sympazero2
Cruciformae Studiosus
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road
and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: Skidmarks in front of the snake.
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Now This Just Isn't Funny
- Thread starter admihoek
- Start date
mymartinet
R.I.P. Dominus Flagelli
Why did God create Adam before Eve?
To give him a chance to speak!
To give him a chance to speak!
sympazero2
Cruciformae Studiosus
My favourite Karnak (Johnny Carson's famous answer/question character):
Answer: "Sinbad"
Question: "Summarize the bible."
Answer: "Sinbad"
Question: "Summarize the bible."
You'll have heard this Melissa, it's a Sheffield joke:
A man in Barnsley buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again,
does his thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.
No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."
A man in Barnsley buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again,
does his thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.
No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."
Mel's last picture posted jenet05 seems to enjoy the jokes less than being crucified...
T
T
Scottish Free Kirk sermon:
Noo the souls o' the unrighteous damned lie in the fiery pit of Hell,
and they cry unto the Lord in their dreadful agony and pain,
and say unto him, "Lord, Lord, we didna ken, we didna ken!"
And the Lord, in His infinite mercy and grace
looketh doon upon the souls of the unrighteous damned
in the fiery pit of Hell,
and sayeth unto them
"WEEL YE KEN NOO!"
Scarborough, AD 800.
A Viking longship sweeps into the Bay,
and within minutes it reaches the beach,
out leaps the Jarl waving his sword, he yells the command,
"Burn!"
and his men race up the beach to set the town ablaze.
Minutes later, a second longship arrives,
glides majestically up to the sand,
out leaps the Jarl waving his sword, he yells the command,
"Pillage!"
and his men hurtle up the shingle, eager for loot.
Half an hour later, a third longship limps into the Bay,
struggles slowly and painfully through the waves,
and eventually grinds ashore,
out leaps the Jarl waving his sword ...
"Oh no!" groan the clapped-out crew,
"Not bloody rape again!"
![160521755c2ba664861c9f9397f6c813037ac80b[1].jpg](/xf/data/attachments/47/47624-1dd06036f1dbfc6af36d9fffba4a723d.jpg)
sympazero2
Cruciformae Studiosus
Still chills to the bone...
(Fair fa' yer honest sonsie etc, quine, but 'at's quite enough o' that!)
P.S. I'd just picked up my bespoke Guards uniform at the tailor and suddenly I'm promoted again?? You people can certainly turn a girl's head!
BTW - 'Assistant Executioner'? Does that mean I assist the Executioner or execute the Assistants?
Subhunt
Governor
Three men were talking. One was a Baptist, one was a Catholic, and one was a polygamist. The Baptist spoke first. "My wife and I had four children. If we only had one more child, we could have had our own basketball team". The Catholic spoke next. "My wife and I have 10 children. If we have one more child, we can have our own football team". The polygamist spoke last. "I have eight wives. After I get my ninth wife, I can have my own Golf Course".
sympazero2
Cruciformae Studiosus
This is a picture of Madonna contemplating the end of her career.
(Well I thought it was funny!)
sympazero2
Cruciformae Studiosus
You want jokes? I got your jokes right here!
Here are the Top Ten jokes as voted by 3000 people who heard them at this year's Edinburgh Festival:
1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis
2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine
3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh
4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett
5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner
6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine
7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold
8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis
9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders
10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar
Here are the Top Ten jokes as voted by 3000 people who heard them at this year's Edinburgh Festival:
1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis
2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine
3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh
4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett
5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner
6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine
7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold
8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis
9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders
10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar
A Rabbi a preast and a pastor walk into a bar...the bartender looks at them and says "What is this...a joke????"
Memo to Madonna...Cheerleader try outs were 35 years ago,let's grow up shall we!!!!
A couple more for Melissa and Julie:
Q What's the difference between Sheffield United and The Hanging Tree?
A Tree wouldn't throw away his last four matches!
Q Why did they put Jesus on the Cross?
A Because there wasn't room for him on the Manor.
(ref. Parson Cross and Manor Estate, two of Sheffield's [in]famous public housing schemes)
Q What's the difference between Sheffield United and The Hanging Tree?
A Tree wouldn't throw away his last four matches!
Q Why did they put Jesus on the Cross?
A Because there wasn't room for him on the Manor.
(ref. Parson Cross and Manor Estate, two of Sheffield's [in]famous public housing schemes)
Fantasmo
Senator
Fantasmo
Senator
That reminds me of the day when I almost drove into the ditch! I was driving in th US (I think it was Florida) and saw a sign for a Golf course: "Tantra Golf Resort, 18 holes"
Oh well...
