12.
“I hereby convene this evening’s meeting of the Cruxton Magistrates,” declared Lord @Wragg, thirteenth Earl of Cruxton. “We meet in special session tonight in the punishment room of Cruxton Abbey to determine the fate of the confessed witch, Barbara Moore. Let the record show that in attendance are the Magistrates, @Jollyrei, @old slave, @montycrusto and @twonines. The accused is of course present, as well, although bound naked to the sideboard having just undergone a thorough thrashing, which my wife, the Countess Wragg, charmingly refers to as an ‘entertainment’. Let the record also show that in attendance are my wife, the Countess Wragg, and the town Vicar, @Praefectus Praetorio. Also present is the executioner-for-hire, popularly known as the @thehangingtree and whom the Magistrates intend to engage contractually for tomorrow’s witch burning event. And, present as well are the two Cruxton staff members, @Kathy Newfie and @messaline de Fleure, who were recently given the inestimable honor of sharing the sideboard and enduring the Countess Wragg’s so-called entertainments alongside the confessed witch, Barbara Moore. Indeed, as a separate matter this evening, the Magistrates will also take up the question of whether to convict Miss Newfie and Mademoiselle de Fleur of witchery and condemn them to the pyre along with Miss Moore.”
“My husband can certainly be pompously long-winded, yawned the Countess, nudging the Vicar conspiratorially with her elbow.
“Yes, appears so. I see he’s already put Old Slave asleep,” agreed the Vicar.
“Are we needed any longer?” said @Harsh Martinet and @Loxuru in unison, both looking as though they’d dearly like to escape what promised to be a rather boring administrative session.
“No, please stay,” responded Wragg. “You’ll be needed to transport Miss Moore to the gaol when this is over, and perhaps the other two wenches as well.
“Time is wasting, let’s begin adjudicating,” said Montycrusto impatiently.
“Yes, the sooner we start, the sooner we’ll be able to depart,” agreed Twonines, philosophically.
“Right! First order of business then,” began Wragg, “is to rule on whether Miss Moore, having already confessed, is indeed guilty of witchery. All in favor say aye.”
Dejectedly I watched from where I lay trussed over the sideboard, as one by one the Magistrates indicated their assent … save for Old Slave who had to be awakened first.
“Tough luck,” said Kathy consolingly from where she lay alongside me.
“But, of course.” added Messaline. “Coupable tel qu'inculpé.”
“Second order of business,” continued Wragg, “is to rule on whether Miss Moore should be condemned to be burned at the stake. All in favor say aye.”
“Question!” cried Jollyrei, breaking in abruptly. “Would she be needing a casket?”
“Doubtful,” replied Wragg, with a wag of his head. “Now, show of hands. Splendid. Miss Moore, you are condemned to burn at the stake tomorrow. You will spend your last night in the town Gaol.”
“Oh Shit!” said I.
“Dear Lord, have mercy on her soul,” intoned the Vicar solemnly, head bowed in sorrow.
“And now we turn to the matter of Miss Kathy Newfie and Mademoiselle de Fleur. Do we Magistrates find them guilty of witchery as well?” said Wragg, with eyebrows raised in expectation.
“Don’t we need to torture them and extract a confession first?” cried out Martinet, obviously relishing the prospect of another opportunity to make use of a wooden horse.
“Properly so,” agreed Loxoru, showing rekindled interest in the proceedings.
“No time for that. It’s getting rather late, let’s just rule on their fate,” interjected Montycrusto.
Agreed, I see no need,” added Twonines.
“Then we vote,” said Wragg. “All in favor? … Excellent …Two more then for the stake and pyre! Martinet and Loxoru! You may now escort all three condemned to the gaol to be incarcerated for the night.”
“And drive them there through the streets with whips at the tail of the cart?”
“Do as you must, Martinet. We leave all that to the discretion of you and the Graf. Just don’t make too big a scene of it as it’s getting near curfew and for the sake of peace and quiet we mustn’t draw large rowdy crowds into the streets late at night.”
And so, as Martinet and Loxoru sprang eagerly to the task of freeing Kathy, Messaline and me from the punishment room sideboard and preparing us to depart for our last night in the Cruxton town gaol, Wragg and the Magistrates took up the evening’s last bit of business.
“Now, Mister Tree, I trust you have prepared a complete plan for tomorrow’s witch burning, as well as an estimate of your executioner’s fee?” began Wragg.
“I have, your holiness,” drawled Tree, blasting the startled Vicar, who happened to be nearest to him, with foul breath.
“Kindly address your remarks to me and the Magistrates, if you please, Mr. Tree. The good Vicar is merely a bystander in this matter.”
“Uh huh … Alright … I have here … somewhere … my professionally drafted plan … it’s somewhere … hmm … well, I had one ….” mumbled Tree as he ransacked the folds and crannies of his clothing.
“Just tell us about it,” snapped Wragg impatiently.
