Solitary - story of waiting

[WilliamMarwood]

"Ouch... They changed the method... I didn't expect that beating my feet would hurt so much... Ouch... My legs... They value dearly: half a hundred lashes on feet for disrespecting a priest... That's probably what fighting against the sin of impurity. I walk barefoot in the dirty hole they threw me in, so my feet are dirty. It even fits the Reverend's sermons: they hit the dirt with beater. It's strange that they didn't clean anything this way... Or maybe they just have such a fetish... Ouch... It hurts more... I can not go... I can't move my feet... Did they break my legs? Help!"

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"I can't stand on my feet! I've had enough! Enough! Enough! I don't want to be a cripple! Do you hear me? I can't stand another beating! I've had enough of this! Enough! Enough! You've won! I've had enough! I'm sorry! I'll confess my sins and give up my sins, tits or what's bothering you! I don't want to be a cripple in this fucking hole! I'll confess and tell you everything! I don't want to die here for eternity on knees! You want to kill me, so kill me quickly! Do you hear that?! Kill me at last!"

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"Two days have passed and I still can't stand... I'm hungry and I want to drink. I can't go downstairs to the pools or water... or to eat. Fortunately, they didn't break any bones... but touching anything hurts like hell... I need to exercise. Put my feet on the floor... try walking. Fortunately, it's a bit better now. I thought I was going crazy. Not like before... I didn't panic. I was just... fed up with pain and fear. It was too much."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"I reached the underground pools and was able to wash myself... and even came back. I feel strange. Something has changed in me. The Reverend is a real priest: when I don't listen to him as he wishes, he sends beaters. I'm tired. I almost give up. They almost converted me... I really... I really asked for mercy and almost confessed my "sins" whatever it is. And they ignored me at this moment... It's strange! I really wanted to give up! Is that all? They don't even care about breaking me? Why are they keeping me here? I don't have much to lose here. But it's not true. I only have my dignity to lose. They will kill me if they want. They just want to break me before that happens. If the Reverend or his friends wanted to show me mercy, they would do it without me asking. If he still comes here, he must know who to talk to. Man can show mercy for nothing, man just need to want it. And Reverend... tempts me with mercy, but he's cheating on me so he doesn't have to keep his promise. It's no longer mercy, it's trade. Moreover, it is fraudulent: I have to pay with no guarantee that I will get what I want. I guess that's what irritates me so much about him."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"I lost track of time again. I forgot to mark the days again... But few days passed, judging by the fact that I could now stand after the last beating in my feet. Maybe I should watch my words. Or maybe... provoke them to beat me to death. My execution won't be quick and painless. It will be a terror for everyone. But why are they delaying it so much? Is this their famous penance they call for? Waiting to die at any moment? Is this what it's supposed to look like? Or maybe they're just having fun because no one else has opposed them for a long time. Maybe they're just bored and they're playing with me."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"They turned on the lights. There was food, so the Reverend came to the sermon again. So I'll preach it to him. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe they'll beat me for it again... but don't let them think that I'll meekly listen to stories about how they are smart and good people, locking me here and preparing me for death."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

- What are you doing? Get dressed!
- I'm being polite and wanted to save you some work, Reverend. After all, if you came back after such a long time, you will surely order me to be stripped of these rags and flogged. This is a normal part of every conversation with you.
- I didn't order you to be beaten!
- Of course. The guards figured it out themselves.
- Stop! Nobody will beat you!
- Until you think I've been naughty. Easy, easy. I know you must have your pleasure.

 

[WilliamMarwood]

- I didn't lock you up here and not for my own pleasure! You're sitting here because you're a rebel!
- This is the first truth, Reverend. Do you change the loudspeaker on purpose and talk from the corridor? I preferred looking into your eyes when talking. Besides, I'm sitting because you speak too long to listen to it standing up. My legs hurt after you told to beat my feet.
- I didn't order it!
- Of course. The guards figured it out themselves. They read your mind and know everything. Especially where they should beat me to your pleasure. Not like me. I don't know who you are here, I don't know what you want from me and that's why you consider me an enemy. But I understand why you want me beaten. It's a fight against evil: with a baton. The baton for you is the ultimate good.

 

[WilliamMarwood]

- Your antics are rebellion! And rebellion is a sin!
- So you admit that you deliberately order me to be beaten for my sins? And that you consider several dozen lashes to be an appropriate punishment for jokes? And you call that justice?
- You are resisting God's law and all other laws that apply here!
- This is the second truth, Reverend... If what you call God's law really came from God, God would announce it to everyone, not just you and your friends... Yes, I resist your ideas and the fact that you call it God's law . These are your ideas and nothing more.
- Even now you show off your pride and disobedience! Admit your mistake, apologize for it and atone! And you will be forgiven!
- And this is the so-called third truth.

 

[WilliamMarwood]

- What do you mean with these truths?! There is only one truth!
- And whatever YOU say, it will be the only truth. But, you see, those who taught you this way, lied to you. There are at least three truths in every situation. If you knew that... you wouldn't go out with that third to the people.
- What third one? What nonsense is this?
- Well, there is a truth in the world that everyone may not believe in... But everyone can check it... and when checked, it will defend itself... and this is the first one, simply the truth... There is the second one: "also true"... when people look at something from two different points of view and therefore they are both right, even though it doesn't seem like it at first... But they will agree with each other when they notice the difference in point of view.
- And the third one?
- The third one is "truth-shit". You keep coming to me with it and you want me to consider it the first one.

