5.
My eyes flew open in shock. Even so, I beat Jollyrei to it.
“Miss Fortesc….Barbaria?”
I glanced at Barb, who was staring at Jeeves with a look that would have reduced most men to a quivering heap of jelly. Jeeves, however, is not ‘most men.’
“Indeed so, sir. Miss Fortescue-Phipps had been informed that Mr Threepwood might be feeling a bit below par the next day, and it was suggested to her that he might appreciate a call from her. ‘To buck him up’, I believe the expression is, sir.
“Mr Threepwood was indeed glad to see her, and by that hour of the afternoon, felt equal to taking tea with her. Mr Repertor was privileged to wait on them on that occasion…..”
******************
“Barb, old girl, it’s so kind of you to pop round to see a poor old invalid in his time of trial. The trouble with Bertie is that he just doesn’t know when to stop. Sugar?”
“One, please, Freddie.”
Freddie motioned to Repertor, who stepped forward with a pair of sugar tongs, and carefully added a cube to Barb’s tea. She stirred it absent-mindedly. “How’s Thess?”
“Oh, she’s fine, I think. We don’t see her much. She spends a lot of time with Jollyrei and that Australian friend of his.”
“Phlebas?”
“That’s the chap.”
“He’s fabulously rich, you know. He owns a massive sheep farm in Australia. Size of Wales, so they say.”
“Really?”
“Indeed. Poor Jollyrei, losing most of his estate like that to the taxman.”
“Blasted taxmen. They should hang the lot of them!”
“I know. They have no scruples. Still, as far as Thess and Jollyrei are concerned, I’m sure the whipping makes up for any pecuniary disadvantages.”
“Whipping? As in 'thrashing'? What on earth are you talking about?”
“Oh, didn’t you hear? Jolly and Thess went to a notorious BDSM club in Soho. Mlle Messaline’s. Had a wonderful time, so I heard. I gather Jolly is pretty natty with a whip.”
The muscles around Freddie’s jaw appeared to have given up the ghost. He looked at Barb with his mouth wide open. There was a long silence, before he eventually regained a measure of control.
“But….but… that’s disgraceful! That scallywag Jollyrei dragging my poor innocent sister off to a place like that? And actually taking a whip to her? I’m disgusted. I didn’t think he’d harm a hair of her head. And now you tell me he's tanning her hide just for sport? The swine! It’s very decent of you to let me know, Barb! I must tell Mother! That rat Jollyrei can forget any thought of marrying my dearest sister!”
“Freddie?”
“What?”
“Don’t say that I told you, there’s a good chap. Say that Bertie let on, last night. He was there, with Jollyrei, you see.”
“Bertie was there? And he never told me? This just gets worse! The cad! The utter bounder! I thought he was my pal! Yes, of course, your secret’s safe with me!”
So Freddie departed at speed to seek an audience with Lady Threepwood, and Repertor collected Barb’s parasol and jacket and showed her out. It was only Repertor that noted her crafty smile.
******************
As Jeeves finished his narrative, utter silence reigned around Cumfillin Castle. Then Barb, red-faced, broke the silence. “Jeeves! How could you?”
“I feared that a grave injustice was about to be committed upon the person of Mr Wragg, Miss.”
“But, our plan was working so well, and now you’ve gone and ruined it!”
My head was spinning. Jollyrei, too, seemed to be out of his depth.
But Aunt Eulalia had caught on instantly. She’s like Jeeves, eats lots of fish. Did I mention the salmon?
“Are you burning a candle for Lord Jollyrei, Barb? I heard about his wrist action from Messaline herself. And it takes a lot to impress Messaline.”
Barb’s face had turned even redder. “Oh, Eul, the very thought makes me go weak at the knees.”
She rushed over to Jollyrei. “Jolly, yes! I admit it! Jeeves is absolutely right. I haven’t been able to get the thought of you out of my head since that night in Soho! And now I’ve been such a naughty girl! Please, please, won’t you take me down to Eulalia’s dungeon and give me the damn good thrashing that I deserve?”
“What about me?” I said, “You nearly got me horsewhipped!”
“Not you, Bertie, you ass! You couldn’t whip up an omelette! No! Only you, Jolly, only you can give me the punishment I deserve!”
For the first time since I’d arrived, Jollyrei smiled. In fact, his face lit up with a grin that signified a truly contented man. He and Barb disappeared into the castle. Moments later, the castle rang with the sounds of ecstatic shrieks from the dungeon.
I sighed, and looked at McWindar. “Any chance of a lift back to the station? I don’t think Lord J will require your services for a bit.”
But Aunt Eulalia was having none of it. “You’re going nowhere, Bertie! I invited you here to stay, and stay you shall. Mlle Messaline was also impressed by someone else’s prowess that evening. Come along, Jeeves, I have work for you!”
“Very good, Milady. Excuse me, sir.”
She and Jeeves disappeared, and soon the volume from below increased still further. McWindar went off with Barb’s maid, and I was left by myself in the castle gardens.
I lit a cigarette. ‘La donna e mobile,’ I reflected.
And valets aren’t much better.
THE END
Hmmmmm ... give me a few seconds to compile my list ... ummm ... actually I am going to need more than a few ... it's getting kinda long.
Oh, wait. Gentlemen don't discuss those things.
I suspect we'll be a while. 
