Chapter 7: Old Slave
Wragg watched with utter astonishment as the purple squirrel operated Marcella’s workstation with at least as much dexterity and competence as Marcella herself.
A website appeared on the screen: TUFTYBOOK: For Squirrels frequenting planet Earth'
“’Tuftybook?’ I’ve never heard of it…. I didn’t know squirrels used the internet?”
“Evidently there’s a lot you don’t know about squirrels. Now shush!” said RR, “I’m busy.”
In seconds he’d joined the biggest groups and had about a million friends. Then he opened another screen, and began typing ‘PURPLE SLUGS: The 100% satisfying nutritional package for you and your kits! FREE!’
He looked at Siss, “I don’t suppose you’d be up for stripping off to advertise the merits of Purple Slugs to squirrelkind, would you?”
She glared at him. “You ‘don’t suppose’ correctly. I shall do no such thing! Besides, I’m busy trying to see to it that Marcella and Yupar might be able to walk again!”
“Hum.” He thought for a moment, then downloaded an image of Barb, still struggling on her cross over on Angelus Mortus. He amended his advert. ‘FREE WHERE YOU SEE THIS SIGN!’
Siss was glaring at the screen, hands on hips, frowning. But RR was unrepentant. “Sex sells, dear girl. Oldest trick in the book.” He uploaded his ad, and hit ‘enter.’
In 60 seconds he had 100 views. A minute later, 972. In five minutes it passed the half-million mark, as it was ‘liked’ and ‘shared’ by squirrels around the world. “Great,” he said. “Gone viral. That’s the ‘Barb’ effect for you!”
Wragg had been so mesmerised by watching RR that he hadn’t spotted the comms light flashing from the transporter bay. He pressed the button. “Transporter Room, Bridge!”
The Ship’s Engineer, known to all as ‘Old Slave’, appeared on the screen.
“Captain! Thank God ye answered! There’s a load of idiots trying to batter down my door! Say they want to fulfil my deepest fantasies!”
“It looks to me,” said Wragg, “as though you’ve fulfilled them already! Who are those two gorgeous naked women?”
“What? Oh! Aye! This is Velut Luna, from Italy, and Thessela, from the Angelus Mortus. I beamed them aboard. D’ye ken they were going to be crucified?”
“Really? I never would have guessed.” Thessela for one, looked deeply disappointed.
“Captain! They’ll be through that door in a minute!”
Wragg thought fast. “Old Slave! You need to beam up every squirrel you can find from Earth! At least a hundred of them!”
“Squirrels? Captain? Are ye out of ye’re mind?”
“Just do it, man!”
Wragg bit his knuckles as he watched Old Slave fiddling with the controls. That door wouldn’t last much longer, and then Thessela and Velut Luna would soon end up crucified anyway. So, for that matter, would Old Slave. Mind you, being crucified in such company would have its compensations.
The door burst open, and Jollyrei, Hondoboot, and about thirty others poured through the door.
“Thessela!” exclaimed Jollyrei. “At last! I’ve been looking for you!”
Old Slave threw the lever over an instant before he was seized by Jollyrei’s crew. There was a bright glow from the transporter bay, suddenly there were at least five hundred squirrels in the room.
The noise, and the chaos, was unbelievable. Jollyrei and Hondoboot disappeared beneath a seething mass of squirrels as they fought for possession of the purple slugs on the backs of their heads. It was clear to the watching Wragg that earth-bound squirrels prized purple slug as a delicacy far higher than RR did, although that may have been just the result of RR’s hype.
Eventually, calm was restored, and apart from the odd scratch or bitten ear (Jollyrei’s in particular, and loudly did he protest) the only casualties were the purple slugs, all of which were in sciuridan digestive systems by close of play.
Marcella, bravely refusing further treatment, sat at her workstation, wrapped in a blanket, guiding Old Slave to the purple slug hotspots on earth below, and he spent a happy hour or two beaming squirrels to where they were needed.
He beamed Jollyrei, Siss, two robots, and the Racing Rodent over to the bridge of the Angelus Mortus. RR scuttled up Barb’s body and munched the slug personally, and Siss ministered to her wounds, emotional and physical, while Jollyrei poured apologies over them both.
Wragg, Repertor and Hondoboot went on foot to the Virgin Martyr to rescue Eulalia, where they got a tongue lashing for their trouble nearly as painful as Eulalia’s own wounds.
Thus ended the dreadful Battle of the Purple Slugs, won by a resourceful ship’s doctor, a brave communications officer, a ship’s engineer who kept calm under immense pressure, and a very intelligent purple squirrel from the planet Wolf 1061d.
And so, gentle reader, if you should observe a squirrel in your garden, be nice to him. Feed him with nuts and try to look after him. For you never can tell. He or his kits might one day save you or your kits from a lingering, gruesome death!
THE END
The Rodents can get anything they like from the food replicators. If they don't want to, they never have to eat another slug in their lives.
That about sums it up Siss ... 