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"Shit... Shit... Shit... Me and my big mouth. Damn... It's really hard to get used to it. It hurts every time. The first rule of logic in a conversation with a priest: if someone has faith and a club, then all his wisdom is contained in the club. I shouldn't show off my eloquence to the Reverend. And I shouldn't believe him when he promises that there will be no flogging. Nude flogging will be always. That's why he comes here. But Reverend is right, I talk without need and to any bitch... means: honestly to him. He appreciated and assessed it with ten lashes. I have too much time to think and I became very eloquent. My plan for the future: more walking and washing, less thinking."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"My fear is a strange thing... I've always been afraid of death, darkness and pain... And now I'm stuck in the dark, waiting for death... and actually I'm not afraid at all. I'm not afraid of pain either. It hurts... and I'm not afraid it will hurt, even when I'm expecting guards and whip. I think I found a place for pain... and for myself too. Not that I want to stay here. But if I have to die or live here, I'd rather live."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"I need to spend more time washing myself and walking around this hole. Take care of myself. Divide my time into small pieces and fill them. Look closely at the walls, bars, concrete. Focus on the floor under my feet. Don't think about the Reverend's words because they are bullshit and nonsense invented just to beat me for something. Just to focus more on life itself and less on stories about sin and punishment."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"I thought they would kill me straight away... I didn't expect to survive at all... that they would arrest me, that they would keep me somewhere... But I was sure that I would succeed at least a little. And then... they caught me before I could do anything. And I thought that if I got caught, it would all be over quickly. A fake trial where I could say something... A quick death... Only disappointments. And I have to spend the rest of my days with a talkative idiot mumbling about my sins and looking at my body. This life will be short... and the Reverend can poison it. I hate the guards, the judges, all the police... but I really hate him. And he doesn't hide his disgust with me... but why is he still coming?"

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"No representative of the authorities, the court or the prosecutor's office comes to me... As if I was not interested in them. Only the priest keeps promising me grace... but he never once said that this grace would be my release. He promises me grace in in a religious sense... And that's bullshit. He's not a God so he can promise anything in this matter. But in earthly matters they have been killing people who do not bow to their authority, they surrendered... and I haven't heard of any of them coming back home. Even if they are in prison somewhere, they will never let me out."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"They locked me up here for a demonstration that didn't even succeed... or even get started. If they let me go, I can make another one, which will be successful. As long as I'm sitting here, I won't do anything. I can't do anything. I can die or wait until they're going to kill me. They didn't lock me up in a regular prison, so they're going to kill me. Just like the others, who I saw as child... for fear, which they call penance. They won't say that they killed me, but that they gave me the opportunity to atone. They have plenty of idiots on duty, but the ones who give orders to the idiots with the baton are the smart ones. They even choose their words so that they are not associated with their actions. And... they already know what they will do to me. That's why they don't have to ask me anything. What matters is my intentions, not what I actually did. They will kill me because I don't like them. They know this, even if I apologize on my knees. Their mouths are full of grace, but they do not know what mercy or forgiveness is, they even take revenge on graves. I've never seen graves those who lost to them. Their graves were destroyed. And I... It's not worth it for them to let me go and risk me saying something... or showing myself to people after the rebellion.
Rebellion against their authority means disappearing from the world, like smoke. Or the stink. No matter how hard I ask, they won't forgive me or show me mercy... but they'll definitely be happy when I humiliate myself. Then they will feel full power."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"I'm not afraid of death. I mean... sometimes I'm not afraid. I don't think I want to die at all, but I just won't let myself be broken. I won't be intimidated. I won't make it easier for them. What am I talking about? I have no way of making it. They'll do whatever they want to me, whenever they want. I can only wait or kill myself before they send their beaters for me. And they'll send this Reverend Priest too, to deceive me.To broke me. To... to tempt me with empty promises. If I believe him, it's my own fault. Weird. Sometimes I despise him. Sometimes I hate him... I think I hate him now. And right now they turned on the light. It's probably he again."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

– Why are you afraid of the light?
- I'm not afraid.
– So come with us into the light, confess your sins!
– The only sin is to go into the light where you are waiting.
– Cleanse yourself.
– If you care so much about cleanliness... give me soap and stop talking nonsense. Your words are dirty.

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"A new flogging is a new blouse. This time there were five lashes for each sentence. Almost one per word. It really looks like a performance fee for a priest. At least ten lashes every time because he's dissatisfied with the conversation. And he pretends he didn't ordered beating. And he thinks I didn't notice that he didn't forbid them. What fucking shit they are all! What the fuck have you done with my life?! What have you done... to the whole world around you?"

"I fell off the table. Ouch... I have to turn around... not lie on my back. You assholes! You think you can... That's bullshit. You're not thinking. You're just torturing. It's me who's thinking. I'm thinking too much and in bad way. Now... . and before that I also imagined too much. I thought that my demonstration would spread among the people, that the guards would kill me immediately... I wanted publicity. I was ready to die for publicity... and I would die. Die without a trace and publicity. They even took away the meaning of my death. I didn't expected that I would survive, that I would be arrested, that they would keep me somewhere... That nothing would work out for me. I thought it would all end quickly. And now I've been imprisoned here... I don't know exactly how long. Some months? They even took away day and night from me. And I can't wash myself. I could give a blowjob for piece of soap... but to good man. Not to any of these perverted minions."

 

[WilliamMarwood]

"I can't stand the touch of my shirt. They could keep me naked here... like an animal to be slaughtered. That's what I am for them. Only they prefer to call it a sacrifice... and the torture - penance. They like to strip me for beatings, so they give me clothes. Old rags because they save money. They're going to tear them to pieces anyway. And I have to spend the rest of my days with this perverted priest and his servants. This life will be short... and he can poison it with just his face. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! My life is rags to wear, beatings for entertainment and the table they stopped using for torture because they invented other torture methods! And I can wash myself in the place where they almost certainly murdered people! But at least I can stand up on my own. As long as I can stand, I won't kneel before them."