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Crucifixion And You: How Did The Idea Start?

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My story ties in with some of the aspects shared in this thread. Why and how I became this way.
My early childhood was happy, quiet and peaceful. Working class family in a rural area. One part of the family was very Catholic, the other not.
I had to go to church regularly, I must say that I was deeply bored and I liked to immerse myself in the icons fixed on the wall. The Stations of the Cross, the torture of St Sebastian, the lives of other martyrs, etc., left their mark on my young psyche.
On the other hand, my psyche was also nourished by some of the big movies about the time of ancient Rome; "Peplum" movies as it was called here. My overactive imagination did the rest.
Why did I get so caught up in the crucial world that it became a real recurring and obsessive fantasy? Perhaps only a shrink could give me an answer but ..... I don't feel the need, at least not any more.
My first steps in this story go back to when I was still a little kid who had not yet reached puberty.
When I was alone and sure that no one could catch me, I would lie naked on the concrete floor of a small annex, arms and legs spread wide. I would then go into a martyrdom fantasy, spread-eagled on a cold floor. I imagined myself being whipped on the front of my body and then pissing on myself. Feeling my hot urine running down my belly gave me a real feeling of pleasure. How many times did I repeat this scenario and always with the same feeling of pleasure.
Until the day when it was not urine that came out but my first semen emission. I then experienced a period of mixed pleasure and shame.
I remember that often, in my bed, I would indulge in masturbation, letting my psyche wander in the ancient world, but where my impulses took a turn towards sadism. I liked to imagine myself as a Roman soldier whipping, torturing and leading to the cross my village girlfriends. Wow, if they could have guessed how much I enjoyed imagining their torments I think they would have turned their backs on me forever. Except that the years have passed and I am now living a beautiful story with one of them. Each one at home, but pleasure when we are together; a real submissive in bed.
I go back to my youth. With my good friends from the neighbourhood we liked to play in the forest; war games. I never had any gay tendencies but I loved to play the role of the Gallic rebel who was crucified in our scenarios after being defeated. My friends who mimicked my flogging and crucifixion, I liked that although we never went as far as total nudity.

And then the thread of life that goes on. Girlfriends, but with a "normal" sexuality we would say. Marriage, and a first wife who enjoyed my sado urges, but with limits. She kept her oldest panties for me to take my pleasure in ripping them off at the last moment. Divorce, remarriage, mistress and a hectic life. Now a calm and peaceful life, but still rich in "crux" fantasies. When I'm alone at home I like to escape again into my masochism of a crucified male, a mature man, a rebel or a martyr, but always put to the torment with an imaginary or real woman. Will you hold it against me if I tell you that
sometimes one or other of these ladies is called Kathy, Barbaria, Eulalia, Nicole and so on. Arenas, whips, humiliation, crosses and enjoyment.
It is with a real pleasure that I am on this forum, which in itself is much more pleasant to consult than a psychologist.
 
This is such a great thread. Amazing how many can date their interest in this subject to early or mid childhood. And how it seems to be about equal (?) male and female . And how it has either or both a sexually arousing and an exhibition / display component to it in many cases.

I’m not sure where and when my interested started. Maybe it just crept up. I went to a catholic junior school where corporal punishment was allowed with parental consent. Which was gladly given. And that together with vivid stores and images - well.....

I’m so glad I found this site.
 
Damian said:
It is a fetish of mine since I came across the great Makar's images, here are two using the same body model in different settings, she is not one of his models but I find the pose very erotic. Damian
Click to expand...
1624311499560.png That's a clever use of the image, Damian -
the casual, gratuitous cruelty, so easily inflicted on the naked, howling victim,
the look of sadistic amusement in the man's face ...
 
Hey @Eulalia
I would love to read a new impalement story from you such as Rome's Revenge (maybe shorter), its one of my favorite on CFs and you are one of the best storytellers!
I'm aware that probably you are out of time but I think its worth a try asking :icon_writing:
 
Sonnelom said:
I wore a loincloth at 12 and imagined punishment scenes. Sometimes I imagined only me being punished, sometimes the group, sometimes I was an executioner. Then I began to imagine a T-shaped cross.
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Vindex said:
My story ties in with some of the aspects shared in this thread. Why and how I became this way.
Click to expand...
Very familiar.
After dark, I locked the door of my sleeping room. Lights went out, except for one nightlight. Playing out punishment stories. The progress of the story was determined by chance : a stack of cards, two dice and some other tools determined the era, place and context, and finally, the punishment.
Or playing out a previously imagined storyline.
 
