Crisis at Cruxton Abbey

[Madiosi]

“Good afternoon, Mr Buildwright. Terribly sorry to have kept you waiting like this.”

“Oh, no inconvenience at all, Lord Wragg. Your lovely Eulalia, here, has kept me quite entertained. She’s really quite knowledgeable and I’ve learned some fascinating things from her.”

 

[Loxuru]

We simply lack building codes that might apply to expanding an existing medieval dungeon, much less constructing an outdoor scaffold and gibbet, or mounting heavy timber crosses in a rose garden. You see our dilemma?”

Aha! The fine print of the Magna Carta Libertatum (1215)!
"The King can decree building codes. However, nobility shall be exempt of submission to such codes, for projects of dungeons, scaffolds, gibbets and other edifices designated for enforcement of law, providing that these will be erected within the boundaries of the noble's estate!"

 

[Barbaria1]

Aha! The fine print of the Magna Carta Libertatum (1215)!
"The King can decree building codes. However, nobility shall be exempt of submission to such codes, for projects of dungeons, scaffolds, gibbets and other edifices designated for enforcement of law, providing that these will be erected within the boundaries of the noble's estate!"

If he’d only asked, I’m sure Eulalia would have informed of that fact.

So either he already knew it to be true, or it’s not and Loxoru just made it up.

 

[Loxuru]

If he’d only asked, I’m sure Eulalia would have informed of that fact.

So either he already knew it to be true, or it’s not and Loxoru just made it up.

I would not dare messing with the Magna Carta!
Look it up! It is the amendment following "The King grants Nobles the privilige of possessing four poster beds, and use them to correct wayward scullery maids and other female staff, in all events and by all means the Nobleman deems necessary!"

 

[Eulalia]

(39) No free man shall be seized or imprisoned, or stripped of his rights or possessions, or outlawed or exiled, or deprived of his standing in any way, nor will we proceed with force against him, or send others to do so, except by the lawful judgment of his equals or by the law of the land.

(39a) But no woman in the abode of a Noble or Archbishop shall be deemed to be free, and she may be seized and imprisoned, and stripped of her clothes and possessions, and they shall proceed with force against her, or send others to do so, by the lawful judgment of her Superiors and by the law of the land.

 

[bindhertocross]

The camera man follows the screams to Barb's detainment room. He enters and stands looking at the screaming beauty lying spreadeagled on the grey sheet.

Barb screams "Who the hell are you?" "What are you going to do to me?" She sees one leg of the tripod he is carrying, "Please sir, please please please, don't impale me, please don't, please please!"

"Oh, this? It's just a tripod for some videos and pictures for the brochure and online streaming"

Barb exclaims, "What, more pictures? Untie me now! Are you with Mr. Binderass? Untie me now, stop looking me up and down you horny bastard, do it, get me out of here!"

"You're in no position to bargain Barb, I'm here for video and pictures of you screaming and trying to get loose, men love that kind of thing and will pay handsomely for it. So, just scream and try to get loose, be the damsel in distress!"

"Screw you!!!" She yells.

"That's it, keep going, I'll stay until you're completely exhausted, if you can keep going for an hour, there's some premium pricing to be had". "Now let's bring out some more rope, like that guy on cruxforums". Barb writhes around screaming for about twenty minutes trying to escape, making for some great video footage. She finally tires and drifts into sleep.

 

[Wragg]

Your lovely Eulalia, here, has kept me quite entertained. She’s really quite knowledgeable and I’ve learned some fascinating things from her.”

There aren't many Building Control Officers who know how to conjugate their Latin verbs.

(Conjugate, yes. Latin verbs, most assuredly no.)

earliest known written building code may be found in the Code of Hammurabi

Is that older than the Cruxforums Terms and Rules?

Eul has a copy of those etched in two tablets of stone handed to her by a chap with a long beard while she was up Ben Nevis once

 

[Wragg]

discretely arranged?

It can be arranged, but not sure about the other part. This is Barb we're talking about. Mr Buildwright already funds himself in blue text on a certain website....

 

[Barbaria1]

I believe the expression on my face on that last pic best defines what I think about this abomination promotional photo shoot!

 

[Barbaria1]

Is that older than the Cruxforums Terms and Rules?

Silly question. They may not be that old, but they are sacred and woe be onto any mortal who dares to transgress them!

 

[twonines]

There aren't many Building Control Officers who know how to conjugate their Latin verbs.

(Conjugate, yes. Latin verbs, most assuredly no.)


Is that older than the Cruxforums Terms and Rules?

Eul has a copy of those etched in two tablets of stone handed to her by a chap with a long beard while she was up Ben Nevis once

Funny, Eul claims she has never met Ben.

 

[Barbaria1]

10.

