmost to ensure that Young Wragg (and indeed my own nephew) are a credit to their class and their families. Lady Thessela, as always sends her love and fondly hopes you will be able to visit us sometime in the spring. She would write a note herself, I'm sure, were she not somewhat indisposed at present, suspended as she is from her wrists in one of the lower chambers. I hope to learn a few things from her there later.

I remain, as always, your servant,

Lord Jollyrei - High Groaning

Cruxton Abbey

31st January 2017
​

My Dearest Jollyrei,

I must say that your kind and considerate letter was dashed bracing; to be honest with you, Old Bean, I was getting rather rattled by the ominous silence from the direction of Cruxwails. Old Phlebas isn't normally noted for his reticence, especially not when he has something to brag about. I feared the worst, my dear fellow. I was considering getting into contact with Phlebas, and was planning to do so once my, er, visitor has departed. A lassie from the Northern Forest, I doubt you'd know her, but she knows the most frightfully entertaining Latin swear words!

Not to put too fine a point on it, however, I fear that my son and heir was becoming something of a wastrel. I mean to say, Eccles cakes? When you and I were at Cruxwails, did we sit around the common room eating Eccles cakes when there were young fillies about, all ready for the whip and the cross? Not us. By Jove, no. We did not cease from mental fright, nor did our whips sleep in our hands, till we had thrashed each one of them through England's green and pleasant land!

We didn't get where we are today, Jollyrei, my dear fellow, by lounging about munching Eccles' cakes. The young people of today just don't know they are born, what?

So, Horny the Unicorn, is it? An old wheeze of Prof Rodent's, if I remember rightly. But I fear your letter got a bit smudged in the blasted rain that my visitor from the Northern Forest brought with her, drat her, I could swear that you say that he's been 'educated' by Prof la Croix and Lady Jollyrei? On your land? I must say, you're being dashed civil about it, old boy. If I'd been you I'd have given him a damn good hiding.

And now Prof Rodent's carted him off to first century High Groaning? I've just looked in 'Jedakk's Cruxipaedia', and it says that Barbaria was crucified in High Groaning in AD 60, after they squashed Boudicca's revolt.

You don't suppose that's where he's gone?

I just hope and pray that she didn't have a headache at the time...

Take care, old boy, and do give my sincere regards to Lady Thessela.

I am, sir, sincerely yours

Despard Wragg Bart.
6th Earl of Cruxton

 

[Wragg]

Bills, junk mail, catalogs. Our mailboxes are full of impersonal mail. It is rare to receive personal letters anymore. Rarely is there a letter from a friend just to talk or to tell something.
We have become so busy we don’t take time to really connect anymore. We have lost the art of letter writing.
Sending a personal letter can bring such encouragement to others. It is a simple act, but one that can have lasting effects.
View attachment 458458

I have a fountain pen in my pocket at this very moment.

Just shows what an old fashioned git I am!

 

[Wragg]

My last hand writing letters receive CV in the last year.

She wouldn't have been able to read my writing

 

[Wragg]

Si je t'écris cette lettre
C'est que ce soir je me sens seul sans toi
Les yeux fixés à la fenêtre
Je rêve, je rêve je rêve je rêve de toi.

Si je t'écris cette lettre
C'est que j'entends mon voisin le musicien
Qui joue sans fin à la trompette
Cet air cet air cet air que tu aimes bien.

{Instrumental}

Si je t'écris cette lettre
C'est que mon cœur se sent gonflé d'amour
C'est pour te dire qu'au fond de mon être
Je t'aime, Je t'aime, Je t'aime, Je t'aime toujours.

------------------------------------------------------

If I write this letter
Is that tonight I feel lonely without you
Eyes fixed to the window
I dream, I dream I dream I dream of you.

If I write this letter
I hear my neighbour the musician
Who plays endlessly on the trumpet
That melody, that melody that melody that you like.

{Instrumental}

If I write this letter
It is because my heart feels swollen with love
It is to tell you that at the bottom of my being
I love you, I love you, I love you, I still love you.

Now THAT is one beautiful song!

 

[Madiosi]

I make often house visits and write the interviews with a fountain pen. (I buy me today two new.) I am the onlyst, who use a fountain pen in my organisation for that, i think.

 

[Wragg]

Story?