Loxuru said:
Very familiar.
After dark, I locked the door of my sleeping room. Lights went out, except for one nightlight. Playing out punishment stories. The progress of the story was determined by chance : a stack of cards, two dice and some other tools determined the era, place and context, and finally, the punishment.
Or playing out a previously imagined storyline.
Click to expand...
We all have something in common here in the birth of our fantasies. At least we dare to admit it to ourselves, while so many others are still embarrassed to express it.
 
gjpain said:
Hey @Eulalia
I would love to read a new impalement story from you such as Rome's Revenge (maybe shorter), its one of my favorite on CFs and you are one of the best storytellers!
I'm aware that probably you are out of time but I think its worth a try asking :icon_writing:
Click to expand...
I'm glad you enjoyed Rome's Revenge. I admit I've rather dried up with my writing - stories or poems - I've never been able to 'turn them on', they've always sort of come to me unexpectedly, maybe more will in time. But if I do feel 'prodded' to do something about being impaled, I'll want to make it different, I think one reason I've slowed down is that I've worked through most of my fantasies one way or another and I don't want to just re-work old ideas in new (un)dress.
 
Loxuru said:
Very familiar.
After dark, I locked the door of my sleeping room. Lights went out, except for one nightlight. Playing out punishment stories. The progress of the story was determined by chance : a stack of cards, two dice and some other tools determined the era, place and context, and finally, the punishment.
Or playing out a previously imagined storyline.
Click to expand...
Were these public punishment plays?
 
I've seen some honest confessions here and I want to reward that with my own honesty. And maybe this also helps someone else in their struggles.

For me crucifixion has never been a real theme, except on one occurence in my early childhood, when some bully threatened to crucify me after I told him Jesus sees everything, a weak attempt from my part to avoid being beaten. Strange enough this has not brought me to any fantasies about crucifixion. I was however into bdsm from early on. Especially the shame, guilt and punishment aspect of it. It started when I was still a child. The scenes in children stories and fairytales where the heroes or villains were locked up, tied up and threatened, resulted in me tying up my toys and dolls or playing kidnap games with other children. It didn't help that both my parents had been victims in some way or other during their childhood, which rubbed off on me. Essentially I was taught as a child to see myself as and also behave like a victim. I also got very mixed messages about sexuality. According to my father all women want sex. According to my mother all men are sex-crazed. This did wonderful tricks on me by the time my own sexuality awoke - let's say I never quite accepted having feelings of lust.

My first sexual fanatasies occurred when I was 10 years old and they took off after seeing some article in Reader's Digest about safety graves. Not that I understood the article, which was about people in the 19th century who were afraid to be buried alive, it was the drawing accompanying the article that grabbed my attention. I never found it back, but it was something like this.

825deeb732e75c3eb268b35b81883ffb.jpg

Seeing this drawing made me fantasize about being buried alive together with a girl. We were both tied together, mouths on each other's genitalia and we were forced to feed each other with urine. A very childish way of interpreting sexuality to be honest. In the years after, my fantasies became more true in sexual nature, but also more violent. I was often both the victim and the rapist as I fantasized about men forcing me to rape girls. This was somehow the only way I could fantasize about having sex, if someone else forced me to do it.
For a long time I thought I was a masochist. But later experiments revealed that I do not enjoy being hurt or tied in real life. I do however enjoy spanking women or tying them up. In sexual fantasies I always focus on the woman in peril as that turns me on. Whatever the tormentor was feeling, was never interesting for me. Lately I am focusing on that a bit more, curious what will happen if I try to put myself in their shoes instead of the role of the victimized woman. In a way I am still trying to come to terms with my own sense of lust.