“What is it now, .”Briggs? Having just mollified that fool of a building inspector, I was hoping to get back to Barbara … whom I seem to recall having left in a rather deliciously vulnerable state laid out on a four poster upstairs. She must be frantic by now, and in much need of some … uh …. gentle calming. Please, no more disturbances between now and dinner!”

“Well, m’Lord, I believe there are two problems with that.”

“Only two? With the day I’m having … no … never mind … enlighten me.”

“For one, m’Lord, Barb is not, as you imagine, frantic over your absence and in need of gentle calming. She’s mad as a wet hen! It seems our promotional director, @Fossy , has engaged your photographer acquaintance, Mr @bindhertocross , and instructed him to roam about the manor with the object of taking candid photos and videos suitable for use in promoting the upcoming event. And, of course, while you were occupied, dealing with the building inspector, Bindhertocross, who was roaming about the upstairs, happened as a matter of course to come across our Barbara in the compromising situation in which you left her.”

“I think I’m getting the picture. What’s the other problem?”

“Another surprise visitor, m’Lord. This time from the government.”

“Government? You mean Cruxton Council? Didn’t they get word that we’ve already dealt with and solved the building permit issues?”

No, m’Lord, I was referring to the government in Westminster. There’s an official from the Department for Culture, Media and Sport’s ‘Office of Entertainment and Licensing’ waiting to see you in the Library … a Ms Prudely …rather a dour tempered sort … and quite appropriately named, if I may say so. She’s told me that she’s come to express official concerns over the content of our proposed event. I noticed that she’s come armed with advance copies of some of Fossy’s promotional material.



“Just what I needed. Offer her a glass of Riesling, Briggs, … in fact as many as you can get her to accept … and tell her I’ll be with her shortly.”

“How long shall I say you will be, m’Lord?”

“Long as it takes to shag Barbara. I’m in need of a welcome little diversion!”

“I’m afraid Mr Bindhertocross has already seen to that.”

“Drat! Then perhaps off for a pleasant stroll in the Cruxton Abbey landscape garden … I could use some fresh air!”

“I’m afraid that won’t do, m’Lord.”

“And why not?”

“It seems Mr. Tree has hired and brought in heavy equipment to excavate the Abbey landscape garden in preparation for erecting spectator bleachers and a paved parking lot. I’m afraid the grove has been cut down. The Gothic ruin, the lake with its charming vistas and the quaint little bridge are all gone as well.”

“Oh dear. How tragic! I can well imagine old Lancelot Brown turning over in his grave! And what pray tell is all this costing us?”

“I wouldn’t know, m’Lord.”

“Alright, then. What’s done is done Perhaps I best see this woman, Ms Prudely, straight away.”

“Very good, m’Lord. But may I suggest a nice Scotch in the quiet of your study whilst I go and inform her of your imminent arrival?

“Capital idea, Briggs. I could use that! Thank you!”


***************

“Excuse me, m,Lord. I’ve informed our guest of your imminent arrival, but I’m afraid a complication has arisen.”

“What now, Briggs?”

“I’m afraid she’s made the acquaintance of Mr @Jollyrei , who just happened to wander into the library. It seems Ms Prudely promptly fainted and is presently lying sprawled out on the library floor. Should I ring for Mrs Briggs to bring up some smelling salts and a cup of warm tea?”

“Yes, but hold on. You said she was a rather dour sort, as I recall. But what does she look like? Describe her.”

“Well, uh, the expression on her face befits her name, but I suppose otherwise .. uh … well … not altogether unattractive … dressed differently and in a moment of relaxation …”

“Undressed?”

“Really m’Lord … what sort of question is that? … oh, I see where this is going …”

“Right. Please call Mrs. Briggs, as you suggest, Briggs. But tell her to kindly lace that cup of tea with a generous dose of Joan’s horny potion.”

“Yes, m’Lord.”



TBC

 

[Wragg]

two tablets of stone handed to her by a chap with a long beard while she was up Ben Nevis once

Funny, Eul claims she has never met Ben.

Actually, He said to her, "I M who I M."

two problems with that.”

“Only two? With the day I’m having … no … never mind … enlighten me.”

“For one, m’Lord, Barb

Isn't it astonishing how quickly the word 'problems' seems to be followed by the word 'Barb'?

the compromising situation in which you left her.”

What? Are you trying to hang it on me, Briggs? I should be able to leave my maids in whatever 'situation I please without some nosey photography barging in and snapping away!

a Ms Prudely …rather a dour tempered sort … and quite appropriately named, if I may say so. She’s told me that she’s come to express official concerns over the content of our proposed event. I noticed that she’s come armed with advance copies of some of Fossy’s promotional material.