Oh! Yes! I almost forgot!



“OH GOD, PLEASE! I cannot stand this, PLEASE, can’t anybody understand me? It hurts SO MUCH!! PLEASE!!! Make this stop!”

“Ready, gentlemen?” enquired Wragg.

“When you are, sir,” replied Tree.

Old Slave and Windar grabbed her lower leg, and forced her heel up against the side of the cross. Barbaria knew perfectly well what they were doing.

“NO!!!! NOT THAT! LEAVE MY FEET! PLEASE!! NO!”

Wragg took no notice. With one swing of the mallet the nail was through her heel bone and deep into the cross, but Wragg knew that this had to be done quickly, the power of the leg was greater than that of the arm, and victims could pull nails out if they weren’t driven home smartly. Smart he was , and, deaf to the rage and cursing from above, he nailed first one heel and then the other to the cross.

He gave the cross an experimental shake, which drew more protests from above, then stood back to admire the fully crucified Rebel Leader. Very good she looked, too. Professor Tree would have been proud of him. Centurion Tree, certainly, seemed impressed.

“Nice work, sir!”

“Thank you!”

“Kill me! Please, have mercy! Please, just end this pain!”

Wragg drew his sword. “With this? Shall I kill you with this?”

“NOW! Kill me now!”

He gently traced the outline of her left breast with the tip of the sword, stroking her nipple until, despite her pain and humiliation, her nipples engorged in tumid arousal.

“Hey, would you look at that!” Wragg observed, with a smile. “She’s enjoying herself! I couldn’t kill her while she’s enjoying herself!”

He turned his back on her and walked away, deaf to her curses.

“BASTAAAARD!!”

Wragg was puzzled by the appearance of some books. RR was examining one closely.

“Professor Rodent, what are these tomes?”

“These are the Chronicles of Crux, and here is the latest. ‘The Chronicle of Horny the Unicorn.’”

“Really? How interesting! Who wrote them?”

“DAMN YOU, WRAGG!” Barbaria wasn’t through cursing him yet. Wragg ignored her.

RR looked closer. “I think you did!”

“Me?”

“It says ‘Wragg’ here.”

“But, how?”

“Have Unicorn, will time travel,” winked RR.

“MAY ALL THE DEVILS IN HELL CONSUME YOUR LIVER!”

“Wait!” Wragg still wasn’t listening to Barbaria. He pointed to the book with his sword. “What’s this about devils?”

“Look out, Wragg!” whinnied Horny, “Barbaria is a witch!”



Wragg whirled around, and grotesque beings were advancing upon him from all directions, pure hatred in their eyes. And not just Wragg, a zombie was approaching Tree, wrists still pierced, swearing revenge for her crucifixion.

Some creature that was a cross between a fish and a frog launched itself off the Chronicles and landed on his shoulder.

“Oh, Fuck!” said Wragg, brushing it off again.

“Kill him!” bawled Barbaria, “Kill Wragg! Kill them all! And then get me down!”

Horny was going after a goblin with his horn, Wragg tried to spear a couple of them with his sword, but a sword was of no use against such unearthly beings. He threw the sword down in disgust, and whipped out his wand.

“Tumescence!”

There were puffs of purple smoke all over the place, and each and every devil was replaced by a small, golden, sugar-coated dome. Horny even had one impaled on his horn.

High on her cross, Barbaria groaned in defeated despair.

Wragg smiled happily. “Eccles cake, anyone?”

 

[Loxuru]

He gave the cross an experimental shake, which drew more protests from above,

A good, but unfortunatey rarely applied measure to check the quality of the work!

 

[Barbaria1]

deaf to the rage and cursing from above

more protests from above

He turned his back on her and walked away, deaf to her curses. “BASTAAAARD!!”

“DAMN YOU, WRAGG!” Barbaria wasn’t through cursing him yet.

“MAY ALL THE DEVILS IN HELL CONSUME YOUR LIVER!”

“Kill Wragg! Kill them all! And then get me down!”

This episode is an outrage! I protest! You make me sound like a complainer and a bitch!

Very good she looked, too

Well, that line is an improvement

“Tumescence!”

THAT WORD!!!!! I curse the day someone introduced it to CF. Let me see now, who was that?

OH! Now I remember!!!!!