“Uh … right … we’ll, there will be three pyres of Arkansas pine set against three posts of Premium French Wood …”
“Wait! Stop right there. Just where does this so-called Arkansas pine come from?”
“Imported from somewhere overseas in the colonies. No one knows for sure exactly where on account of the fact that Arkansas hasn’t been discovered yet, but … no matter … the wood burns hot and fast … ideal for the purpose at hand.”
“I see. But here’s another issue. You indicated only three pyres and posts. Yet, we have more than three witches to burn. In addition to Miss Moore, Miss Newfie and Mademoiselle de Fleur, we have already, languishing in the town gaol, @Jackie1111 and @fat slave girl.”
“Sorry, gov, but the official executioner’s code says that witches may only be burned in multiples of three. If I add the the three wenches we have here to the two in the town gaol, that comes to …let’s see …
There was an extended pause while Tree attempted repeatedly to count on his fingers …
“That makes five,” offered Wragg impatiently..
“So it does,” agreed Tree. “Right. So I see two options then … one is that we burn three of them and hang the other two … or … you and your associates could come up with another witch by morning.”
“And, tell me. For what deviltry was Jackie condemned. She seemed such a good sort?” intervened the Vicar.
“She was found guilty of lewd dancing on the table tops at the Cruxton Arms pub,” replied Wragg with a smile of fond remembrance of her gyrating charms. “She simply could not be restrained, so we could only conclude she was possessed by the Devil.”
The Countess harrumphed and scowled.
“Pity,” observed the Vicar with a far away look as though he was trying to picture the Jackie he knew dancing nude on a table top. “And what about Miss Fatslavegirl? Surely, she’s not a witch. Why she attends services every Sunday without fail! Sits in the front pew, she does.”
“Guilty of repeatedly exposing herself in the public market and begging to be punished for it. Most peculiar. Demanding to be whipped at the post. All efforts to get her to desist failed.”
“Apparently the Devil has been hard at work in Cruxton and has indeed found fertile ground,” observed the Vicar. “But does not five rather than six condemned witches leave the Magistrates, as Mr Tree points out, with a problem?”
“Yes Vicar. It seems we have been presented with a problem and have no solution.”
“Well then, may I suggest we all bow our heads in prayer and ask for divine guidance.”
And so, as Martinet and Loxoru were busily hustling Kathy, Messaline and me out of the punishment room, the last thing I heard was the Vicar suddenly announcing to all present that he had a divinely inspired solution to suggest.
TBC
“I hereby convene this evening’s meeting of the Cruxton Magistrates,” declared Lord @Wragg, thirteenth Earl of Cruxton. “We meet in special session tonight in the punishment room of Cruxton Abbey to determine the fate of the confessed witch, Barbara Moore. Let the record show that in attendance are the Magistrates, @Jollyrei, @old slave, @montycrusto and @twonines. The accused is of course present, as well, although bound naked to the sideboard having just undergone a thorough thrashing, which my wife, the Countess Wragg, charmingly refers to as an ‘entertainment’. Let the record also show that in attendance are my wife, the Countess Wragg, and the town Vicar, @Praefectus Praetorio. Also present is the executioner-for-hire, popularly known as the @thehangingtree and whom the Magistrates intend to engage contractually for tomorrow’s witch burning event. And, present as well are the two Cruxton staff members, @Kathy Newfie and @messaline de Fleure, who were recently given the inestimable honor of sharing the sideboard and enduring the Countess Wragg’s so-called entertainments alongside the confessed witch, Barbara Moore. Indeed, as a separate matter this evening, the Magistrates will also take up the question of whether to convict Miss Newfie and Mademoiselle de Fleur of witchery and condemn them to the pyre along with Miss Moore.”
“My husband can certainly be pompously long-winded, yawned the Countess, nudging the Vicar conspiratorially with her elbow.
“Yes, appears so. I see he’s already put Old Slave asleep,” agreed the Vicar.
“Are we needed any longer?” said @Harsh Martinet and @Loxuru in unison, both looking as though they’d dearly like to escape what promised to be a rather boring administrative session.
“No, please stay,” responded Wragg. “You’ll be needed to transport Miss Moore to the gaol when this is over, and perhaps the other two wenches as well.
“Time is wasting, let’s begin adjudicating,” said Montycrusto impatiently.
“Yes, the sooner we start, the sooner we’ll be able to depart,” agreed Twonines, philosophically.
“Right! First order of business then,” began Wragg, “is to rule on whether Miss Moore, having already confessed, is indeed guilty of witchery. All in favor say aye.”
Dejectedly I watched from where I lay trussed over the sideboard, as one by one the Magistrates indicated their assent … save for Old Slave who had to be awakened first.
“Tough luck,” said Kathy consolingly from where she lay alongside me.
“But, of course.” added Messaline. “Coupable tel qu'inculpé.”
“Second order of business,” continued Wragg, “is to rule on whether Miss Moore should be condemned to be burned at the stake. All in favor say aye.”