What's that phrase young Barb uses? 'Oh, shit!' That's it. Oh, shit! Ohshitohshitohshitohshitoshit. Oh, shit!"

Nope. It doesn't make me feel any better about Ms Prudely.

“Capital idea, Briggs. I could use that! Thank you!”

"As long as it isn't that 'Seagrams' bilge which that Yankee fellow with the hat insists on drinking!

But tell her to kindly lace that cup of tea with a generous dose of Joan’s horny potion.”

 

[Madiosi]

No, m’Lord, I was referring to the government in Westminster. There’s an official from the Department for Culture, Media and Sport’s ‘Office of Entertainment and Licensing’ waiting to see you in the Library … a Ms Prudely …rather a dour tempered sort … and quite appropriately named, if I may say so. She’s told me that she’s come to express official concerns over the content of our proposed event. I noticed that she’s come armed with advance copies of some of Fossy’s promotional material.

 

[Madiosi]

“I’m afraid she’s made the acquaintance of Mr @Jollyrei , who just happened to wander into the library. It seems Ms Prudely promptly fainted and is presently lying sprawled out on the library floor. Should I ring for Mrs Briggs to bring up some smelling salts and a cup of warm tea?”

 

[Madiosi]

“Right. Please call Mrs. Briggs, as you suggest, Briggs. But tell her to kindly lace that cup of tea with a generous dose of Joan’s horny potion.”

“Yes, m’Lord.”

 

[Jollyrei]

“I’m afraid she’s made the acquaintance of Mr @Jollyrei , who just happened to wander into the library. It seems Ms Prudely promptly fainted and is presently lying sprawled out on the library floor.

MISS...ER...HELLO, MISS. OH, DEAR, SHE'S IN A DEAD FAINT, AND I SHOULD KNOW. I WONDER WHAT STARTLED HER LIKE THAT. I'M DRESSED, AND QUITE NORMALLY TOO. ANYWAY, SHE'S NOT DEAD - I'D CERTAINLY KNOW THAT. WHAT'S THE FIRST AID STEPS? OH, YES. LET'S LOOSEN THAT RATHER TIGHT LOOKING CLOTHING FOR YOU...GOODNESS, IS THAT A REAL CORSET? HAVEN'T SEEN ONE OF THOSE IN...WELL, BEST NOT SAY. THAT WOULD DATE ME, WOULDN'T IT? THERE, ALL NICELY FREE OF CONSTRICTING FABRICS. OH, A CALLING CARD - MS. A. PRUDELY - WELL MY DEAR, MISS PRUDELY, THERE YOU ARE. ALL BETTER NOW? NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, YOU SEE, NO NEED TO LOOK SO ALARMED. YOU'RE AMONG FRIENDS HERE, I ASSURE YOU. CAN I GET YOU SOME TEA?

“Right. Please call Mrs. Briggs, as you suggest, Briggs. But tell her to kindly lace that cup of tea with a generous dose of Joan’s horny potion.”

I see that we're no longer just satisfied with the idea of a whiskey. Mind you, I'm not sure what Mrs. Briggs will make of the situation in the library.

 

[twonines]

"Briggs, we must deal with Ms Prudely,
But neither harshly or rudely."
"My Lord, I think
We should spike her drink,
Not to put it too crudely."

 

[Fossy]

As Mr @bindhertocross swiped through the promo shots on the Digicam's viewfinder, it was clear that even though we had captured Barb squirming and writhing, we really needed something climactic for the finale promo.

"Will she be cumming while she is mounted on the cross?" Mr B asked.

"Like an eruption from Mount Cruxton." I replied.

"How difficult do you think it would be to catch her expression in the throes of orgasmic bliss Mr Fossy," he had replied.

"Try catching her without one, Mr B," I responded.

As the redoubtable Mr B headed out, camera in hand, he looked back over his shoulder and said, " ... should we leave space in the upcoming promo material for the lady from Cruxtion Council to appear?"

"Oh yes, I think we should do exactly that Mr B." I replied.

 

[bindhertocross]

"Oh Briggs, would you please take this package to Lord Wragg, straight away?" Mr. Bindertocross was gasping for air, as he was running up the stairs from the dungeon. "I have some lovely photos of Darkprincess69, Judith and messaline...and one other he needs to see immediately..."

"You see Briggs, I left my camera on the table as I was seeing the girls back up the stairs, then I heard my camera clicking, it was the timer. Then, he, it or whatever, appeared
just before my timer and flash went off, a ghastly apparition for better description, and dare I say, I believe he took a selfie!!!"




"And Briggs, I'm going to rest in my room and gather myself together, and maybe have a drink or two. After that, I'm going to look for the Lady of the Manor, to see if I could get a nice portrait of her for the promotional material"