There are certain recurring themes in my stories, which have a clear clinical or medical feel to me. I often work in my stories with syringes and injections and I like to fantasize about what happens internally during rape or torture, especially with genitalia of the female victim. Impregnation is also a recurring theme. It's all very psychological when I think about it: my mother was often in a hospital when I was a child, I practically grew up between nurses and doctors. In my adult life I had several girlfriends who had abortions because they didn't want to have children, while I did. The son I did have later on, was kept from me by my ex-wife for some time. On a subconscious level this has all worked on my fantasies. Understanding that doesn't help though, it doesn't go away when you understand where it came from. And I do not seek to get rid of it since I enjoy having my fantasies. I do not harm people, but I like writing about it and to me that makes me as good as harmless - no need to fix this.

One thing I do regret though. Having a normal relationship is hard. When I get aroused, I usually turn to writing a rape story. That's safer than giving in to the urges. It's not fun for my partner to always want to tie her up and enjoy watching her struggle or spank her, even though sometimes that's fine too. But most of the time she just wants to make love in a more traditional way. So I am still working on that, because I love my partner.
 
I just remembered, after having written another part of one of my stories, the reason why I came to this forum is the Impalations thread. I just love fantasizing about impaling a woman. Just felt I needed to share that as well.
 
I think my kink is the only genuine part of me that I really know to my bones is definitely me!

For me it all began with a fascination for slavery twinned with wearing a loincloth. I actually can’t tell you how young I was when it started. It definitely started with the loincloth/skirt. But being a slave quickly followed. I think on some level it’s always been part of me from my early conscious thoughts.

By age 5 it was a common fantasy. I was an only child so often alone, I had a favourite old flannelette baby sheet I’d wrap around as a skirt. It became a habit to wear it every night in bed. And I’d have fantasy games, no doubt inspired somewhat by Catholic imagery (especially the loincloth Jesus wears on the Cross) plus movies like Ben Hur or Moses. I had worked out slave’s were kept on bondage and whipped, so that was also in my games. By 5, I kid you not..

At about this age I started getting a Catholic education so learned about great things like guilt and sacrilege.

I’m pretty sure Mum had some awareness I liked slavery games when I was very young, but now I knew about sin and sacrilege I knew it was a naughty secret. So I hid it.
But I had my own room, and lots of privacy on out bush land property. By 9 I was tying myself up with a shackle I’d made from ropes, and sometimes (when alone) would go outside in my loincloth and “shackles” and play slavery games, using birches against my self that sort of thing.

I’d learned about branding by this time, and all the dungeon torture ticked my boxes, even though presexual. Pretty early I worked out slave’s in chains would wind up pissing themselves, so I did that, a lot! Yet scat was different- never interested in that- there’s always a bucket available once a day for that.

At church, I loved the stations of the cross where Jesus’s was flogged. And that loincloth he wore on the cross- at our local church it was a skirt style- always my favourite. But the guilt, I knew I was being sacrilegious having such thoughts despite my waning Faith. I still do, basically agnostic but in a Cathedral I might see an image that turns me on, still feel sacrilegious.

I think the only thing that stopped crucifixion becoming a regular part of it was as a kid I was deeply afraid of death. EVERYTHING else about crux was a delight, particularly the scourging and via crux..

It was only after puberty that I broke the barrier, a long slow torturous death became a deeply secret fantasy. I imagined many ideal such scenarios. Crucifixion has since held a special place, but always hampered by strong feelings of great guilt, shame, and sacrilege. It was no accident I took “Dismas” as my Confirmation name. (Good Thief)

So I tried to bury it. Oh I don’t mean I stopped the rest of my fantasy, no way I doubled down, but crux was taboo. My wife knows a lot about my kink, knows I am a slave, my loincloth (worn every night still). My penchant for chain bondage- she has a small dominant kink that she exercises on me, occasionally playing mistress wielding a whip. She’s heard me beg as she whips me, to be enslaved, begging to be branded. She’s read some of my stories, of dungeons and galley slavery.

But I’ve never told even her about my desire to be crucified.

I guess about 20 years ago I started seeing imagery online, and gradually saw more… the feeling came back, and I was certain, I want the traditional crucifixion style, but greedy for s bit more torture in the lead up to the day…

I still wasn’t writing about it much before @Baracus brought me here, at first I played games, hoping for the whipping and torture on the way to the cross.. but I remembered- it’s the nails! Oh my gosh, since childhood it’s the nails!

