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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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Livonia had been writhing away in agony for an hour on her Saint Andrew's Cross before a laughing Roman General, who decided to get in a jeer.

"Hanging in there, Lavonia?"

"Li-li-Livonia"

"Huh?"

"My name is Livonia...not Lavonia..."

The smile vanishes off of the Roman General's face. He snaps his fingers and his aide comes to him with a parchment. The Roman General looks at the parchment, looks at Livonia, looks back down at the parchment, looks back up at Livonia.

"Oh, shit! It looks like we crucified the wrong one! My bad, Livonia!"
 
A woman is about to be crucified. She sees the Roman legionnaire in charge of her crucifixion has a gentle, sympathetic face.

"Please!" she begs the Legionnaire, "Please...I know you have to do this...but, please, can you show some humanity?"

"Sure...I've done this plenty of times before. They all go quick. In fact, let me expedite your...process...Corporal, get me that Saint Andrew's Cross...Ma'am, Saint Andrew's crosses are more efficient that way."

An hour later, the woman is writhing away on the Saint Andrew's Cross, bound and not nailed. But the indescribable agony of gravity and her weight bearing down on her crotch as their focal points prevents her from appreciating the fact of not being nailed.

"I...thought you said...this was more efficient..."

"It's supposed to be.

"Wha-wha-waddafuck...do you mean 'supposed to be?' I...thought you said you did this plenty of time before..."

"You mean, like, in real life? No, sorry about that. I did this many times before...while visualising during my whack-off sessions."
 
A woman is writhing away on the Saint Andrew's Cross. She sees her crucifier lustily stroking and fondling his member, getting his jollies at her predicament.

"P..PIG!" she exclaims.

"Oh," replies the crucifier, "That's not nice...I was working up my boner to stick it in you and take some pressure of yor crotch..."

"Yeah...right...your little wee-wee taking pressure off of my crotch..."

The crucifier drops trou. Even in all her agony, the woman has to admit that he has the biggest, longest, stiffest, hardest dick she ever saw in her life. Just as she begins to appreciate it, her crucifier interrupts.

"...but, if all I'm going to get for trying be nice is insulted, I might as well just cum on your face and then go looking for the sports pages."

"No! No! No! Stick it in me!"

"What's the magic word?"

"Please..."

"No, I meant that magic word apologsing for what you just said about my 'wee-wee'"

"That's...two words."

"Okay, if you want to be a smartass, you can just hang in there. Its playoff time and I missed a good game crucifying you."

"I'm...s-sorry..."

"Good girl!"

The crucifier sticks his dick into the woman. She finds he is right. His large stiff dick does relieve some of the weight and gravity...it also evokes something else in her...

"C'mon, don't cum now! If you cum, I'll come...my dick will lose pressure and no longer hold you up."

The woman's agony is now magnified a thousand fold. Not only does she sill have a lot of weight and gravity bearing down on her crotch to deal with, but now, she also has to force 90% of her energy fighting herself, fighting her body's powerful urge to cum with her labia squeezing his dick until he comes.

The crucifier does not make it easy for her. He kisses her cheek, licks and sucks her nipples, tells her how beautiful she is. When she curses him out, he threatens to withdraw, which forces an apology, adding the psychological humiliation of degradation to all her other agonies.

Finally, she can hold herself no more and she comes in an explosive supernova of an orgasm.

She wakes up, wrists and ankles bound loosely to a bed. She feels dazed, realising that she has been given a painkiller.

"Morning, sunshine!" her curcifier says.

The woman looks at him begrudgingly.

"Thank you...for being so...merciful."

"No need to thank me."

"Huh?

"I popped a viagra before stroking off in front of you. Even after you came, my hard-on lasted for an hour."

The woman makes to leap off the bed and claw out her crucifier's eyes, the ropes bound to her wrists and ankles pulling her back and magnifying her impotent rage. The crucifier smiles and walks away. The woman continues to thrash about about free herself from her bindings, failing each time. But with each frustrated, rage-enhancing attempt, a strange but not unwelcome sensation develops in her crotch. Each time, it becomes more and more powerful, until she supernovas into another orgams and passes out.

From that moment on, all the woman has to do is think of that time and, seconds later, her body and the walls and air around her are rocked by a powerful orgasm.
 
A man has a small veggie garden and his tomatoes are doing poorly. He glances over the fence to his neighbors yard and sees that his plants have full firm fruit. That night he sees his neighbor standing in front of the plants mooning them. He waits and after the lights are out at the neighbors ... he does the same to his garden. Within days of doing this every night, the tomatoes have grown plump and firm.

One day as he is watering ... the neighbor on the other side notices how have nice his tomatoes are doing and asks him what his secret is.

He explains how he saw the other neighbor mooning his garden and as ridiculous as it sounds he tried it and it worked.

So that night the neighbor waits for his lights to go out and mooned her garden just like he told her.

A week or so went by and they met on the street. He asked how her tomatoes were doing. She said ...

NOT MUCH BETTER BUT THE CUCUMBERS ARE HUGE!!!!!!!!!

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