“Question!” cried Jollyrei, breaking in abruptly. “Would she be needing a casket?”
“Doubtful,” replied Wragg, with a wag of his head. “Now, show of hands. Splendid. Miss Moore, you are condemned to burn at the stake tomorrow. You will spend your last night in the town Gaol.”
“Oh Shit!” said I.
“Dear Lord, have mercy on her soul,” intoned the Vicar solemnly, head bowed in sorrow.
“And now we turn to the matter of Miss Kathy Newfie and Mademoiselle de Fleur. Do we Magistrates find them guilty of witchery as well?” said Wragg, with eyebrows raised in expectation.
“Don’t we need to torture them and extract a confession first?” cried out Martinet, obviously relishing the prospect of another opportunity to make use of a wooden horse.
“Properly so,” agreed Loxoru, showing rekindled interest in the proceedings.
“No time for that. It’s getting rather late, let’s just rule on their fate,” interjected Montycrusto.
Agreed, I see no need,” added Twonines.
“Then we vote,” said Wragg. “All in favor? … Excellent …Two more then for the stake and pyre! Martinet and Loxoru! You may now escort all three condemned to the gaol to be incarcerated for the night.”
“And drive them there through the streets with whips at the tail of the cart?”
“Do as you must, Martinet. We leave all that to the discretion of you and the Graf. Just don’t make too big a scene of it as it’s getting near curfew and for the sake of peace and quiet we mustn’t draw large rowdy crowds into the streets late at night.”
And so, as Martinet and Loxoru sprang eagerly to the task of freeing Kathy, Messaline and me from the punishment room sideboard and preparing us to depart for our last night in the Cruxton town gaol, Wragg and the Magistrates took up the evening’s last bit of business.
“Now, Mister Tree, I trust you have prepared a complete plan for tomorrow’s witch burning, as well as an estimate of your executioner’s fee?” began Wragg.
“I have, your holiness,” drawled Tree, blasting the startled Vicar, who happened to be nearest to him, with foul breath.
“Kindly address your remarks to me and the Magistrates, if you please, Mr. Tree. The good Vicar is merely a bystander in this matter.”
“Uh huh … Alright … I have here … somewhere … my professionally drafted plan … it’s somewhere … hmm … well, I had one ….” mumbled Tree as he ransacked the folds and crannies of his clothing.
“Just tell us about it,” snapped Wragg impatiently.
“Uh … right … we’ll, there will be three pyres of Arkansas pine set against three posts of Premium French Wood …”
“Wait! Stop right there. Just where does this so-called Arkansas pine come from?”
“Imported from somewhere overseas in the colonies. No one knows for sure exactly where on account of the fact that Arkansas hasn’t been discovered yet, but … no matter … the wood burns hot and fast … ideal for the purpose at hand.”
“I see. But here’s another issue. You indicated only three pyres and posts. Yet, we have more than three witches to burn. In addition to Miss Moore, Miss Newfie and Mademoiselle de Fleur, we have already, languishing in the town gaol, @Jackie1111 and @fat slave girl.”
“Sorry, gov, but the official executioner’s code says that witches may only be burned in multiples of three. If I add the the three wenches we have here to the two in the town gaol, that comes to …let’s see …
There was an extended pause while Tree attempted repeatedly to count on his fingers …
“That makes five,” offered Wragg impatiently..
“So it does,” agreed Tree. “Right. So I see two options then … one is that we burn three of them and hang the other two … or … you and your associates could come up with another witch by morning.”
“And, tell me. For what deviltry was Jackie condemned. She seemed such a good sort?” intervened the Vicar.
“She was found guilty of lewd dancing on the table tops at the Cruxton Arms pub,” replied Wragg with a smile of fond remembrance of her gyrating charms. “She simply could not be restrained, so we could only conclude she was possessed by the Devil.”
The Countess harrumphed and scowled.
“Pity,” observed the Vicar with a far away look as though he was trying to picture the Jackie he knew dancing nude on a table top. “And what about Miss Fatslavegirl? Surely, she’s not a witch. Why she attends services every Sunday without fail! Sits in the front pew, she does.”
“Guilty of repeatedly exposing herself in the public market and begging to be punished for it. Most peculiar. Demanding to be whipped at the post. All efforts to get her to desist failed.”
“Apparently the Devil has been hard at work in Cruxton and has indeed found fertile ground,” observed the Vicar. “But does not five rather than six condemned witches leave the Magistrates, as Mr Tree points out, with a problem?”
“Yes Vicar. It seems we have been presented with a problem and have no solution.”
“Well then, may I suggest we all bow our heads in prayer and ask for divine guidance.”
And so, as Martinet and Loxoru were busily hustling Kathy, Messaline and me out of the punishment room, the last thing I heard was the Vicar suddenly announcing to all present that he had a divinely inspired solution to suggest.
TBC