After 6 months here I’m much more comfortable writing it and feel freer admitting it’s one type of “slave-death” I’d love to experience.

As for actually trying one in RL with ropes and a friend? I never used to think I’d like that, but yes, I think I would if I could do it with my wife (unlikely) or play with someone close enough to care yet not threaten my relationship ( I deeply love her, she knows I come here to write and roleplay, so long as there’s no romance).

For the last reason I sincerely doubt I’ll ever play at it. So I will write, and enjoy this site!
 
Loinclothslave1 said:
I think my kink is the only genuine part of me that I really know to my bones is definitely me!

For me it all began with a fascination for slavery twinned with wearing a loincloth. I actually can’t tell you how young I was when it started. It definitely started with the loincloth/skirt. But being a slave quickly followed. I think on some level it’s always been part of me from my early conscious thoughts.

By age 5 it was a common fantasy. I was an only child so often alone, I had a favourite old flannelette baby sheet I’d wrap around as a skirt. It became a habit to wear it every night in bed. And I’d have fantasy games, no doubt inspired somewhat by Catholic imagery (especially the loincloth Jesus wears on the Cross) plus movies like Ben Hur or Moses. I had worked out slave’s were kept on bondage and whipped, so that was also in my games. By 5, I kid you not..

At about this age I started getting a Catholic education so learned about great things like guilt and sacrilege.

I’m pretty sure Mum had some awareness I liked slavery games when I was very young, but now I knew about sin and sacrilege I knew it was a naughty secret. So I hid it.
But I had my own room, and lots of privacy on out bush land property. By 9 I was tying myself up with a shackle I’d made from ropes, and sometimes (when alone) would go outside in my loincloth and “shackles” and play slavery games, using birches against my self that sort of thing.

I’d learned about branding by this time, and all the dungeon torture ticked my boxes, even though presexual. Pretty early I worked out slave’s in chains would wind up pissing themselves, so I did that, a lot! Yet scat was different- never interested in that- there’s always a bucket available once a day for that.

At church, I loved the stations of the cross where Jesus’s was flogged. And that loincloth he wore on the cross- at our local church it was a skirt style- always my favourite. But the guilt, I knew I was being sacrilegious having such thoughts despite my waning Faith. I still do, basically agnostic but in a Cathedral I might see an image that turns me on, still feel sacrilegious.

I think the only thing that stopped crucifixion becoming a regular part of it was as a kid I was deeply afraid of death. EVERYTHING else about crux was a delight, particularly the scourging and via crux..

It was only after puberty that I broke the barrier, a long slow torturous death became a deeply secret fantasy. I imagined many ideal such scenarios. Crucifixion has since held a special place, but always hampered by strong feelings of great guilt, shame, and sacrilege. It was no accident I took “Dismas” as my Confirmation name. (Good Thief)

So I tried to bury it. Oh I don’t mean I stopped the rest of my fantasy, no way I doubled down, but crux was taboo. My wife knows a lot about my kink, knows I am a slave, my loincloth (worn every night still). My penchant for chain bondage- she has a small dominant kink that she exercises on me, occasionally playing mistress wielding a whip. She’s heard me beg as she whips me, to be enslaved, begging to be branded. She’s read some of my stories, of dungeons and galley slavery.

But I’ve never told even her about my desire to be crucified.

I guess about 20 years ago I started seeing imagery online, and gradually saw more… the feeling came back, and I was certain, I want the traditional crucifixion style, but greedy for s bit more torture in the lead up to the day…

I still wasn’t writing about it much before @Baracus brought me here, at first I played games, hoping for the whipping and torture on the way to the cross.. but I remembered- it’s the nails! Oh my gosh, since childhood it’s the nails!

After 6 months here I’m much more comfortable writing it and feel freer admitting it’s one type of “slave-death” I’d love to experience.

As for actually trying one in RL with ropes and a friend? I never used to think I’d like that, but yes, I think I would if I could do it with my wife (unlikely) or play with someone close enough to care yet not threaten my relationship ( I deeply love her, she knows I come here to write and roleplay, so long as there’s no romance).

