• Sign up or login, and you'll have full access to opportunities of forum.

Now This Just Isn't Funny

Go to CruxDreams.com
Eulalia said:
Kipling's advice was simple and memorable:

WHEN the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,
He shouts to scare the monster, who will often turn aside.
But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail.
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male. :devil:
Click to expand...
Italics are hers :rolleyes:
 
The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond, Yorkshire.

The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red suspender belt, a pink G-string, a frilly bra, purple lipstick, and a ‘Corbyn for Prime Minister’ T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber up his arse.

The police removed the Corbyn T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.



(You may substitute any other male political figure and potential position for the phrase in italics.)
 
She woke up this morning feeling very horny

!wtf8951137l5x.jpg
 
Some time in early 2001, Bill and Hillary Clinton, freed from the presidential protocols, make a drive through the country.
At a gas station, Hillary starts a long chat with the owner.
When they drive away, Bill asks :
"You seem to know that guy?"
"Yes, Bill, he is a former boyfriend, from before the time I learned to know you. Nice guy!"
"Nice guy, maybe, " Bill Clinton replies, "but if you had continued with him, you were the wife of a gas station owner, in stead of having been First Lady for eight years."
"No Bill! If I had continued with him, HE would have been the 42nd president of the United States!"
 
Loxuru said:
Some time in early 2001, Bill and Hillary Clinton, freed from the presidential protocols, make a drive through the country.
At a gas station, Hillary starts a long chat with the owner.
When they drive away, Bill asks :
"You seem to know that guy?"
"Yes, Bill, he is a former boyfriend, from before the time I learned to know you. Nice guy!"
"Nice guy, maybe, " Bill Clinton replies, "but if you had continued with him, you were the wife of a gas station owner, in stead of having been First Lady for eight years."
"No Bill! If I had continued with him, HE would have been the 42nd president of the United States!"
Click to expand...
Very good ...... see my today's post in The Coffee Shop .........
 
Loxuru said:
Some time in early 2001, Bill and Hillary Clinton, freed from the presidential protocols, make a drive through the country.
At a gas station, Hillary starts a long chat with the owner.
When they drive away, Bill asks :
"You seem to know that guy?"
"Yes, Bill, he is a former boyfriend, from before the time I learned to know you. Nice guy!"
"Nice guy, maybe, " Bill Clinton replies, "but if you had continued with him, you were the wife of a gas station owner, in stead of having been First Lady for eight years."
"No Bill! If I had continued with him, HE would have been the 42nd president of the United States!"
Click to expand...

I wonder what Hillary thought of that?

Funny-Hillary.jpg

She thought it was a scream, Loxuru! :rolleyes:

Now, in the interests of political balance:



Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school one day.

In one of the classes, they’re in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asks Trump if he’d like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy.”

He agrees to do so and asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and says, “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says Trump, “That would be an accident.”

Next a little girl raises her hand and says, “If a school bus carrying forty children went off a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“No, I’m afraid not,” says Trump. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room goes silent for a while as no other children volunteer.

Trump looks around the room and says a little testily, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

At last, a little boy at the back of the class raises his hand and says, “If a private jet carrying you, Mr Trump, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” shouts Mr Trump, “That’s exactly right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “Because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
 
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.


My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol.


When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly on August 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder... The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club...
 
That reminds me, in an oblique way, of a Jewish joke:
Hymie comes out from a slap-up meal in Bloom's NY restaurant,
a schnorrer (a whining beggar) stops him:
Schnorrer: Sir, sir, I haven't eaten for four days...
Hymie: So then? Force yourself!
 
old slave said:
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.


My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol.


When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly on August 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder... The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club...
Click to expand...

You think he's joking, don't you?

My Grandfather barely knew where the kitchen was! :doh:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom