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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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Going back a bit for this one ......

It's 1957 and Ted goes to pick up his date, Dorothy.
Dorothy's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Ted what they're planning to do on the date.
Ted politely responds that they'll probably just go to the coffee shop or to the cinema .
Dorothy's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Ted is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Dorothy really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Dorothy comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Dorothy rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! ..... The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
 
Another for my loyal fans .....

An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man.

"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
 
Ted Parry said:
Another for my loyal fans .....

An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man.

"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
Click to expand...

:duke:
 
I know they say black ones are bigger, but!
2016-08-20_09-06-01.jpg

Vintage - yes
Erotica? Ummmmm :confused:
odd.jpg

Don't get those pearls caught in the zipper
a4 tumblr_n75zfi6LRu1t14dvwo8_1280.jpg
 
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."

The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
 
An Indian takeaway sets up in Little Brampton

send witches.jpeg

To witch I can add that I actually saw on an Indian restaurant menu a few years ago,
'Fried aborigines' :devil:
 
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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbour.
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat!"
 
Sunday comes around once again ........

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a Laptop?”
 
Here we go again ....

An old, old man was lying on his death bed upstairs.
His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies.
As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies.
He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs.
Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies.
Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled,
"DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"
 
Can I assume we have run out of pictures of Melissa (see original post) .....Anyway .....

Walking home after a girls' night out, Dorothy and Lil' Siss pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
Lil' Siss has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Dorothy, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, Lil' Siss' husband phones Dorothy's husband, furious:
"Lil' Siss came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other.
"Dorothy came back with a card stuck to her arse that said,
"From all the boys at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
 
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Tuesday's Offering

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful!

But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic!

What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible!

I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
 
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with a strained facial expression.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, I bet you 50 bucks he won’t cough for a week!”
 
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,
"Is that one word or two?"
 
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