For the last reason I sincerely doubt I’ll ever play at it. So I will write, and enjoy this site!
Click to expand...
Quite the story! And impressive that you remember it so well too decades later - although I suppose it's pretty memorable.

I do hope that you can open the last gate to your wife someday - but only you will know when you're ready.
 
Loinclothslave1 said:
I think my kink is the only genuine part of me that I really know to my bones is definitely me!

For me it all began with a fascination for slavery twinned with wearing a loincloth. I actually can’t tell you how young I was when it started. It definitely started with the loincloth/skirt. But being a slave quickly followed. I think on some level it’s always been part of me from my early conscious thoughts.

By age 5 it was a common fantasy. I was an only child so often alone, I had a favourite old flannelette baby sheet I’d wrap around as a skirt. It became a habit to wear it every night in bed. And I’d have fantasy games, no doubt inspired somewhat by Catholic imagery (especially the loincloth Jesus wears on the Cross) plus movies like Ben Hur or Moses. I had worked out slave’s were kept on bondage and whipped, so that was also in my games. By 5, I kid you not..

At about this age I started getting a Catholic education so learned about great things like guilt and sacrilege.

I’m pretty sure Mum had some awareness I liked slavery games when I was very young, but now I knew about sin and sacrilege I knew it was a naughty secret. So I hid it.
But I had my own room, and lots of privacy on out bush land property. By 9 I was tying myself up with a shackle I’d made from ropes, and sometimes (when alone) would go outside in my loincloth and “shackles” and play slavery games, using birches against my self that sort of thing.

I’d learned about branding by this time, and all the dungeon torture ticked my boxes, even though presexual. Pretty early I worked out slave’s in chains would wind up pissing themselves, so I did that, a lot! Yet scat was different- never interested in that- there’s always a bucket available once a day for that.

At church, I loved the stations of the cross where Jesus’s was flogged. And that loincloth he wore on the cross- at our local church it was a skirt style- always my favourite. But the guilt, I knew I was being sacrilegious having such thoughts despite my waning Faith. I still do, basically agnostic but in a Cathedral I might see an image that turns me on, still feel sacrilegious.

I think the only thing that stopped crucifixion becoming a regular part of it was as a kid I was deeply afraid of death. EVERYTHING else about crux was a delight, particularly the scourging and via crux..

It was only after puberty that I broke the barrier, a long slow torturous death became a deeply secret fantasy. I imagined many ideal such scenarios. Crucifixion has since held a special place, but always hampered by strong feelings of great guilt, shame, and sacrilege. It was no accident I took “Dismas” as my Confirmation name. (Good Thief)

So I tried to bury it. Oh I don’t mean I stopped the rest of my fantasy, no way I doubled down, but crux was taboo. My wife knows a lot about my kink, knows I am a slave, my loincloth (worn every night still). My penchant for chain bondage- she has a small dominant kink that she exercises on me, occasionally playing mistress wielding a whip. She’s heard me beg as she whips me, to be enslaved, begging to be branded. She’s read some of my stories, of dungeons and galley slavery.

But I’ve never told even her about my desire to be crucified.

I guess about 20 years ago I started seeing imagery online, and gradually saw more… the feeling came back, and I was certain, I want the traditional crucifixion style, but greedy for s bit more torture in the lead up to the day…

I still wasn’t writing about it much before @Baracus brought me here, at first I played games, hoping for the whipping and torture on the way to the cross.. but I remembered- it’s the nails! Oh my gosh, since childhood it’s the nails!

After 6 months here I’m much more comfortable writing it and feel freer admitting it’s one type of “slave-death” I’d love to experience.

As for actually trying one in RL with ropes and a friend? I never used to think I’d like that, but yes, I think I would if I could do it with my wife (unlikely) or play with someone close enough to care yet not threaten my relationship ( I deeply love her, she knows I come here to write and roleplay, so long as there’s no romance).

For the last reason I sincerely doubt I’ll ever play at it. So I will write, and enjoy this site!
Click to expand...
@Loinclothslave1 You're welcome,mate.
Keep up the good work.
 
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